


Picture This

by melly_diamond, thilia



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blind Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-02
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-31 07:25:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 51,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1028889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melly_diamond/pseuds/melly_diamond, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thilia/pseuds/thilia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Diamond is the definition of shallow - puddles are deeper than he is. But when he meets a blind boy named Carlos, he learns to "see" life in an entirely different way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [BigTimeBang](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com).

It had been a big decision for the Garcia family to decide to "mainstream"; there had been many, many discussions, some emotional – okay, all emotional – about removing him from the school he had gone to since kindergarten, and put him in a regular high school.

Carlos had sat silent at times while his mother and father debated if it was wise to take their blind-from-birth child from a school that catered to his needs and plunk him into a school that, well, didn't. In a reversal of the usual way these things tended to go, was the fact that his father was against it, mother for it.

"Sylvia, I get that you want him to have a more “normal” high school life, but even with a student guide, even with Sydney, his life is going to be about a hundred times more difficult if we do this. He's doing fine in his school right now, he's happy, well-adjusted…"

"And he wants to sing and perform, which _this_ school excels at; their theater program is excellent, exactly the kind that encourages and produces excellence. He has the talent, Danny, you know this."

"I do, but can't we do private lessons or something? I'll work overtime to pay for them, I don't care. But Carlos isn't ready for being in a mass of sighted kids who may or may not be able or willing to accomodate him, and he might…"

"He might be sitting right the hell _here_ , Dad.”

Carlos sighed. “Don't you think I know all this? I want to go. I don't want you working overtime or another job to pay for lessons, when you work two for school already. Look, this school has the programs I want, I can do the work. I have Sydney, and she makes everything okay. And the kid Mum talked to, Kendall, right? He said he'd be happy to help me out, so right there is a kid who's not a dick. I've heard of him, he's this big-shot hockey player. No one is gonna give him a hard time, or me either. I already wear a bloody helmet, they'll just think I'm a transfer player."

He looked at where he knew Danny was sitting. "Dad, I want this. At least let me try."

Sydney, sitting on his foot, barked and gave his father a nudge, and a _look_. No one had yet told her she was a dog – as far as she was concerned, she was the Queen, Carlos the Prince, and the rest of them vassals. Danny knew this.

And sighed himself, cause this was the eighty-fifth (or so it felt like) discussion on the topic and he was too tired to argue anymore.

So that's why, the following Monday, Carlos was waiting, with Sydney, for Kendall Knight and possibly a friend of his, the goalie Logan Mitchell, to toss him into the comparatively big river of Champlin Regional High School. 

"Have you seen him before?" Logan asked as he and Kendall walked around the schoolyard, looking for the new boy. "I mean, how are we going to recognize him?"

He looked around, seeing mostly familiar faces, except for a few that he'd never seen. None of them looked blind, though. A moment later, his question was answered when he spotted a relatively short boy with a helmet and a dog. He nudged Kendall and nodded in the boy's direction.

Before Kendall could swallow the last of his breakfast burrito – he was addicted to those things – and say anything, Logan had answered his own question, so Kendall just waved at the kid, and bolted some Red Bull.

Breakfast of champions – he should really have an endorsement deal by now. Better have Katie look into that.

Kendall stopped a couple feet from Carlos, while Sydney got on her feet and eyed him. "Hey, Carlos, it's Kendall. Morning dude! And this gorgeous girl's gotta be Sydney, right?"

Somewhat mollified by being recognized as the goddess she was, Sydney sniffed the hand Kendall held out, then licked. Sausage.

She liked him already and Kendall scratched under her chin.

"Hey Kendall," said Carlos, turning in the direction of the voice and smiling; unlike many others, he felt lucky in that his eyes looked normal, or so he was told. Not odd or fixed, milky or dull. Actually, if not for Sydney, most people would never know he was blind by just looking at him.

Kendall reached for Carlos' hand and shook it, grinning when he got the shake and fist bump version. Excellent. "Good to see you, man, and this guy next to me – who has not just eaten sausage and is therefore a little suspicious to Sydney – is Logan. He's my best friend, co-conspirator, official schemer and aide-de-camp, a valuable guy to know."

Carlos nodded, still giving him a smile. "Hey Logan, nice to meet you."

Logan smiled back. "Hi, nice to meet you too! Ready for your first day in this fine establishment?" He eyed Kendall when he snorted. "What? It _is_ a good school, you have to admit that."

"It is, but a fine establishment? A really fine one would have a wine bar offering with lunch. Or a selection of microbrews, even better." 

Kendall sighed and Carlos smiled. "So the fact that everyone would be underage doesn't bother you?"

"Not really," admitted Kendall, still scratching Sydney. "Doesn't seem to stop the determined anyway."

Carlos snorted. "True."

Logan rolled his eyes, then smiled at Carlos. "So, have you lived here all your life or did you just move here?"

"Nope, always lived here, but I went to school in Elmwood, at the Institute for the Blind. But it was a long drive every day for my parents, the school was expensive, and after a while, I felt really isolated, so I wanted to try just being, you know, normal. Or as normal as I can be, which probably isn't very."

"I don't know anyone who's normal," said Kendall, stretching and giving Sydney a final pat. "I'd be deeply suspcious of anyone claiming to be, too."

Kendall shrugged his backpack up and put a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "Let's brave the masses – we have the same class schedule for the rest of the term, so I'm right here beside you, dude. Log and his mighty brain can go in first."

Carlos nodded, and Kendall squeezed lightly, comfortingly. "It's gonna be weird, but you're not alone, k? No one will mess with you anyway, cause we're not like that, but no one messes with me or Logan anyway cause they know better."

"So I have a bodyguard _and_ guide? Good to know."

"You absolutely do. So you're in good hands. Onward!"

Logan listened, then tilted his head curiously. He really wanted to know how this was going to work; how Carlos was going to have "normal" classes with all of them. Because even to solve an equation on the blackboard, he had to actually see what he was writing, so… how would the teachers do this? But he was sure they had that all figured out already, and there were countless blind kids who went to regular schools, so there had to be a way. Logan was just curious to see what it would be like. 

Either way, if Carlos needed help with anything school-related, he was his guy. No one was a better tutor than Logan Mitchell. 

After a little sniffing, Sydney made her path and Carlos let her move along with him, trusting her implicitly – but it was still nice to be flanked by a couple of people who wouldn't let anything happen to him.

As they moved to the school, Kendall and Logan on either side of Carlos, other students looked at them curiously – not in a bad way; just with a certain interest. Logan gave them a smile, then made sure to guide Carlos, telling him when they reached the school's entrance and had to go up a few steps. 

Inside, at the end of the hallway, a crowd had gathered, and yelling could be heard – a female voice and a male one. As they got a little closer, it became obvious that it was a couple, and that the girl was breaking up with the boy. The boy looked and sounded incredulous – scandalized, even. 

"You're going to regret this, Lissa," he spat. "You'll never find anyone as good as me and you know it. Don't bother coming crawling back when you realize what you've given up."

The guy turned and pushed through the crowd, angrily storming in their direction. Logan's eyes widened and he immediately moved aside, aware that James Diamond would run straight into him if he didn't pay attention. He momentarily forgot about Carlos, and reacted too slowly to keep James' shoulder from bumping into Carlos' as he passed them. Kendall pulled him aside a little, but it was too late. James backpack slid off his shoulder, ripped and his books fell to the ground. 

"Don't you have eyes in your fucking head? Look where you're going!" he snapped, giving Carlos a glare before he knelt down to pick up his books. This day was getting worse and worse – maybe it was time to just go back home. 

At James' harsh words, Logan frowned. "Um, _excuse_ me, but _you're_ the one who ran into him, Diamond."

"Jesus, James," said Kendall at the same time. "Just cause you're having a piss fit doesn't mean the hallway has to fucking clear for you. Don't be a fuckwad."

Carlos blinked. "I have two eyes, yeah," he said after a moment as Sydney got between he and James. "Sadly, mine don't work, so Syd has my back, as well as two eyes of her own."

James had gathered his books in his arms and stood up, staring at the new kid for a moment, then at Kendall, then back at the boy – and his dog. Why was there a dog inside the school building?

After a moment, the boy's words registered and a hint of regret flickered over James' face. He opened his mouth to say something, then changed his mind and stepped back. "Whatever," he said finally. "If you're his bodyguards, pay better attention."

He looked down. "Cute dog, though," he said, then turned around and walked away. 

"If we were good bodyguards, we would have tossed your ass out the window," said Kendall, but James was stalking off. "At least he knows a cute dog when he sees one. Might be hope for him yet."

Logan raised a brow. "That," he said after a moment, "was our School Diva James Diamond. I apologize for his behavior – he's not that bad, really, just thinks he's a little better than everyone else. Can't blame him – he looks like a model and everyone treats him like he's a Greek God, so…"

He turned to Carlos. "Are you all right? He slammed into you with some force there."

Carlos rubbed his shoulder a little, then nodded. "M'okay; I'm used to getting run into, hence the helmet. I used to get lost in the house in the dark and fall down stairs and shit, so now I feel weird without it."

"I was gonna ask you if that was a style choice or what," said Kendall, guiding Carlos to his locker. "But it works for you."

"Yeah, I'm adorable," said Carlos, feeling for the combination lock just as Kendall did too. "It's okay, I can get it."

Kendall watched Carlos open the lock easily, and tilted his head. "How do you…"

"I listen for the tumblers clicking. Super-sonic hearing here. Don't try to keep a secret from me unless you're four miles away or so, and there's no breeze."

Carlos smiled and started unloading his bag into the locker, fumbling only slightly.

Logan watched Carlos admiringly – he'd done an experiment for a class once, and had spent an hour blindfolded, and had been ridiculously glad to have his eyes back after that hour. He couldn't even imagine having to do everything, even normal, every-day things without seeing what he was doing. 

But the way Carlos handled it all was impressive – but of course he'd lived like this all his life.

"Uhm… I'm not sure what you need me to do," said Kendall. "I mean, I kind of instinctively go to help you, but you seem pretty damn good at doing stuff yourself."

"I am. Have to be, but I can do most stuff, so if you'd just stay kind of close and I'll ask you if I need something."

He turned his face towards Kendall and Logan, who he could tell were side by side. "What I do need here is friends, so if you want to be one, that would be cool."

Kendall smiled. "You got that already, two of them, and awesome. Whatever you need, I got it."

Logan nodded. "Yeah, definitely friends. I like you."

Carlos smiled for Logan – he had a big, beamy grin – then Kendall guided him towards English, their first class, Sydney by Carlos' side. Carlos followed Kendall to the back row, not caring where he said – it wasn't like he needed to read the board or anything. 

He could tell Kendall and surrounding people were curious about how he could follow along in class. "Pretty low-tech in school," he said. "Tape-record it, then play it to my laptop at home, which has voice-recognition software and I can listen to what I need to study as many times as I have to to commit it to memory."

"What about tests?"

"I'll take them orally here, cause braille would be useless in this setting." 

He pulled out his little tape recorder and set it up, then leaned back, hand on Sydney; this was new for her too.

English passed quickly, and Carlos introduced himself briefly at the teacher's request. Logan was pleased to see that Carlos was very smart – he had a feeling they'd get along really well. Not that he didn't hang out with less smart people – but even after that first class, Logan could tell that he and Carlos could discuss school, and neither of them would be reluctant – the way it was sometimes with Kendall, who only did his homework because Logan would disapprove if he didn't. 

After English, they had biology in a different classroom, where all three of them sat near the back of the room. The class had just started when the door opened and James came in. At the teacher's raised eyebrow, he shrugged. "What? My backpack broke this morning, so I had to go back to my locker to get the book. I'm sorry."

He didn't sound sorry, and sat down in his spot. He glanced around and saw Kendall and Logan – and the new boy. 

Kendall rolled his eyes; he and James were friend _ly_ , if not exactly friends. Diamond was a pretty damn good singer/actor, and Kendall, despite his jock-ish tendencies appreciated a good show, but sometimes when James pretended to be a normal human being, his performance suffered a little. Like now.

When James looked back, Kendall waggled his fingers at him, and Sydney looked up, giving him a glare before laying her head back down and making Kendall snort. 

Carlos turned his face towards the voice; he recognized it as the boy from this morning, and paused a second, sensing the mood, then turned his eyes back to the textbook, which was in braille.

As the teacher started talking, Carlos spoke in a whisper. "Do you not like that guy?"

Kendall blinked. "How did you… huh. No, I like James okay, but when he's a pompous ass, I want to smack him one, and worse, for him, mess up his hair."

"He's fine," Logan whispered as well. "He can even be pleasant when he's not in one of his moods. Just sometimes, he's a giant asshole and he gets away with just about anything because he's just… James Diamond, you know?"

Carlos nodded. "I know people like that," he said thoughtfully, looking back over at James. "And now he's looking at us, so…"

James had thought he'd heard his name and turned around, looking over to the group curiously. He frowned because it felt like the boy was looking straight at him, even though he was obviously blind and wasn't looking at anything. James shivered a little and tried to focus on class. Or the stick figure smut he was currently drawing into his textbook.

Carlos looked back down. "He feels weird; he's angry and frustrated and now he heard his name so he wonders what's going on. Sydney, go nudge."

Sydney looked up and then got up, padding down the aisle, her tags jingling, and pushed at James' leg with her nose.

James blinked and jerked away when he felt something on his legs, then looked down and saw the dog. He frowned, then glanced over his shoulder before reaching down and stroking the dog gently… she was cute. He smiled when she let him touch her, and he continued petting her for another moment. 

Logan watched this curiously; he hadn't expected James to be so into a dog. He didn't have any pets, as far as Logan knew, so… this was interesting. James Diamond, Animal Lover. Well, stranger things had happened.

James stroked her for another moment, then let go, letting her go back to her owner.

The other kids had been watching this too, and when Sydney padded back up the aisle, she got lots of petting before settling back down next to Carlos, and resting her head on his lap.

Carlos smiled down at her. "That's my good girl," he said softly, petting her and rubbing her nose before lifting his own head and listening to the teacher.

Logan watched Carlos during this class, impressed by the way he did everything. He was just fascinating to watch; you kind of expected him to drop stuff, but he was surprisingly graceful. 

Carlos' mother had told him he would be watched and his actions dissected, which Carlos had already known. He understood he was a curiosity, but hoped it wouldn't be a long-term thing cause it was a little unnerving. But for right now, he was okay with it.

The class ended, and Logan got up, packing his things and not noticing that James had already done that and was now making his way over to them. James smiled when Sydney came over to him again, and he knelt down to pet her. "What's her name?" he asked, looking up at Carlos.

Carlos turned off the recorder and slid it into his backpack, along with his book and reached into the outside pocket for a treat for Sydney. With all these people getting up, he couldn't yet distinguish the vibrations of individual steps, but he would learn them in time. For now, James' giveaway was his cologne and his breathing.

He looked down at James. "Sydney," he said softly. "She's my girl, goes everywhere with me but the shower – no room, cause she likes to spread out in the water."

He smiled at the thought, and Kendall grinned too, over Carlos' head at Logan. "I've stopped and petted seeing-eye dogs before but never spent time with them – she's pretty freaking amazing."

"She is. I've had her since she was six months old – she's four now. Before her, I had Reilly – she was a yellow lab – since I was three. Can't imagine life without my girls."

"Well, she's cute," James said, petting her some more. He glanced at Carlos again, then finally stood up and cleared his throat. "Right. I should get going. See you."

He paused and shifted because obviously Carlos _wouldn't_ be seeing him. He opened his mouth, then closed it, waved and walked away. 

Carlos could feel the awkward pause, and wanted to say hey, no worries, but James' footsteps were already receding and Carlos sighed inwardly. He hated it when people second-guessed their words; he often wanted to just stand up and say, "Hey, yeah, I know I'm blind. It's okay, just talk normally, I'm not offended." He'd never had to before, but he might have to here. 

He made a mental note to let Kendall know if he planned on climbing onto a desk, otherwise it could end badly.

Logan frowned. "That was odd," he said, then shrugged and shouldered his bag. "Right. On to the next class."

The rest of the morning passed quickly, and during their lunch break, they spent some more time with Carlos, talking to him, getting to know him. It already felt like they'd known him forever. 

By the end of the day, Carlos had met a lot of people, all of whom seemed cool, and Kendall and Logan were already fast friends. He could tell when Kendall was moving cause he tended to walk heavy, to thump, while Logan was quieter, but tended to move a _lot_.

He was glad the day was over, though. As they walked out of the classroom, Logan turned to Carlos. "So, have you joined any clubs here at school or elsewhere? Do you have any hobbies?"

Carlos looked over at him. "I have a few, yeah – I love music, I sing. Mostly in church, but other stuff too. I play piano, have for years cause you don't need to see anything there, just feel it. I like video games too."

"How does that work, dude? Special controller?" Kendall was interested in all the ways Carlos adapted so that he could do things as naturally as either he or Logan.

"Uh-huh, and I play with the voice command system too, so either way, I can kick my brothers' asses. They hate that."

Carlos slung his bag over his shoulder. "Do you guys have plans or would you like to come over to my house, goof off for a while?"

"I'm down… Log?"

Logan had been listening and added, "You should think about joining the theater group here, if you're interested in music and acting – they're pretty good. And I'm sure they wouldn't mind having a piano player on their team."

Then he smiled at Kendall "I can't, sadly. Chess club. The big geek has to go win the game he started three weeks ago." He grinned. "Wish me luck? And I'll see you guys tomorrow. It was great meeting you, Carlos." He knelt down. "Bye Sydney!"

He petted her, then stood up and left, waving to Kendall.

"Ah, I forgot about Mighty Logie and His Pawn of Doom," said Kendall, shaking his head. "He actually plays games by email too – and wins them. Kid is a savant."

He smiled and slid an arm around Carlos. "I want to go, so let's get movin' towards home. I already know your Mom is sweet, so there is that."

Carlos smiled too. "She is, but she's pretty tough when she wants to be, too. She runs that place like a machine – no one messes with Mom. Dad, yeah, we all do, but Mom? No. We know better."

They set off then, Sydney leading the way.

• • •

A couple of weeks later, Carlos was still a bit of an attraction but people didn't stare quite as much as they had during the first few days. Sydney was a hit, though; everyone wanted to pet her. 

James watched from afar whenever he happened to spot Kendall, Logan and the new boy. Not that he did a lot of that; he did have better things to do, especially now that he was single again. There was a lot of flirting to be done, and considering who he was, he'd already had a few offers. Girls slipped him their phone numbers, he gave them his charming smile, but so far, he hadn't seen anyone who interested him particularly. 

Besides, maybe staying single was better for now. He could focus on school, hockey, and the theater group. That afternoon, he went to the auditorium for rehearsal. The school year hadn't started too long ago, so they hadn't started working on a play yet. The first few sessions had been spent discussing what they would do this year, and today, they would finally decide. James was hoping for a musical that would allow him to show off his acting _and_ singing. 

He was a little late and came into the room when everyone was already seated, and Mr. Wilson, the drama teacher had already started talking. He gave him a look when he came in. "Sorry," James said, giving him a sheepish smile and dropping his bag in the corner of the room and flopping down on a chair. 

Wilson was about to start talking again but James, who had taken a glance around the room, had just spotted Carlos and blinked. "What the hell is _he_ doing here?" he asked, more surprised than anything else. But it didn't really make sense – how great an actor could a blind boy be?

Mr. Wilson cocked a brow. "What the hell is who doing here, Mr. Diamond?"

"Pretty sure he means me," said Carlos, who had figured it was James; late, and a faint smell of Armani preceded the voice. "No doubt wondering what a blind kid with a dog is doing in the midst of talented thespians."

Carlos had discarded the helmet for this adventure, the purple shirt he was wearing heightening his color – he looked relaxed, even if he was anything but. Kendall and Logan had both needed to get their hockey physicals but were going to meet him to get him home afterward. But right now, it was he and Syd.

James opened his mouth, then closed it again; he really had to find a way to _not_ always say the first thing that came to mind. It wasn't that he had anything against Carlos; he seemed okay, and his dog was cute, but James was the center of attention here. If Carlos was here, _he_ would probably be it, and James really didn't feel like sharing the spotlight with anyone. 

"I just meant," he started, then paused and muttered, "I didn't know you were interested in music and theater."

"I am, actually. Its why I left my little blind kid and friends cocoon to come here where I know no one and where I'm an object of curiosity; cause this school has a great theater program and I wanted to have a chance to be part of it."

He looked over at where he assumed James was. "No worries," he said. "Don't censor what you'd normally say cause of me. Actually, please, no one do that. If someone says "See you later," I don't care. You'll see me, I'll figure out it's you, somehow, its all good."

The teacher and other kids were interested. "How do you know who's who, besides the voice, obviously?"

Carlos rubbed the back of his head. "Well… footsteps – how heavy they are, the direction, the vibrations. Everybody walks differently. I can already tell when Kendall or Logan are in front, back, or beside me. Everyone has a distinct smell; not even cologne or aftershave, but themselves alone, their skin or hair. And we actually use echo-location to sense shapes and distances."

"Like bats?"

"Exactly. And just practice. I've never been isolated or anything, always with other people, my brothers are fine, my parents never made special rules for me. So I have my own system, and Sydney is trained to learn people too, so don't worry. I got this."

He smiled, and he really did have a blinding smile. He looked over at James. "I can sing," he offered. "I play piano too, and I'm decent at it. Trust me, I won't screw anything up."

Despite himself, James found himself listening, curious about how Carlos… worked. God, that made him sound like a robot or something. James had just never been confronted with someone who couldn't _see_ him, and it made him feel a little uncomfortable. He didn't even know why. Maybe it was the fact that he wouldn't be able to charm Carlos, no matter how long he gave him puppy eyes. 

Not that he _needed_ to charm him or was planning on it. Why would he need to? They had nothing to do with each other. 

He looked back at Carlos when he was done talking. "I didn't say that," he said softly. "Just… surprised to see you here."

He cleared his throat, desperately wanting to change the subject, and looked at the teacher. "So, um. Have we decided what we're going to do this year? Please tell me it's a musical?"

The teacher nodded. "We are indeed going to do a musical, especially now that we'll have Carlos here to play the piano, if he wants to," he said, smiling. 

James smiled smugly, already sure that whatever musical they were going to perform, he would get to play the main character – but the teacher had to disappoint him. 

"No, James. We're going to have open and very fair auditions this time. Everyone can audition for the role they want to play, and I will be the one to decide who gets to play the part. I want to give those of you who usually prefer to stay in the background a chance to play a bigger part."

James' face fell and he frowned. Then he shrugged. He had the best voice; he would play the main character either way. It was as simple as that. 

The teacher continued. "Musical suggestions?"

"Les Misérables," James said immediately. "Or Phantom of the Opera."

"Wicked," some of the girls protested, and more and more people started suggesting musicals. In the end, the teacher decided that everyone would write their choice on a piece of paper and he'd count the votes; the one with the most votes would be their project this year. 

James sighed heavily, and after he'd written down Phantom of the Opera, he got up to put his paper into the box the teacher had put up on the stage. He almost ran into Carlos when he got there. 

He cleared his throat and waited for Carlos to slip his paper into the box, which he did wihout fumbling too much. James watched him. "What did you pick?" he asked curiously, wondering what kind of Musical Man Carlos was.

"The Full Monty," Carlos said with a totally straight face. "I feel like the audience should really get as much out of it as possible, and if you play lead…"

He paused, then snorted. "I have no idea in the world what you look like – or what anyone looks like – yet I still feel like I can imagine your horrified expression. I picked Les Mis, cause hey, go big or go home."

He stepped back with Sydney to let others at the box, smiling at the petting she got, feeling that the other students were fine with him being here – well, all except the tall one standing to his side. He had to be at least 6 feet, maybe a little more.

After his initial shock at Carlos' joke, James' brows shot up and he let out a surprised laugh. "Well… I don't think the principal would be too happy with full-frontal nudity, but it definitely would be something different."

He smiled a little, then stood there awkwardly while everyone else's attention was on Carlos and Sydney. He bit his lip, then moved away and helped the teacher count the notes. Maybe he could slip in a few extra Les Mis or Phantom ones. 

In the end, there was a tie between Les Misérables and Hair, of all fucking things, and James was grateful when the teacher didn't pick the latter. He didn't think he could pull off a big, bushy wig, even with his pretty face.

Carlos couldn't help grinning when Les Mis won – that was gonna have to be an epic production, and he was excited to be part of it on any level.

By tomorrow there would be copies of the play they could pick up and read – Carlos would have to get his online or on tape, he knew – and auditions would be Thursday next week. He knew the play, had 'seen' a few productions of it, wished he could play Marius, but that was probably out of the question. But hey, it required a lot of singing from a lot of people, and he was determined to be part of that.

He was sitting on the edge of the stage with Sydney, talking to a couple of girls when he heard Kendall approach. Thump, slide, thump, thump, slide, one foot coming down hard when he stopped in front of him. Carlos smiled.

"Hey, Kendall," he said, as Sydney nosed Kendall's leg; she liked him. "All ready to kick ass on ice?"

Kendall grinned. "Yessir, totally ready. And you knew it was me already, huh? The walking?"

"Mostly, and the Altoids you toss back regularly; the mint gets into your pores."

"Hmph. Do you smell anything else on me?" Kendall hopped up and sat next to him on the stage.

Carlos smiled. "Yeah, but nothing you're supposed to do on school grounds."

Kendall laughed. "You're a good man, Garcia. So what are you guys doing for a play?"

"Les Mis," said one of the girls petting Sydney.

"Is Diamond automatically the lead?"

"No, we all have to audition."

Kendall blinked. "And I didn't hear or see any explosions from this part of the building, huh. Oh well."

He looked around. "Diamond! What heresy is this?"

James looked up at Kendall's voice. "I _know_ , right?"

He hopped off the stage gracefully and made his way over to Kendall and Carlos. "I'm gonna end up playing one of the main roles anyway – hopefully Jean Valjean, unless _someone_ feels like torturing me, so it'll be fine. I think. God, just imagine if he made me play Thénardier."

With a nasty glance at the teacher, James shuddered, then knelt down on one of the chairs in front of Kendall and Carlos, turned towards them. 

"The horror," agreed Kendall, having no idea who Thénardier was – for all he knew, he could be the guy selling snow cones on the corner. "How could they not give the lead to you, you handsome bastard, huh? Just _how_?"

Kendall, who had known James since day camp when they were seven, could pretty much say anything he wanted to James. He'd saved him from a mushy leach field at nine, and James was forever in his debt. Or so he liked to remind him. Frequently.

"I know! I was shocked," James said, tossing his hair back. "But when he sees my audition, he won't have a choice but to give me the main part, so… whatever. I'll survive."

He rubbed the back of his neck, glancing at Carlos briefly before turning back to Kendall. "So, how was practice? I hope this and hockey isn't going to end up being at the same time every week, cause that would suck hugely. Don't wanna give up either."

"Just a brief skirmish today, no uniforms… and hockey's gonna be Wednesday, Friday and Sunday nights; games on Friday nights, so we'll be without you for one night, but we'll manage. And play stuff is Tuesday, Thursday, right? You're gonna be one busy supermodel."

James gave him a grin. "I guess so! But that works. I can miss one night of practice. I'm way better than the rest of you anyway."

He smirked at Kendall, then looked down at Sydney, running his fingers through her fur before he looked at Carlos. "Who're you gonna audition for?"

Carlos was listening to all this, storing it away, then felt James' eyes on him. "Marius," he said softly. "I want to at least try, but I'll be happy with whatever I get."

James looked at Carlos curiously and imagined him playing Marius. "Can't see why not," he said softly, even though he couldn't _really_ see that happening. He wondered what Carlos' voice sounded like, though, and if he really was that good. He wondered if they could check out other people's auditions – because he really wanted to see Carlos', for some reason. 

Carlos tilted his head. "Are you really hot or something?"

Kendall snorted and gave Sydney a Milk Bone. "Yeah, Diamond, are you really hot?"

James blinked at the question and gave Kendall a brief glare. "Shut up, you," he said, turning to Carlos. His "The Face" gesture would be lost on him, so he just shrugged and said. "Well, yeah. No one's complained so far, so…"

Kendall grinned back at James. "Make me," he sing-songed, then laughed. "Or don't, cause I don't wanna mess up The Face."

Carlos looked between them. "Which one of you is better looking?" he asked, then had to laugh when they both simultaneously came out with, "Pfft, me!"

Kendall tilted his head. "James is tall, about 6 feet or maybe a little over, has hazel eyes with ridiculous lashes, a perfect nose and lips, and a smile that is too perfect to be real. No braces, no nothing. Brown hair, with some red, some blonde strands here and there, and he's doing the whole Hercules look at the moment, all flowy. He has a lucky comb, and let's leave it at that. He has muscles, a six pack that's carrying its own six pack, and he's usually tan. In fucking Minnesota. So yeah, he's about an 8," he added with a smirk. Eight. Really.

James let out a high-pitched half-shriek, half-gasp. "An _eight_? Please, I'm a twelve at the very least."

He gave Kendall a weak glare, then sat up and raised a brow, still pleased with Kendall's description of him; it was quite accurate. "Why, Knight, I didn't know you looked at my body that much."

He raised an eyebrow, then turned to Carlos, eyes still on Kendall. "Kendall, on the other hand, is a little shorter than I am, but not much, has quite intense green eyes and huge dark bushy brows. He's blond and has weird, floppy hair, a too-long nose and chin, but a decent smile and insane dimples. He looks kind of odd when you think about it, but for some reason, it all works together, and girls swoon at his feet. He doesn't have a six pack but a nice enough body, I suppose. I don't really look at him that much in the showers after practice cause that would just be weird."

He paused. " _He_ really _is_ an eight. Maybe a nine on good days."

Sydney barked at the shriek, and Carlos laughed because honestly, he'd never heard that sound from a guy before – he didn't think so, anyway. But a 12? Diamond was a little confident, huh?

He listened to the description of Kendall, trying to imagine it; somehow, it seemed to fit what he knew of him already.

"Odd? I look _odd_? Jesus. And my body is slammin', I'll have you know. An eight, please. I am at least a nine on _all_ days."

Kendall sighed. "Whereas Carlos here, is freaking adorable. You do know that, right?"

Carlos flushed. "Am I?"

"Hell yeah. You're like, pocket-sized for the Tallest like Diamond here, but yeah – great smile, pretty eyes, long lashes, little dimples, compact little body, nice ass, fuzzy hair…"

"So you're saying I'm short?"

"You didn't know?"

Carlos laughed. "I figured that part out, but really, the rest? I didn't know that, or at least, know it like that."

"Yeah, really. James? Back me up here. He's cute as hell, right?"

James raised a brow – Kendall had looked at Carlos' ass? Okay then. 

When Kendall started listing everything good-looking about Carlos, James looked at the other boy and tilted his head, trying to see what Kendall was saying, before he looked back over at Kendall. "Um. Yeah. He is. You know. For a guy."

He facepalmed inwardly; God, he never hesitated, so why was admitting that Carlos _was_ cute so hard? 

"I mean, you must have countless offers from girls," he added.

Carlos blushed. "Did my mom pay you to say all that?" he asked, and rubbed his face, while Kendall grinned. "She only paid me to say you were cute, not list the reasons why. I threw those in cause I'm a good guy that way."

He eyed James, who was acting weird. Even for him.

Carlos shrugged. "I've had two girlfriends," he said. "The last one I just broke up with a couple of months ago, so… not countless offers but some. See the cool thing about us? Nothing is based on looks, cause they're irrelevant. Janie was a great girl, so was Mika before her."

James was nibbling his lip as he listened to Carlos. He glanced at Kendall and caught his look, then shrugged. He didn't know why he was acting weird either. 

"Cool," he said finally, then stood up. "Right, I should get going. I have… stuff to do. So.. see you around."

He waved awkwardly, then turned, grabbed his stuff and left, wondering what the fuck was wrong with him. But something Carlos had said had made him feel incredibly uncomfortable and he didn't know why. He decided not to worry about it and went about the rest of his day without thinking about Carlos. Much.

Kendall kind of wondered what the fuck was wrong with James too, but Diamond was a weird one anyway and he had other things to think about. Carlos felt him get up and leave, then looked over at Kendall. "He doesn't like me much, does he? I haven't done shit to him and he's just very…"

"He's James," sighed Kendall. "James is just… he's not good with change, he feels like he made a bad first impression, and he's not used to people he can't impress with his looks. To impress you, he'd have to rely on his personality and he can be kind of an ass, so that tends to backfire on him a lot. Its not that he doesn't like you – he's not sure how to categorize you in that little swamp he calls a brain."

Carlos nodded. "I know a lot of people like that, and it's cool, I just wondered what I'd done."

"Not a damn thing. You're fine. Also, theater is Diamond's domain so seeing you here probably threw him for a loop. It's a good thing."

He stood up. "Let's get you home, where you rule."

Carlos smiled. "I do rule. And okay, thanks Kendall."

"No problem, man. Anything you need."

Sydney walked them out of the auditorium and into the fresh fall air, heading home.

• • •

James practiced his singing a lot over the next few days. He was good, knew what he wanted to sing and already knew the song by heart. That didn't stop him from singing it over and over again until he knew it better than perfectly. He wanted to play one of the main characters, and while he didn't think the teacher was actually going to pick someone else over him and just make him a part of the ensemble, he wasn't going to take the risk. 

On Tuesday, he was ready, and one of the first ones outside the auditorium, ready to audition. When the girl before him came out, he gave her a smile, then went inside and onto the stage, and started singing, closing his eyes as he did, making sure to get into Jean Valjean's character as his voice filled the room.

Carlos was nervous; he hated feeling this way, but he knew it was normal, even if it sucked. It was one thing to sing in front of people who'd known him since he needed a change of pants in his cubby and his rabbit for naptime, to a group of folks who were looking more at his situation than him, at least on the surface. He could only hope that his audition would make them forget for a little while.

He waited outside with the others, offstage, and even though they couldn't watch the auditions, they could hear them. And Carlos listened to James in awe.

That voice? Was unreal.

He knew when James came out, and he took a breath, standing up and turning to where he knew James was. "Wow," he said honestly. "That was really, really good."

James blinked when he heard Carlos' voice on his way out, then turned to him and smiled, pleased at the compliment. "Thank you," he said softly, flattered. He took a step closer to him and rubbed the back of his neck. 

"Are you next?" he asked then. "Don't be nervous. There are only two people in there; not exactly a crowd. I'm sure you'll do fine."

"It seems so, so guess I better get myself in there… and only two? Better, that helps, thanks."

It was odd talking to Carlos without Kendall there, but James thought he was doing well. He looked Carlos over, then opened his mouth, hesitating. "Do you, uh, want me to go in with you?"

Carlos took a breath and felt Sydney's cold nose in his hand, then smiled. "I think I'll be okay, but… that would be cool. I'm pretty sure they won't mind, right?"

James shook his head. "I don't think so – and if they do, I can always come back out. No problem."

He wasn't sure exactly while he'd offered to help Carlos. He usually didn't really care about anyone but himself, but he realised that Carlos didn't know his surroundings that well yet and didn't want him to accidentally trip on his way to the stage.

He lifted his hand, then let it drop again, not sure if Carlos even needed him to guide him, considering he had Sydney. In the end, he decided to hesitantly place his hand on Carlos' back, and opened the door for him, following him inside. 

Carlos was a little surprised to be touched, but didn't flinch; he was used to people trying to guide him, and he appreciated it enough to never complain that he could do it on his own. He gave James a smile, and let Sydney lead him up the steps to the stage while James stayed off stage, and gave the student manning the CD containing the music for the song he was going to sing.

The CD was put in, and Carlos waited for the right moment, then began to sing, closing his eyes and letting the song flow through him. 

James watched Carlos, then leaned against the wall as he listened to him – and was glad he'd thought of that because Carlos' voice made his knees a little weak. He sounded slightly husky, raspy, and his voice did something odd to James. He stared at him the entire time he was singing, then swallowed hard when he was done, goosebumps all over his skin. 

Carlos loved to sing – he always had, all his life, and ever since his voice dropped at thirteen, he liked it even more, cause he liked the way he sounded, even if no one else did. He didn't know if it was a good performance or not, but when he had sung the last note, he was satisfied. 

"Thank you," he said to where the director and choreographer were sitting – he could feel the heat coming up from the pit – and reached for Sydney, who had been laying beside him, his hand closing around her harness.

James waited for Sydney to lead Carlos down the steps, then followed both of them out of the room again, closing the door when the next student had gone inside. Then he turned to Carlos and opened his mouth, but was literally speechless for a moment. 

"That was… amazing," he managed finally. He didn't hand out compliments on a daily basis, so this was a somewhat epic event.

Carlos blew out a breath, then looked up at James and gave him a smile. "You think so? Thank you."

He rubbed his cheek. "I'm bright red, huh? Never been nervous before, really. But glad you liked it. I think it must be tough to compete with you, though."

Sydney slurped his hand and he stroked her. "You've heard that song how many times this week, huh Syd?"

"Yeah," James breathed. "I mean, if you still want to play Marius, nothing should stand in your way because that was… perfect."

He had to smile. "And yeah, you are a little red. And thanks."

He looked down at Sydney and patted her head gently.

Carlos' smile widened. "That's really nice of you to say," he said, sensing the smile back. "I'm not surprised. Sometimes I feel like I'm on fire."

The last person to audition came out of the room, followed by the drama teacher. He cleared his throat to get everyone's attention, and both James and Carlos turned to him. "The cast list will be up on the board a week from today before practice. Don't try to bribe me cause it won't work," he said, pausing for effect. No one laughed. He continued, "We will consider your auditions and pick the most fitting person for each role. No one will be given special treatment."

He looked at both James and Carlos when he said that, then left again. James sighed and turned to Carlos. "Well… good luck then," he said. "Hope we'll both get what we want. At least we don't both want to play the same part."

He reached for his bag and shouldered it. "I should get going; maybe I can get a little hockey practice in before it's over. You'll be fine on your own?"

Carlos nodded and James smiled. "Right. Bye then. And bye, Sydney."

He knelt down to pet her again, loving the softness of her fur, and touched Carlos' arm lightly before leaving school and going to the rink. All the way there, he couldn't seem to get Carlos' voice out of his head.

• • •

A week later, they were gathered outside the auditorium again. James could sense everyone's nervousness and rolled his eyes; personally, he didn't have anything to be nervous about, considering he was going to get the part he wanted either way. He stood with Carlos as they waited, talking about school and their auditions while petting Sydney. 

He could feel Carlos' nervousness as well and resisted the urge to touch him in some way, to calm him down. He had a feeling too much touching would be annoying to Carlos. And maybe he didn't like to be touched. James didn't know. 

They didn't have to wait too long; after only a few minutes, their drama teacher came out of the room and smiled mysteriously as he moved over to the opposite wall, pinned the cast list to it. He turned to face them. "This is the definite cast list, nothing can be done to change my mind, so don't even try. There will, however, be understudies, just in case someone from the main cast is unable to perform." 

He waved a hand because no one was listening to him anyway, and moved away. Everyone jumped up and ran over to the board, some of them cheering, others looking disappointed. 

James took a breath and stood up. "I'll go check," he said to Carlos, then went over to the list and smiled as he looked for his name… which wasn't at the top. That was odd. His face fell as his eyes moved down the list, and he found himself at the bottom with the ensemble. He stared at the list in shock, and looked again, just to make sure he'd read that correctly, then took a step back and swallowed hard. 

He turned and walked over to Wilson. "Ensemble? _Ensemble_? Are you fuck– Are you _serious_?"

The teacher raised his hands. "James, please. You've been the main star since you first joined the club; you can't expect to always be the center of attention. Some of the others have worked really hard and improved incredibly; shouldn't they get the chance to show what they can do too?"

James just stared at him, the hurt obvious on his face. He took a couple of steps back, shook his head and turned around to leave. He walked over to Carlos and swallowed hard. 

"Congratulations," he said, voice bitter. "You got Marius."

Then he walked away without another word. He managed to hold the tears back until he got home, but once he was there, he sat down on the floor and cried.

Carlos heard James' voice rise and bit his lip as he heard the conversation; he wasn't surprised when all he got from James was a less than sincere congratulations and the sound of a slamming door in the distance.

He accepted his own congratulations from the other cast members and asked if he could say something.

"Hi," he said, knowing he was still flushing. "I'm really excited for this chance, and you all sounded amazing, so I'm happy for you all. I know you might be worried about someone who has a disability screwing up the performance, but you don't have to worry. I promise. I wouldn't have auditioned if I thought I'd be a problem. So again, thanks and I can't wait for this to come together."

He got applause for that, and several people stopped to talk to him, especially Cosette, with whom he'd share several scenes. She seemed really sweet, and he liked her already.

His father was waiting for him outside the school and when Carlos told him the news, he could feel his father's smile.

"Los, that's wonderful," he said sincerely, reaching over to squeeze his shoulder. "I am so proud of you!"

He wasn't the only one; his mother fussed over him, and even his brothers were impressed, which was no small feat. Dinner was spent figuring out rehearsals and rides, and Carlos listened and nodded, but part of him was wondering about James and if he was okay…

In the evening, Logan called Carlos, wanting to hear everything about the audition. "Tell me everything! Did you get a good part?"

Carlos grinned into the phone and laid back on his bed. "Wellll… as you know, it went well, yeah. I must have done something right, cause I got the part I wanted, Marius – I'm really psyched about it, and people seem all right with me getting it, so that's all good. But, uhm… James auditioned too, and only got to be part of the ensemble cause the director wanted to showcase other actors. He didn't take it well. He'd actually been really nice to me the last couple of times I saw him, helping me make it into the auditorium and all, waiting for me. I feel really bad for him."

He sighed. "He sounded really hurt when he left."

Logan smiled. "You did? That's awesome, Carlos, I'm sure you're going to be great!"

Then he paused, thinking he'd misheard. "James Diamond didn't get what he wanted?" he asked slowly, then let out a breath. "Whoa. Yeah, that would hurt that huge ego of his. He's used to getting whatever he wants, and he prides himself on his looks and voice and acting skills, so this must've been hard to hear. I feel bad for him too but… maybe this will be good for him, you know? Maybe this'll make him realise what it's like for the rest of us."

"Thank you… and no, he didn't. And he sounded really angry, bitter, upset. It sounded like he was almost trying not to cry, and I just felt terrible for him. He was amazing, Logan. I've never heard a voice like his before and… I just worry. Kendall swore he doesn't dislike me, and if he did, he wouldn't have tried to help me, but I still feel bad for him."

"I'm sure he'll be fine, Carlos," Logan said softly. "James is a big boy; he can handle this. I bet tomorrow he's gonna be back at school, fierce as ever, and trying to trip whoever got the role of Jean Valjean, so they'll break a leg and he can take over. Just wait and see."

He smiled, hoping to cheer Carlos up a little.

"He'll bring new meaning to 'break a leg,' huh?"

Carlos smiled a little into the phone. "I hope so. I saw the director's point, yeah, but it still seems hard to believe that anyone could be better than him. But I guess I'll have to see, yeah."

Logan shrugged. "Most people probably aren't better than him, you're right. But he'll get over it, honestly. Don't worry about him."

They talked a little longer, then finally hung up cause Logan needed to get ready for bed and Carlos needed to process the fact that he was getting the chance to prove to everyone that he was a good singer and could pull this off.


	2. Chapter 2

James was definitely not all right. After crying for a long while that night, he just went to bed, watching stupid shows on TV and stuffing his face with food he shouldn't be eating in the first place. But right then, he couldn't bring himself to care. 

He wasn't at school the next day, or the day after that. In fact, he stayed home for the rest of the week, thinking that there was no point in going to school on a Friday when he'd already skipped the two days before. He felt a bit bad about missing hockey practice again, but he wasn't going to miss that much anyway.

That Saturday promised to be like the previous days; spent in bed, not caring about anything but his misery – at least until he got a call from a nice-sounding lady who asked him if he had time to babysit her kids tonight. James agreed after a moment, and when the call ended, he finally managed to drag himself out of bed. He showered, went for a long run in the afternoon, then showered again, and in the evening got ready to go to the address the woman had given him. 

He'd taken up babysitting a few months ago. He didn't really need the money but after getting talked into watching a friend's little brother one day, he'd found that he rather enjoyed spending time with kids, and had published an ad in the local newspaper, offering his services for a relatively low price.

When he arrived at the address the woman had given him, he took a breath and rang the doorbell. It was a nice house; not terribly big, but nice-looking.

Carlos noticed that James wasn't at school, and felt bad, but after a day or two, he couldn't worry about it because this was obviously his choice. They had their first practice that Thursday, and Carlos found his marks, starting memorizing them in his head, and was up in his room that Saturday when he heard the doorbell go off downstairs.

Sydney lifted her head from her chew toy, tilted it, then went back to nomming, while Carlos was running his lines.

Downstairs, Sylvia answered the door, still twisting her hair up and smiled. "Hi, you must be James. I'm Sylvia, nice to meet you. I've heard good things about you, so thank you for saying yes on such short notice!"

She let him in, and he was immediately rushed by a set of twins who were maybe three or four, and a seven year old eyed him from the doorway, as another set of eyes peered over the railing.

Sylvia shook her head. "Four, can you believe it? Five, actually, but the oldest is 16, so…" She trailed off. "I wrote down all their bedtimes, snacks – they're pretty easy kids, I promise. Here's my cell, Danny's cell and where we're going. I think that's it," she said, looking around and picking up her purse. "Do you have any questions?"

James smiled. "Hi! Yes, no problem. I didn't have any plans for tonight, so I love to help. And… no, I don't think I have any questions right now. I'll call if I need anything. Have a good night."

He smiled, watched the parents kiss the boys goodnight, then waved when the parents left. He closed the door behind them, then took a breath and turned to the kids. Four. Jesus. He'd never had to watch that many kids at once and hoped he could handle them.

He smiled. "Hi guys," he said softly and knelt in front of the twins. "I'm James. What are your names?"

The twins eyed him, then looked at each other. "I'm Alex," said one, "and I'm Joey," said the other, to which the slightly older one shook his head. "No, _he's_ Alex. Don't be dorks. Alex has more freckles and Joey has one green eye and one brown. Like a dog. Cool, huh?"

He came forward. "I'm Alle, and the goon on the stairs is Benito, but we call him Ben. And you're James. We usually have girl babysitters though."

James smiled. "Well, nice to meet all of you," he said, then looked at Joey. "Your eyes do have two different colours – that's _really_ cool, dude."

He smiled, then tilted his head at Alle. "Would you rather have a girl? Or are you saying I'm a girl cause I'm babysitting you?"

Joey smiled. "I know, right? Mommy says it's because the angels couldn't decide, so they gave me one of each." He beamed at James, while Alle tilted his head. "No. Just sayin' it's usually girls, but they want to mess around on their phones and get mad if you try on their lipstick."

James gave Joey a sweet smile. "You know, that probably _is_ what happened. Either way, they're both really pretty. The girls are gonna love that someday."

He ruffled Joey's hair, then poked Alex's nose, giving him a smile as well before he turned to Alle. "True, they do. But I'm not gonna do that, so I think we'll get along. And I'll always let you use my lipstick."

He kept a straight face for a couple of seconds, then grinned. "All right, guys, what do you wanna do? We could… watch tv or play some games or dress up like superheroes and save the world… anything you want. Well," he paused. "Almost anything. Nothing your parents would disapprove of."

He smiled, then looked up at the little one on the stairs. "Any idea what you wanna do, Ben? Do you wanna come here so I can see your face, or do you prefer to stay in the dark like a ninja?" 

He stayed on his knees in front of the kids, looking at four pretty faces.

Ben looked down, then slid down the bannister and landed with a thump at James' feet.

"He always does that. Sometimes he falls on his head," said Alex, nodding, then Ben smiled, a huge, white smile. "We could _play_ ninja – I have a great ninjitsu!"

"If you crash into Mommy's ficus again cause you're tree jumping, she's gonna be _mad_ ," said Alle, but otherwise, there was general enthusiasm for the idea.

James watched Ben, impressed, and gave him a smile. "That sounds like a brilliant idea."

As it turned out, the boys had a pretty detailed ninja strategy, and very specific plans, so after a brief foray for ninja-wear, furniture was claimed, foam weapons produced and positions taken.

Carlos heard thumping around downstairs and devoutly hoped the babysitter knew what she was getting into. It wasn't that he couldn't look after his brothers, but his parents felt better having another set of eyes there, so to speak. Carlos didn't care – it got him out of being ambushed by four violent children.

He should probably go down and say hello though, just for courtesy's sake. And he would. In a bit.

The kids were great ninjas, James had to admit, and for a while, they played relatively peacefully (though with a lot of thumping). James made sure they weren't hurting themselves or breaking anything, but then Joey attempted to jump onto the coffee table but missed, and ended up bumping his knee right into the corner of the table. 

He fell back on the floor, holding his knees, and a moment later, there were tears. 

"Oh honey," James said, dropping his foam weapon right away and moving over to him. He picked him up easily and sat down on the couch with him, pulling him against his chest and rocking him gently. "Does it hurt a lot?"

When Joey nodded, sniffling and looking up at him with those huge eyes, James pushed his trousers up and inspected his injury – there wasn't much to look at really, but it would probably turn into a big bruise overnight. "It's okay, Joey, look, it's only a little scratch," he said, showing him his knee. "And, you know, injuries are part of being a ninja. Do you think you're gonna be okay?"

He looked at him, brushing his tears away and giving him a smile. "Come on, let's go find you a band-aid."

He picked him up, throwing him over his shoulder as he stood up. He looked at the other three. "Brief time-out while I take this one to the nurse, all right? Grab your CapriSuns and take a break until I'm back."

He eyed them sternly, then left the room with Joey, hoping he'd find bandaids in the kitchen. He set him down on the counter, then opened a couple of drawers, found one with random stuff like batteries and – ah, band-aids. He came back to him and showed it to him. "It even has pictures on it. So cool," he said, then pushed Joey's trousers up again and carefully placed the band-aid over the scratch. "There. All better now, right?"

Carlos had heard the thumps, and then the tell-tale wail. Pretty much right on schedule too, and it was Joey – he could tell by the hitch and catch between sobs, and he got up to go check, Sydney already heading down the stairs.

He got halfway down, and heard a voice talking about the perils of being a ninja, and then the sound of Joey being picked up and carried off. 

He knew that voice, but what the hell was it doing in his house?

Carlos made his way into the kitchen, stopping just short of the counter. "Joey, dude, are you all right? What did you smack into now?"

"The taaable," he sniffled, and Carlos sighed. "You know, ninjas have to watch where they're going – their ninjitsu doesn't always provide ten extra senses."

"It hurts, but Jamie put a Snoopy bandaid on it," Joey added, and Carlos smiled. 

"Well, then James is a good babysitter." He reached for Joey and Joey hopped onto him, cuddling, and Carlos hugged him, kissing his temple. "Be careful, okay? For me. Syd, go watch the boys, willya?"

Sydney barked and headed off to the living room, and Carlos gave Joey another squeeze and sent him off after Sydney.

James froze for a second when he recognized Carlos' voice before he even turned around. He looked at him, stunned for a moment before he remembered that the boys' mum had said she had another son. Oh. 

He watched Carlos take care of Joey, and there was something really sweet about that. Then Joey and Sydney left, and James bit his lip. "Hey," he said softly. "Didn't expect to see you here tonight…"

Carlos listened to make sure Joey had gotten into the other room safely, then smiled a little. "I don't expect that you did… I'm actually more surprised that you're here though. I wouldn't think babysitting would be up your alley, but hey, it's all good."

James shrugged. "I started doing it about a year ago. I like kids. I don't really need the money; I just like helping out, so…"

"That's cool," said Carlos, reaching into the fridge for a Coke, popping it open. "Normally I come down and say hey, but I was reading and lost track of time, but then I heard Joe… one of them always gets banged up at least once a day. They're made out of rubber, I swear. They're being good for you though, right? Cause I can kick their butts if needed."

James smiled a littlee. "Oh, no, no, they're perfect. They're really sweet, so don't worry. No ass-kicking needed here."

"They're pretty good kids overall, just rambunctious. But good, glad they're behaving for you. I'd watch them, but… yeah, can't, really."

He smiled, then took a breath. "I was kind of concerned about you, so glad to see you're okay."

James nodded. "Yeah, but I think this'll tire them out pretty quickly. Being a ninja is exhausting, so I'm sure I'll get them to go to bed soon," he said, smiling. 

He grabbed a glass and drank some water, then looked up in surprise. "You were?"

"I'll help you get them to bed when it's time, cause all together, they can be a project; Mom and Dad usually take turns and split the difference. But yeah, I was. You were… or seemed… really upset the other day and then you weren't in school or anything, and I just… I hate it when people feel bad and there's nothing I can do."

James nodded. "All right, thanks. I can imagine; must be exhausting, having four siblings. I wouldn't know; I don't have any."

He watched Carlos and looked down. "I was upset," he admitted softly. "Still am, I guess. But I'll be fine. Thanks for worrying, though."

"No problem," Carlos said a little awkwardly and shrugged. "I didn't know how to get ahold of you, and figured you'd be all, "what the fuck?" if I did, so… I just worried."

"You said fuck," came a voice from the door, and Carlos nodded. "I did, Ben. I really did."

"How come you get to say it?"

"Cause I'm sixteen and you are ten. When you're sixteen, you can say whatever the hell you want. Probably. Within limits."

"You get to do everything," sighed Ben. "Can I have some Coke?"

"No caffeine, dude. You're bouncy enough as is."

Carlos rubbed Ben's head. "Go rally the troops for another round, okay?"

James smiled a little and rubbed the back of his neck as he watched Ben disappear into the other room. "All right," he said to Carlos. "Gonna go play another round of ninja then."

He stepped back, then turned around and made his way back into the living room where he picked up his weapon, and the game was on again. Carlos listened to James leave – his footsteps were much lighter than Kendall's, and he moved fast in general. He leaned against the counter and heard the battle start up again, then smiled and went back upstairs till it was time for the kids to go to bed.

He waited upstairs. "Okay, guys, teeth brushing and hand washing, chop chop!"

James smiled when the kids all obeyed Carlos more or less without protesting. When they were done in the bathroom, James helped the little ones into their pajamas and tucked them in. 

"Sleep tight, all right? And if you need anything, I'll be around until your mom and dad come back."

He kissed their foreheads and gave them a smile, then stood up and went to the other two, saying goodnight to them as well. He looked at Alle. "So, am I better than a girl then?"

Carlos listened to this; James had this all under control, and he really _was_ good with kids, so after saying goodnight, Carlos went back to his room, leaving the door open. 

Alle looked up, blinking. "Yeah, way better. You can come back whenever Mommy and Daddy go out, kk?"

James smiled down at him. "All right, thank you. That's nice of you."

He stood up. "Goodnight, Alle."

He smiled, then left the room. He looked around for Carlos, then noticed light coming from an open door down the hall. He went there, knocked on the doorframe and leaned against it, looking at Carlos. 

"Are you going to bed too?" he asked, then, inexplicably, flushed a little. He'd never really been socially awkward before but Carlos seemed to bring it out of him. At least he hadn't asked Carlos if he wanted to be tucked in. 

Carlos looked up from his tablet. "Not yet, no. Just finishing up some reading and then getting stuff ready for tomorrow, books and stuff to study. I like to sleep, so the more organized I am now, the less I forget tomorrow."

He set the tablet aside. "Can I ask you something kind of weird? And you can say no, definitely, but… uhm. Okay, the only way I can 'see' anyone is if I can touch them. Not inappropriately – like face, hair, hands. And I'm curious about you."

He smiled a little. "Kendall let me check him out, and he does match all that you said – it was pretty cool."

James blinked, then listened to Carlos' question. His brows shot up and he bit his lip. That _was_ a little weird but oddly enough, the idea of Carlos touching his face didn't freak him out too much. "Um… sure."

He moved over to Carlos and sat down on the bed next to him. He hesitated for a moment, then picked up Carlos' hand and brought it up to his face.

"You don't have to, its okay if its too weird," started Carlos, then felt the mattress depress beside him as James sat down. He sensed the hesitation, but James took his hand, and he nodded. "Okay," he said softly, and brought up his other hand too, nibbling his lip a little.

He started at the top of James' head, moving his fingers lightly down his face, tracing his forehead, eyebrows, cheekbones, his own brow furrowing.

His fingers drifted over his nose and lips, chin, then neck and shoulders, arms, down to his hands, then back up to his hair, a light touch, before pulling his hands back.

He paused. "Kendall was right," he said softly. "You are beautiful."

James watched Carlos' face while he was touching him; it _was_ a little weird to have the other boy's hands all over his face but it also felt kind of nice. Carlos was careful and gentle and not touching him inappropriately, and James found he really didn't mind. 

He smiled a little at Carlos' reaction, then raised his brows. "How can you tell?" he asked curiously. "I can't imagine I'd be able to put together a face by just touching everything."

"Well," said Carlos, thinking about it from James' point of view, or trying to. "It's like… I've never 'seen' anyone the way you have. I didn't lose my sight; I never had it in the first place. So I've had to build what I know of how people look from books and sensory tools; I was part of a study once that essentially created impulses in our brain that formed an image that was stereotypically good-looking. It's kind of hard to explain if you haven't done it. Actually, it's kind of hard to explain how things work for me to any sighted person."

He furrowed his brow again. "I guess I just know. I match what Kendall said to what I could feel, and it was pretty spot on."

"Right," James said, frowning as well as he listened to him. "Yeah, makes sense."

He rubbed the back of his neck, not sure if he understood exactly what it was like for Carlos, but trying to. Like Carlos said; it was probably impossible for someone sighted to imagine what it was like not to be able to see.

"Not really," said Carlos with a smile. "I can see that you're still trying to figure it out, but don't worry. Hopefully you'll never, ever need to know what this feels like."

Sydney had done her checks and now padded back in and sat on Carlos' foot. "And you need to go outside, don't you, baby? Come on."

He stood up and reached for her leash on his desk, expertly hooking her up and turning back towards James. "I just take her out into the yard, so its all good."

He and Sydney headed down the stairs, and then out the back door, Carlos jumping down the three steps to the yard.

James wasn't sure if Carlos wanted to follow him but he did, his eyebrows shooting up when he watched Carlos jump down the stairs. James was pretty sure that if _he_ was blind, he'd probably _crawl_ around because he'd be afraid of falling all the time. But Carlos moved extremely gracefull for someone who couldn't see where he was going. 

Outside, he sat down on the steps and watched Carlos with his dog. 

Sydney did her business in an assigned spot and then came back over to Carlos on the far side, where he had her ball, and threw it for her a few times, then wrestling with her over her rope toy until she barked at him and he laughed and stroked her head as she cuddled up to him and licked his face.

"I love you too," he told her, and kissed her nose before standing up. "Alright, kiddo, time to go in for the night."

He moved easily over to the steps and nudged against James. "Do you know I can find you by smell?"

James looked up at him and smiled. "You can? Should I take that as a compliment or an insult?" 

He grinned. "Either you like me and already recognize my smell, or I just smell so bad that you can't help noticing me."

Carlos smiled back. "It's not an insult, no – you smell pretty good, actually. It's just that no one else around here smells like Armani and whatever shampoo you use, so when I smell that, I know it's you. And you have an underlying smell too – it's kind of cinnamon-y. Like Alle smells like maple syrup, always. Has nothing to do with what he eats, it's just in his blood. So it could be way worse."

James smiled. "I like cinnamon, so okay. Definitely not an insult then."

He stood up and followed Carlos back into the house, closing the door behind him. "So… what do you usually do on Saturday evenings?" he asked after a moment of silence.

"Why, are you asking me out?"

Carlos tended to throw things like this out because he could, and because he liked listening to the reaction. "It's a little late to go to dinner, but a movie is still possible. Do you prefer the snogging or no-snogging section in the theater?"

James' eyes widened and he spluttered. "I wasn't… I mean, I-I'm babysitting, I can't leave," he added quickly, feeling his cheeks flush. What was _that_? Did Carlos think he was gay and interested in him? Had James given him reason to think he was interested in _him_?

And more importantly, _was_ he interested in Carlos?

He shook his head inwardly. No, he wasn't into guys. But was _Carlos_?

Carlos heard James sputter and laughed. "Dude, calm down, I was kidding. Am kidding. You're hyperventilating over there."

"I'm not," James protested. "I just… didn't expect that."

Carlos grinned. "I know. You're excessively het, I can tell."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "I usually mess around on my laptop, sometimes see a movie with friends – listen to a movie, rather – play video games, the usual stuff."

He looked up at him – James was easy to find – and asked, "So what do you do? When you're not putting bandaids on boo-boos and getting the crap whaled out of you by kids with no boundaries and Nerf axes?"

James took a breath, relaxing a little, and nodded. "Same things, really. Hanging out with friends, watching movies… sometimes we go out to clubs we're not really supposed to get into." He smiled. "But I actually really like baby-sitting, so I don't mind spending my Saturdays with kids."

"That sounds cool," Carlos said. "I'm not sure how I'd do in a club; might be a little overwhelming to the senses. But it sounds fun."

He went to the sink and washed his hands. "You're good with kids," he offered. "You'll make a good daddy someday if that's what you want."

James nodded. "Yeah, it probably would be. And thanks." He looked down and smiled. "It's a bit early to think about kids but yeah, I think I'd like some someday."

"I'm sure you'll have no problem finding a willing girl to have them with," said Carlos, drying.

James tapped his fingers on the counter, then leaned against it. "So… are you gonna go back to your room now or whatever? Or do you wanna… I don't know. Watch a movie, listen to music… something?"

He was silent for another moment, then added. "Hey, by the way… I'm really not mad at you for getting Marius. You're great – you deserve it. I was just upset because I didn't get what I wanted."

"That makes me feel better, to be honest," Carlos said. He tossed the paper towel and turned to face James. "I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted, and honestly, what you deserved. You'd be brilliant. But I appreciate you saying that because I don't want to feel bad about being in the play, and it would be cool to have you there."

James smiled, then nodded. "I will be there. I mean, there's always the chance of someone getting sick and needing a replacement, and if someone does, no one will keep me from taking over whatever part it is. Hell, if whoever plays Cosette is gonna break a leg, I'm going to take over _that_ role, if I have to."

Carlos smiled back. "If you wind up playing Cosette, that could be interesting. I'm sure you make a pretty girl though, so I won't worry."

"Well," James said, thinking. "I could definitely pull off the outfit; I just think the voice would probably give me away. Not to mention that I'm quite a bit taller than you, so…"

Carlos snorted. "Yeah, it might look a little odd – and I know, it's kind of hell being short, but to the right guy, I guess it won't be an obstacle."

He slid his hands in his pockets. "We could watch a movie if you want – that would be cool. I'm used to being alone here, so if I seem a little awkward, that's why. And also because I am, you know, awkward."

James took a breath, then smiled a little. "Okay, sure. And I don't think you're that awkward."

He followed Carlos into the living room. "What do you wanna watch? Any preference or specific genre you feel like?"

"Thanks. I try to not be, but sometimes it's unavoidable," Carlos said, waving at the shelves of DVDs. "I don't really have a preference for what to listen to – it's up to you. I'm easy."

He paused. "Kind of."

James snorted and looked at the DVDs, pondering. "Yeah, but… is there any actor's voice you can't stand, or…"

He paused, then shook his head and picked a relatively quiet movie, thinking that too much action might be annoying for Carlos. He popped it in, then sat down on the couch beside Carlos, looking over at him. 

Carlos settled in, having no idea what would come over the surround sound and not really caring.

Under other circumstances, a cute guy watching a movie with him would be a cause for celebration, but with James, he was comfortable, despite the slightly rocky start. There was no way he was interested, so Carlos didn't have to worry.

James finally looked at the screen and watched the movie; it was a romantic comedy he'd been meaning to see but had never had a chance to. Maybe picking a romantic movie was a bad idea. But it would be even weirder if he suddenly changed his mind and put in a different movie, so he leaned back and watched. 

Occasionally, he looked over at Carlos; then he actually closed his eyes and tried to imagine what watching this movie was like for Carlos. 

Carlos wasn't all that surprised that it was a rom-com; that seemed to be something James would like. He didn't judge, personally, cause he liked everything. He knew voices, knew who was starring – he liked pop culture, lived on IMDB and AintItCoolNews online, and so just sat back and listened, following the story that way.

"It's weird, isn't it?" He didn't turn his head – he just had this odd feeling that James was trying to walk a mile in his sneakers. "For you, just trying to listen and figure out what's going on."

"It is, yeah," James said, blushing a little when he realised Carlos knew what he was doing. "Or maybe not. Like, I know what the actors look like and what room they're in at the moment, so I can sort of picture it."

He opened his eyes and looked at the screen, then snorted. "Okay, no, I was wrong; they aren't doing what I thought they were doing at all."

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes again; he kind of liked this.

"Try listening to porn sometime," Carlos advised. "Tons of panting and moaning, and sometimes noises that even I can't identify. Did you know they make porn specially for the blind? _Lots_ of noise and descriptiveness."

He looked over at James. "See, you at least know what should be going on, and can picture the actors and stuff."

James' eyes snapped open and widened. He looked at Carlos. "Really? I didn't know that. So there's like, lots of dirty talk and stuff? Huh."

He watched Carlos, then nodded. "True. They're not that pretty, though, so you're not missing too much."

He smiled a little, now looking at Carlos rather than the screen.

"Uh huh, lots of moaning and sighing and yelping and fuck knows what else, and lots of dirty talk, like, "I'm gonna do this and this to you," type of stuff. Pretty considerate actually. Thank God for all the perverts at the Institute who spent their time finding that treasure trove."

He smiled and stretched his legs out on the coffee table, and then looked over at James. "I was gonna offer you a beer, then realized you're supposed to be responsible." 

James laughed. "Yeah… I never drink on the job, sorry," he said with a smile. He bit his lip, then added, "But maybe we can hang out some other time when I'm not supposed to be watching the kids, and then we can have a beer?"

He wondered if it was him or if his voice actually sounded a little hopeful.

"Nah, it probably wouldn't be a great idea for my parents to come home to beer bottles, no. But sure, I'd be up for that," he added, then tilted his head.

"Okay, just… who just cheated on who? I know someone just got screwed over," he said. "Is it the party girl who has the perpetual penicillin prescription or the soccer mom who thinks she's not a soccer mom?"

James smiled a little, then blinked at Carlos' question, needing a moment to get back into the movie. "Um… the party girl, I think. No wait, she's the one he's doing the cheating _with_ , so it's gotta be the mom."

Carlos grinned. "Can't trust those kind of girls. Hell, I've never dated one, but I know this. Well… back when I dated girls. The chances of me dating one now are considerably less than they used to be, so I'm thinking I don't need to worry too much. But poor mom. It's always the ones in the bad jeans."

He sighed. "Damn. Better luck with the next husband, is what I say."

James looked at him and raised a brow, completely oblivious. "Why aren't you going to date another girl? Bad break-up?" he asked, and found that he was oddly curious.

Carlos sighed inwardly; maybe pretty people really weren't as bright, or maybe he was just not being forthright. And not that it mattered cause James was straight, so…

"Not really," he said, taking a swig of his Coke, draining it and tapping the bottom to get it all. "Well, not for me. The girl in question was a little pissed off that I was more into her brother than her, but she eventually got over it. Too bad the brother didn't, but hey, it was a long shot by any standards. Try and try again, right?"

James' eyes widened. "Oh. Oh, okay," he said, surprised. Well. _That_ was brand-new information. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe he'd just missed the clues. He looked at Carlos thoughtfully. "That's cool. I mean, not that she was pissed and that he wasn't interested, but… yeah."

James didn't like being caught off guard; he always needed a tiny bit longer to process stuff and figure out what to say, and he hadn't expected this, so he wasn't prepared. 

He cleared his throat and looked back at the screen.

Carlos sensed James' discomfort and decided to shut up cause the topic was apparently not a good one to bring up with a new person. Or anyone, maybe; he was fine with being who he was, and his friends had been okay with it at the other school, but maybe this was all different.

The throat-clearing sealed it and Carlos swallowed and leaned his head back, closing his eyes and listening. Even without sight, closing his eyes seemed more restful.

After a while, James found himself glancing over at Carlos again; it was kind of nice to be able to look at him without fear of being discovered. Although Carlos always seemed to sense when he was looking at him, even better than someone who wasn't blind, so that wasn't good. 

James still kept looking at him for a long moment, _really_ looking at him. After a while, he licked his lips and then forced himself to look back at the tv, an odd feeling in his stomach. 

Carlos was aware that James was looking at him, but realized it was most likely pitying, or curious, not friendly, really. So he just kept his eyes closed, listening, and in a little while, he opened his eyes. 

"Parents," he said, sitting up. "In the driveway in 3, 2, 1… and there they are."

The garage door opening could be heard, and Carlos rubbed his face. "Your sentence is commuted, James. Thank the governor."

James didn't hear anything, but he trusted Carlos, knowing he was most likely right. He looked at him and frowned. "What do you mean?" he asked cluelessly.

Carlos shook his head. "I was a little TMI, I guess, and it freaked you out, so that you really had nothing else to say to me, so you're probably glad the night is over. They're usually really good about being on time, by the way, the parents, so you don't have to worry you'll be here all night or anything."

He stood up as Sydney headed into the kitchen for petting, and the door opened and shut.

"I'm not freaked out," James said, sounding surprised. "I'm not freaked out at all, and I wouldn't mind staying a little longer. Why would you think I'm freaked out? I'm… okay, so I didn't really know what to say to that, but I didn't mean to make you think I'm not okay with you being into guys, I just… I really don't have a problem with it, Carlos. And I had a great time here, with you."

He blushed a little, then cleared his throat and stood up, smiling when the parents came in. "Hi, did you have a good time?"

Danny and Sylvia came in, looking flushed and happy and just by the tone of their voices, he could tell they'd had a good time together. They still really loved each other after five kids, which seemed kind of miraculous.

"We did, we did," said Sylvia with a smile, and looked between the two boys. "Do you two know each other or… oh! Carlos goes to your school now, right James? I'm sorry, I should have…"

"No worries, Mom – I checked in on the kids and James was entertaining them so we said hey."

"Did it go all right? The boys can be a handful," said Danny, sliding off his coat, then pausing. "James, do you need a ride home?" 

"Yes, we met at school the other week, and we have drama club together, so…" James smiled a little. "Yeah, it went great. Joey hurt his knee but it's just a scratch, and he was fine after a few minutes, and… they all went to bed on time and there was no whining. It went great; they're amazing kids."

He smiled, then shook his head. "No, thank you, I'll just walk. It's not that far away, really."

"Did he? That child needs to be bubble-wrapped," sighed Sylvia, then gave James a grateful smile. "Good, I'm really glad they were okay for you. And are you sure you don't need a ride?"

Carlos leaned against the counter, and gave James a little smile. "Sure you'll be safe walking home? I'd drive you, but it could be a bad scene if I did."

James looked at Carlos and grinned. "Yeah, better not," he said softly, then shook his head. "It's really just a couple of blocks; if I run, I'll be home in less than five minutes. I don't want to inconvenience you."

Carlos felt the smile and returned it. "Okay, if you're sure, cause Dad would take you in a moment. Maybe you…"

He was going to ask if James would text so he'd know, but that seemed a little presumptuous, so he just nodded. "Be safe. I guess I'll see you at school, right?"

"Yeah…," James said softly, kind of unsatisfied with the way this was ending, and he didn't know why. After a moment, he added,"If I had your number, I could call to let you know I got home okay… you know, just so you wouldn't worry. Not that you would, but…"

Carlos felt a little unsettled too, because he was realizing that he had told James about himself for a reason, and that reason was… yeah. He looked up and smiled. "Yeah, sure if you want to – it'd be good to know you're home alright."

He gave James his number, then gave him his phone so James could put his number in his as well, then took his phone back. Sylvia looked between them, and then paid James for the night, while Danny went to look in on the kids.

James smiled. "Thanks," he said, both for Carlos' number and the money. He was a cheap babysitter, because, again, he didn't need the money and mostly just did this to have fun and something to do on quiet nights. 

He took a breath. "Right, I'm off then. Call me anytime you want to go out again, all right?" he said to Sylvia, giving her a smile. Then he looked over at Carlos. "Night, Carlos. I'll call you as soon as I get home."

"You better," said Carlos, walking him to the door. "You already know I worry."

Then James left, feeling an inexplicable smile tugging on the corners of his mouth when he made his way back home, literally skipping a little. 

He was losing his mind. 

He got home five minutes later and didn't have to be quiet cause no one was home. His mom was on a business trip again. He made his way into his room, quickly brushed his teeth and took off his clothes, and got into bed before he dialed Carlos' number. 

After James had left, Carlos talked to the parents for a few minutes before he and Sydney headed upstairs. In his bathroom, he washed his face and brushed his teeth before getting naked and into bed. He figured if anyone caught him naked, he didn't have to look at their expressions.

He tried to always hit the bright side of being blind – to be fair, it wasn't like he knew a different life. Though he did wish he could see James; really see him. And he was the first person he'd ever really wished that for.

His phone went off and he reached under his covers for it. "It's James Diamond, mon," said his phone in a very heavy Jamaican accent. "Pick it up!"

He loved his phone.

"Hey," he said, pulling up the covers. "Either you're home or the police are letting you make your one phone call."

James laughed. "No, I did manage not to get arrested on my way here," he said, smiling. "Hey. I got home all right, as you can see. I did not get attacked by real life ninjas, so that's great."

He pulled the sheets up to his shoulders.

"Good to know; I thought about the wandering bands of ninjas after you were gone, but figured you'd learned enough from the masters tonight to fend off most attacks."

"I did; I was very well prepared."

"Well, that was the whole point of advanced training ops," said Carlos. He smiled and got comfortable. "So."

James smiled, then was silent for a moment and slid down under the covers. "So."

"I had a great time tonight," he added after a moment, then groaned inwardly cause it sounded like they'd had a date or something.

Carlos found his smile widening at the comment. "I'm glad you did – so did I. And again, thanks for being okay with the play casting – that's a load off my mind."

He nibbled his lip.

"Of course I am," James said softly. "You're really good, Carlos, and you deserve this. I'm sure you'll be great. And… I guess the others deserve it too. As much as I hate not getting the part I wanted, I do have to admit that."

"Thanks – I did prepare a lot for this, so I guess it paid off. Or maybe they just wanna see what happens. Someone asked me if they need to write a dog into my scenes and I was like "No, I'm good." Syd might be born for the stage, but she can get her own show on Animal Planet, like "Walking with Idiots" or something. I'll be fine."

James laughed. "She does seem more like a solo artist, yeah."

Carlos snorted. "Definitely. A little bit of a diva too."

He paused. "Uhm, I didn't really get a chance to say anything else, but… I hope I really didn't freak you out. I've been here wondering why I said anything, cause it's not like it came up in conversation and I normally don't just say, "Hey, guess what, I like guys," to random people. So… not entirely sure where I was going with that, but anyway."

James shook his head. "No – it's fine. I'm glad you told me. I mean, there doesn't have to be a reason; maybe you just felt like telling someone. And that's okay. You can, you know, tell me stuff. If you want to. I don't mind. And I really wasn't freaked out, I promise."

Carlos let out a breath. "Okay, well, I'm glad to hear that, cause like I said, I'm not sure why I said it. Something for me to figure out, I guess. I… God, this sounds weird, but do you want to be, or are we, uhm, friends? I'd like to be, but it's okay if you just… if it's casual. And I have no idea what I'm saying, really. No one has ever thrown me off-balance before like you do."

James smiled. "I tend to have that effect on people," he laughed, then added softly, "Yeah. Sure, we're friends. If you want to be."

He smiled, surprisingly happy about that decision.

"Do you? I just tend to make people uncomfortable, so you're way ahead of me. And yeah, I would like to be. And don't worry – m'not gonna jump you or anything. First, you could move away faster and dump me on the floor and run, and second, I wouldn't do that to a friend."

James laughed. "I wouldn't dump you on the floor, dude."

"Nah, I'd probably fall of my own accord."

Carlos paused. "So tomorrow afternoon – I don't know if you'd be at all interested but on Sundays, my family does this like, family time day, and tomorrow afternoon it's card and board games, my mom cooks, sometimes relatives come by and it's kind of chaotic, but fun. I didn't know if you might wanna come over. You have not lived till you've seen a seven year old clean out his uncles in a game of Texas Hold'Em. I swear Alle is a savant and will run Vegas someday."

James smiled, surprised. "Really? You'd want me to come? I don't wanna intrude or anything when you're having family time but… that does sound like fun, so if you and your family don't mind having me there… I'd love to."

It sounded much better than being alone at home all day.

"You're not intruding," Carlos said. "I asked, and the kids love you, the parents like you, I like you… it's all good."

He sat up. "Joey just fell out of bed again, just a sec."

Carlos got up, went in, picked Joey – who was still sleeping, of course – up and put him back into bed, pushing the bed rail in tight again.

In his room, he picked up the phone. "He falls out of bed every night, I swear. Never even wakes up. I should just leave him there, but it seems mean. So yeah, tomorrow around 2-ish?"

James raised his brows. "He falls out of bed every night and doesn't even notice? Wow. And okay, I'd love to come, and if no one minds… I'll be there. Two sounds good."

He smiled, suddenly excited about tomorrow.

"Yep. No one knows why, and he never remembers it. He should just sleep on the floor, avoid the falling – it's probably rattling his brain or something. But okay, cool. See you then. Smell you then, rather."

Carlos smiled. "Have a good night, James."

"All right. Night, Carlos. Sleep well, all right?"

"I will, thanks. See you later."

James listened for another moment, then hung up. He looked at his phone for a moment, then set it down, pulled the covers around himself and closed his eyes, falling asleep with a smile on his lips.

In the other house, Carlos got down under his own covers and pulled them up, closing his eyes; his phone beside him. He wasn't sure what he was doing, but it would all work out. 

Whatever _it_ was.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, James was in a bit of a dilemma. He had a ton of clothes and wasn't sure what to wear to Carlos' game day. It probably didn't even matter, but he didn't want to appear too casual, wanting to make a good impression, but he also didn't want to feel overdressed for the rest of the day. After standing in front of his closet for much too long, he finally decided that jeans and a button-down shirt would do. After showering and getting dressed, he made his way back to Carlos' house, remembering the way. 

Outside, he took a deep breath and rang the doorbell, wondering why he was so nervous about this when he was only going to spend a day playing board games with his new friend and his family. 

Ben opened the door, chewing on an apple. "Hola James," he said cheerfully. "Los said you were comin' today."

He swung the door open wide. "If you're gonna play poker with Alle, bring a check," he said, letting James in. "He'll clean you out."

"Told you so," said Carlos, coming down the stairs; he was in a white tank top and jeans, bare feet. "His legend is, well, legend. Hey dude."

He smiled at James. "Glad you could make it."

James smiled back. "Hi! Of course I came, I told you I would. I wouldn't change my plans last minute."

"Well, still."

Sydney pushed between them and rubbed her face on James' leg. "She really likes you," said Carlos, rubbing her nose. "I mean, she likes most people but she seems to have thing for you. Apparently, your effect extends to the canine world too."

James looked down. "And I like her," he said, kneeling down to play with Sydney, laughing when she licked his cheek.

Sylvia came out then, wiping her hands and smiled at James. "Hi! Just couldn't get enough last night, huh?"

Carlos snorted to himself over how that sounded, but his mum was oblivious. "We're having a make your own sandwich bar, pasta salad, regular salad, chips, pickles, brownies, all the good stuff. Help yourself."

He looked up at Sylvia and stood up, smiling. "No, I couldn't, actually. I had a great time last night, so I thought I'd come back."

She smiled at James, then looked around. "Where's Joey? I heard a thump."

"See? It's like his trademark. And thanks Mom – need me to do anything?"

"Yes, actually, can you bring in some sodas from the garage? Put them on the bottom shelf of the fridge, okay?"

"Sure. Your wish is my command." He smiled for her and she smooched his forehead as she went by, searching for a seven year old.

James let go of Sydney and stood up. "Want me to help you with that?" he asked. "I find it amazing that you do so much around here."

"I wouldn't say no to help – there's like two 24 packs out there and you have big muscles, so sure." 

Carlos started towards the kitchen. "Get out from under my feet, Syd. My parents," he said to James who he knew was beside him, "never treated me differently. I have chores, I have responsibilities. They had to learn how to teach me things in a different way, but I still do laundry, fold clothes, bring in groceries, help cook – baking mostly – set the table, stuff like that. Although my being on my own will be a little more challenging, they want me to know how to do everything I need to on my own."

James smiled when Carlos mentioned his muscles; he'd noticed them then when he'd touched him the night before. Something about that made him oddly happy. 

He walked with Carlos, listening curiously. "I think that's great," he said. "And you make it all look so easy, honestly. I think if I were in your place, I'd be terribly clumsy and people wouldn't let me do things because I'd fuck everything up."

"Well, I've had sixteen, almost seventeen years to get used to it now," said Carlos, stepping down to the garage floor. "I'm not always exactly graceful – you just haven't seen me wipe out spectacularly yet. All those bandaids you see around? Are not just for Joe. The sad thing is he falls more as a sighted kid than I do as a blind one, but we both wind up with lots of bumps and bruises."

He bent to grab one of the cases of soda, showing that he had muscles too, and lifted, leaving the other one for James.

James did notice the muscles and blinked when he realised he was staring; then he bent down and picked up the other box easily. "Well, I've been around you quite a lot, considering we've only met like, a few weeks ago, and I haven't seen you do anything clumsy yet, so… as far as I'm concerned, you're very graceful."

"This is kind of true," admitted Carlos and led the way back into the kitchen. "Where's a clear space to set this down? That, I can't tell."

Danny took the case and set it on the counter, and Carlos sighed. "I could handle it Dad, I just needed a spot. But thanks."

He sniffed. "Everything smells good – olives?"

"A huge jar for you, son. We know."

Danny smiled and patted James' shoulder. "Dig in, seriously – Sylvia makes enough food for ten families. Poker in 20, Los – bring your A game."

"Oh, I will. Alle is going down."

"Pffft, you wish." The Alle in question was snitching some chips. " _You_ will go down. Again. Hi James! You got any money?"

James eyed him. "Why? Are you broke or is that your way of threatening me cause you think you're gonna have it all by the end of the day?"

Alle raised a brow back. "No, I'm flush with cash. I was just asking to see if you thought you had enough to buy into the pot."

Carlos groaned. "This is not a poker tournament, dude."

"Says you. You're broke, so I dunno what you're gonna do. Borrow from Papi, maybe."

He skipped off and Carlos sighed. "That's your son, Dad."

"That's your brother, son. Who taught him to play in the first place, hmmm?"

"Me?"

"That's right." Danny squeezed his shoulder. "Papi, by the way, is tapped out, so good luck with that."

He wandered out with his sandwich.

James watched and grinned, shaking his head. "I suck at poker," he admitted. "I mean, I really suck. Do you wanna team up, maybe? You play, I pay?"

He laughed, leaning against the counter. "Hey… remember when you mentioned that beer last night? I'd take one now, if your parents don't mind."

Carlos laughed. "I'm pretty good, so that may be the way to go; you can shadow, see what I'm doing. Alle just thinks he's invincible these days… but don't put up your money, dude. The kid's already funded college and is halfway through grad school right now."

He smiled. "And it's all my fault, Dad's right. And definitely, a beer would be great. In the fridge."

James smiled and moved over to the fridge, grabbing two beers and opening them. He held one of them out to Carlos, shivering when their fingers brushed. Then he took a sip, smiling. "Well, he's obviously got a talent there then."

He took another sip, watching Carlos.

"I guess there are worse things he could be doing than running an illegal gambling ring in second grade."

Carlos took a swig of beer – he could drink a lot, actually – and then rolled his eyes when a voice at his elbow said "How come you get beer?"

"Because the parents let me have a few at home."

"Just cause you're older? That's not fair." Ben sighed and Carlos shrugged. "Six years kiddo and this will be you."

"Except better-looking, but sure, if you say so." Ben grinned and got a Coke out of the fridge before sauntering off, while Carlos shook his head and then yelled "REALLY?" after him.

James snorted as he watched him leave, and nudged Carlos. "Don't worry, you're totally better-looking."

He paused and wondered _why_ he'd said that. He also suddenly realized that he was standing pretty close to Carlos, and swallowed hard. 

Carlos flushed. "Is that so? I'll have to take your word for it, cause I've got nothing to go on. Apparently I look a lot like my Dad, so I have to go on that."

James _was_ close; his scent was all Carlos could sense, and in their kitchen, that was saying something. 

"You do, actually. I mean, younger, of course, but you do look alike," James murmured, not wanting to step away suddenly and make Carlos think he was uncomfortable. He wasn't, just… feeling odd. 

"I hear Dad is pretty good-looking so I'm glad to hear that." Carlos licked his lips. "Are you hungry? Load up if you are."

James looked down at him and was grateful to have a reason to bring some distance between them. "I am a little. I'll go have a look."

He let out a breath when he stepped away and moved over to the sandwich bar, an started making one, while Carlos sipped his beer and waited for him – he wasn't hungry yet. As soon as James was done, the poker game was starting, and he followed Carlos to the table, sitting down beside him, so he could look at his cards.

Danny dealt, and Alle and Ben were there was well, and Papi, Danny's father, a white-haired version of Carlos who greeted James warmly and then eyed his grandson.

"Braille cards?"

"Unless you don't want me to play. You scared?"

Carlos grinned as he felt for, and scooped up his cards, expertly reading them; to the naked eye, they looked normal, but the tiny bumps and dots allowed Carlos to know what he had in his hand.

His grandfather laughed. "Of you and Alle? Yes, but I won $50 on a scratch off this morning and I'm feeling lucky."

Carlos checked his hand and felt James close to him – he was warm, the heat rolling off him – and he settled into his chair, near that heat.

James watched Carlos' fingers as they brushed the cards. Curious, he reached forward and felt them too; he felt the tiny bumps as well but couldn't imagine being able to read them. They all felt the same to him. 

He leaned forward and studied Carlos' cards then, making sure not to let anyone know whether they had good or bad ones – the only thing about poker he _was_ good at, was the poker _face_. He felt Carlos' heat as well and stayed close to him as he ate his sandwich and drank his beer.

"Cool, huh?" Carlos asked. "And you're thinking, "this makes no freaking sense to me," aren't you?"

He smiled in James' direction and sipped his beer. "Ben, don't even think about it," he said absently, and Ben pulled his hand back.

"How do you _do_ that?" he complained. "Your eyes are just for show."

"As far as you know," countered Carlos, and smiled sweetly at him, then listened to Alle trash talk them all – he was actually kind of proud of him.

James chuckled. "I am, yes. But as long as it makes sense to you, it's all good. We have amazing cards, though, don't we?" 

Carlos nodded – he had an excellent poker face. They had semi-all right cards, but the others couldn't know that. 

James smiled at Carlos, then finished his sandwich and beer while the others played. "Do you want another one?" he asked after a moment, and Carlos handed him his empty bottle of Molson, plotting.

It was down to Carlos, Danny and Alle when James got back, and the rest were watching. "Oh, Al," sighed Carlos. "I really hate for the young to experience such disappointment."

"I hate it when old people lose, but that don't stop me from crushing you like a bug." He grinned. "Aces high."

"Oooh. Four nines."

"No way!"

"Way. Gimme." Carlos scooped the pot towards him and leaned back, while Alle scowled. "I let you win."

"You let me nothing. Try again, baby bro."

James watched the end of the game and grinned, sitting down beside Carlos again. "We won? Excellent!"

He handed Carlos the beer and took a sip off his own. Carlos' smile was amazing and James couldn't help but smile with him.

The "we" made Carlos smile. "Yeah, we won, and Alle is mad, so expect revenge."

Indeed, his little brother was scheming and plotting, while Papi laughed at him and Sylvia took Danny's place. Joey, who had no interest in poker, was drawing at the coffee table and waiting for The Simpson's "Clue."

A new hand was dealt, and Alle was out for blood.

James watched the games and Carlos alternately and after a while, felt the alcohol begin to work. He was a little tipsy. This was nice; he was having fun, even though he wasn't actually playing himself. Poker finally gave way to Clue and Trivial Pursuit, and both Carlos and James had more than a couple of beers, but no one seemed to care. Neither of them was drunk; just cheerful.

Carlos was good at Trivial Pursuit, his mother better and he finally lost to her and had to grin. "You prevailed… today."

"I know, but you almost had me. One more pop culture and I would have been sunk."

Carlos stood up. "Luck of the draw, huh?"

He kissed her cheek. "Maybe you just rock."

He turned to James. "More games or do you wanna maybe just go listen to music for a while, hang out?"

James had had no chance of winning; Carlos was so much better than him. Smarter. Obviously – who wasn't? But James didn't mind; there were a few questions he could answer and he enjoyed seeing Carlos win. Or almost. His mother was just the slightest bit better. 

At Carlos' question, he smiled. "Listening to music sounds good. This is fun, but we've been at it for hours and I'm kind of exhausted, so… let's go hang out."

"We can be a little much," agreed Sylvia, and smiled at him. "You two go up and relax. Take more food, I mean it."

Carlos grinned. "Mom, we've eaten a ton of food already, but if we get hungry at all, we'll be back, okay?"

Sydney, who'd eaten a ham sandwich all by herself, followed and padded up the stairs beside Carlos, bumping him with her nose at the top to tell him to step to the left, around a stray sneaker, and then to the left again cause a bat was in the hall. Finally, she nudged him into his room and licked his hand before going over to her bed.

"Smart girl – even stuffed to the gills, you've got my back, baby."

Carlos sat down on his bed, then flopped back. "Okay, I'm full, kind of buzzy and just, yeah."

James watched Sydney; he found it extremely fascinating how she guided Carlos. He followed Carlos to the bed and sat down next to him, then leaned back as well, much more comfortable around Carlos now than he had been last night. 

"Yeah, so am I," he said, drinking some more beer; his fourth bottle was almost empty and now he was definitely tipsy. "So… what kind of music do you listen to? Put something on?"

Carlos stretched. "I listen to a lot of weird things – my CD collection is pretty spread out all over the place. How about some… well, Black Veil Brides might be a tad hardcore, so… Foo Fighters? Fall Out Boy? Coldplay?"

"I like all of them," James said. "But I think it's a Coldplay kinda day."

"I agree," said Carlos from his prone position. "Sing to me of abstract stuff, Chris Martin."

James smiled, looked up, spotted the CDs, grabbed Coldplay and put it into the stereo. Then he grabbed the remote and started it, and finally flopped back down on the bed with Carlos, a little closer than before. He closed his eyes and listened, sighing happily.

Carlos felt James next to him, close, and took a breath. He was _so_ close, and James smelled so good and was so warm and just… damn.

James drank the final sip of his beer and leaned over Carlos to set the bottle down. When he wanted to move back, he lost his balance and landed half on top of Carlos, only just managing to hold himself up with both hands. "Whoops," he chuckled, his breath warm on Carlos' face. "Maybe that last beer was a bit too much."

"Maybe," agreed Carlos, who, to his credit, hadn't startled too much when James nearly fell on him, and was now pinned and James was right there, and…

Hadn't he promised to not jump him? He thought he had.

He lay there, and then reached up to put his hand on James' shoulder, feeling his heat bathe his finger immediately.

James looked down at Carlos, his smile slowly fading as he found himself glancing at Carlos' long lashes and full lips. He licked his own lips unconsciously, then glanced over at Carlos' hand when he touched his shoulder. Then he looked back at Carlos and his heart skipped a beat. He hesitated for a second but then leaned in and brushed his lips over Carlos', his own eyes fluttering closed.

Carlos wished he could actually _see_ James' face, see his eyes, understand exactly what he might be thinking, but instead, he had to just trust whatever James did. If he did anything, which he wouldn't, because…

And then James kissed him.

He kissed him. On his bed. On purpose.

Carlos closed his eyes and the hand on the other boy's shoulder moved to the side of his neck as Carlos kissed him back.

James closed his eyes; Carlos was warm and smelled so good, and his lips were soft and pliant beneath his own. James tilted his head as he kissed him more fully, gently sliding his lips over Carlos', his heart beating fast in his chest.

Carlos concentrated on kissing James back, feeling the kiss deepen, and relaxing under his weight, finally pulling James down on top of him and not breaking the kiss.

James deepened the kiss slowly, brushing his tongue over Carlos' bottom lip before sliding it into his mouth and making a soft"mmmh" sound in his throat when their tongues brushed. Their chests pressed together, he could feel Carlos' heartbeat against his own.

Carlos was half-waiting for James to pull away, but he didn't and when he slid his tongue into his mouth? Well then.

It was on.

He wrapped both arms around James and kissed him back wholeheartedly, exploring his mouth with his tongue.

James' stomach fluttered and he slid his hands down Carlos' side, stroking his sides gently as he slid his tongue along Carlos' teasingly. The kiss was slow, sensual and wet and James couldn't imagine anything he'd rather be doing right now. 

He was aware of what he was doing, even though he currently couldn't quite process what it meant to him. But he knew he was kissing Carlos and knew he was enjoying it and that he wasn't going to stop anything soon. He could worry about the rest some other time. 

Carlos' hand found its way into James' hair, tugging lightly and smoothing it around his fingers and kept kissing James – it didn't even feel like he needed air, and James was definitely the best kisser he had ever run into – literally or not. Even his weight on him felt just right.

James finally drew back a little and brushed soft kisses over Carlos' lips and the corner of his mouth. He sucked on Carlos' bottom lip lightly, then nibbled on it before pressing their lips together again, letting the kiss grow deeper. He made a soft sound in his throat; he could imagine staying here like this forever.

Carlos couldn't help moaning at the teasing little kisses, followed by another amazing one. No wonder Diamond had so many offers in the halls. 

Carlos finally had to move, tugging James with him till they were entirely stretched out on his bed and he could pull James against him, initiating another kiss, this one peppered with small, light bites.

Carlos loved kissing; it was one place where everything was equal, everything was just right, felt hot and shivery for both of them. His blindness didn't matter, cause kissing wasn't about seeing. It was about being.

James stroked Carlos' side, smiling a little against his lips. He reached up and cupped his cheeks; he couldn't seem to get enough of Carlos. Carlos' hand was on James' hip, squeezing lightly, then moved to his waist, still atop his shirt as the kiss deepened again, moving so slowly, so lingeringly, as though they had nothing but time.

It must've been about an hour later when the music suddenly stopped when the CD came to an end. James ignored it for a moment, but since he needed to breathe anyway, he drew back. He reached for the remote control and restarted the CD.

Carlos was trying to breathe and shifted a little, listening to the click of the remote control and then "Talk" start again. This was forever going to be stuck in his mind as the one song that made him realize totally and completely that guys were it for him. 

The CD restarted, James turned back to Carlos and watched him for a long moment. He traced his cheekbones and chin with a finger, then his nose, looking down at Carlos' smiling face. 

He leaned forward and kissed his closed eyelids, then finally kissed his lips again; slowly and gently. Carlos movedhis hands so he could touch James' face as he kissed him, wanting to see as much as he could.

James actually kind of loved Carlos' gentle fingers on his face and wondered how Carlos pictured him. Or if he pictured him at all. Carlos could probably tell what a face looked like, sort of, but… not really, could he? 

He stopped thinking about this and just focused on the kiss and gentle touching then, hoping Carlos could feel how much he was enjoying this.

James didn't make him stop, so Carlos let himself learn James' features, then stroke his hair again – he had a lot of hair, felt like – and finally moved his hands down to his shoulders again, biceps, still kissing him the whole time. He could multitask like that.

He did love how James felt though – he had a picture in his mind, and though he had no idea how close it was to reality, it was beautiful to him.

Either they or the room was growing really, really warm and Carlos felt his shirt sticking to him when they finally pulled apart again.

James let out a breath, pressing his forehead against Carlos' and rubbing their noses together. His own shirt was clinging to his back as well, and when he opened his eyes briefly, he realised that the sun must've set at some point cause it was pretty dark in the room. 

He swallowed and looked down at Carlos, brushing his fingers over his cheek and jaw and pressing another light kiss to his lips. 

"I should probably go home soon," he whispered after a moment, the reluctance obvious in his voice, and the fact that he leaned in to kiss Carlos' lips and trail soft kisses along his jaw.

Carlos swallowed too, and licked his lips, which felt a little swollen. "I guess it's getting late, huh?"

He had no idea what time it was, but he smiled a little at the soft brush and the kisses along his jaw. James knew how to kiss, and his touch on him, minor though it had been, felt so amazing that Carlos had whimpered more than once… also a sound he'd never made before.

He finally sat up and rubbed the back of his head. "Wow. James, that was… dude."

James pushed himself up as well and let out a breath, rubbing the sweaty back of his neck. "Yeah," he murmured. "It was."

He let out another breath and grinned a little, then pulled his phone out of his pocket. "9 pm," he said, stunned. Had they really just made out for more or less four hours without noticing? Wow. 

He got off the bed and fanned himself with both hands because now that he wasn't glued to Carlos anymore, the heat wasn't as pleasant as it had been mere moments before. 

"Um… so I'll see you at school tomorrow," he said softly. "You don't have to come down with me to let me out, unless you want to, so…"

"Yeah, I guess," said Carlos just as softly – he was a little confused – or a lot confused – and wasn't sure what to think. He was pretty sure this didn't mean anything to James. This was… they'd had a lot of beer, actually, and this was just messing around.

Right?

Right.

"Uhm, I can walk you."

He got up and straightened himself up as much as he could, and licked his lips again, as Sydney got up. "No, it's okay baby, I can manage. You sleep."

He avoided the spots Sydney had pushed him away from before, and then made his way down the stairs with James, to the doorway at the bottom. "So, thanks for coming over – hope you had fun, and yeah, see you tomorrow, okay?"

James followed Carlos and hoped they wouldn't run into anyone cause he wasn't sure how he was going to explain to Carlos' parents that he'd basically snogged their son for the past four hours. Not that they had to know. It would be better if they didn't.

At the door, he looked at Carlos for a moment, then glanced into the house, wrapped an arm around Carlos and pulled him close, pressing him lightly against the door frame and kissing him again for a long moment. 

Carlos knew James was still close, from the heat and just the sheer James-ness of him, but still didn't expect the arm around him or the last kiss. He kissed back though, because he wasn't an idiot.

Then James drew back. "Yeah. See you tomorrow," he said softly. "Night, Carlos."

"Night, James," Carlos murmured when James stepped back and walked away, glancing over his shoulders a couple of times and smiling when he saw the dazed look on Carlos' face. He was sure his own smile looked pretty goofy as well.

Carlos closed the door after him and leaned against it. He had either just done the smartest or stupidest thing of his life, and the hell of it was, he couldn't even begin to decide which it was.

• • •

That night, James tossed and turned and couldn't seem to fall asleep. He wasn't even sure why. Kissing Carlos had felt amazing; they'd been at it for four hours, so obviously he'd enjoyed it immensely. He'd been hard almost the entire time and the moment he'd gotten home, he'd masturbated twice to the feel of Carlos' lips against his and his body beneath his. 

But now that all the alcohol was out of his system and Carlos wasn't right here with him anymore, he started thinking – and in James Diamond's case, that was never a good idea. Because as much as he liked Carlos, James wasn't technically into boys. And could he really go from dating a different girl pretty much every week to being in a serious relationship with Carlos? Because Carlos wasn't someone you had some fun with and then dropped; that much, he knew.

It had all seemed so easy when they'd been making out, but now that he was on his own, James wondered what he'd been thinking. He hadn't thought twice about kissing Carlos when they'd been in his room; he'd seen no reason to. But now he realised that he may have screwed up big time. 

He wasn't ready for a relationship; let alone a relationship with a boy, when he'd never thought about dating a boy before. Maybe it wasn't all that different than dating a girl, but it would still be a major change. And then… James felt terribly shallow for just thinking this ... but Carlos was blind. It wouldn't just be a relationship with a cute boy, but a relationship with someone who had this disability. And while Carlos' blindness didn't _really_ bother James anymore and Carlos mostly acted like a normal guy, it would still be, well, different. Too much change in one go. And so far, James hadn't managed to stay in a relationship for more than a few weeks, and he really didn't want to hurt Carlos. He'd come to care about him rather a lot in the last couple of days.

He sighed heavily, rolling onto his back and rubbing his face. Sleep obviously wasn't going to come tonight, and he was getting increasingly frustrated. 

Finally, he got out of bed, pulled on shorts and a t-shirt and went for a long run. Hopefully that would make him tired enough to shut his brain up.

 

Carlos wasn't having any more success sleeping than James was, though he didn't know it. He had fielded a couple of very casual questions from his parents, knowing they must know – his lips felt swollen and he was flushed, that much he was aware of – but he had just finally mumbled that he was tired and he was going to bed.

Upstairs, he lay there, and no matter, he couldn't get James out of his mind, or, as it turned out, off his body. He jerked off once, then thought he was okay, had gotten it out of his system, but it took another time of imagining James' lips on his body before he could even think straight.

James was straight. Yes, they'd kissed, but James hadn't tried to touch him, even though he'd been hard too. He hadn't tried to go any further than just touching his cheek and shoulders. It had been pure experimentation for him, Carlos knew. 

And he wasn't upset about that. He wasn't. What he was upset about, he realized, was that he wanted it to be more. He kind of wished James would ask him to be his boyfriend.

But that was unrealistic. They'd just met a few weeks ago, they barely knew each other, there was the whole straight thing, and let's face it – he had a disability, a serious one. It wasn't an issue for him – this was his life. But he couldn't expect a sighted person to understand what it was like for him, make those kind of accommodations. You just didn't.

You didn't.

Didn't mean you couldn't wish they would.

He lay there until the first rays of dawn were breaking in the far corners of the sky and Sydney crawled up with him on the bed, as she always did in the first light. He petted her and wished everything was as simple as this.

 

James managed to sleep for a couple of hours but it wasn't restful sleep; he felt like shit when he woke up the next morning. He showered, had breakfast and made his way to school, still not sure how to act around Carlos or what to say to him. 

On his way there, however, he felt that distancing himself a little from Carlos might be the way to go. And it wasn't as if he and Carlos hung out together at school. Before this weekend, they'd talked when they'd been around each other but not really sought out each other's company. Nothing had changed. 

Except everything. Because they'd kissed; and you couldn't just ignore something like that, could you?

He sighed and entered the school, making his way to his locker and going straight to his first class, wanting to avoid Carlos for as long as possible.

 

Kendall could tell that Carlos was a little off, a little subdued, and waited till the break between second and third period to ask him what was wrong.

Carlos shrugged. "Nothing, really, just tired. Couldn't sleep last night for some reason."

Kendall eyed him, and Carlos sighed. "What are you looking for, Kendall?"

"Secret clues; if I connect your freckles, there's a prize at the end. No, you just look a little troubled, and me being the good guy I am, am concerned."

"I have freckles?" This was news to Carlos. "Huh, what do ya know? But no, it's just… new school, the play, usual crap."

"Is the play too much? I know you're into the performing arts, but…"

"No, it's fine. I think it's just all the new kids and stuff."

_Like James Diamond._

He leaned against his locker. "Is Diamond around?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, somewhere. Probably touching up his mascara. Why? Do you miss his dulcet tones? I'm surprised he's back from sulking already."

Kendall switched his books to the other hand and rubbed Sydney's ears. "He fucking hates not getting his way, that boy. It makes him good on the ice, though – he gets fucking violent on the other team. Gets almost as many penalties as me."

Kendall smiled and pulled up Carlos' hands so he could feel his dimples, which made Carlos grin too. "You gonna come to our first game, right? Lots of noise, you can listen to us all call the other teams filthy names… fun stuff."

Carlos didn't protest too much before he said yes.

It was then that James realised he had to go back to his locker because he'd stupidly forgotten one of his books. He considered just not having his book during the next class – but then he realized that it was a class he and Carlos shared anyway, so it was clearly time to stop avoiding him. 

He still wasn't sure what to say to him, though. 

He walked to his locker, glancing around but he didn't see Carlos anywhere. Relieved, he looked for his book, then turned around – and there they were. Kendall and Carlos. He tried to sneak away but was stopped when Logan, who had just joined the other two, waved. "Hi James!"

To Kendall and Carlos, he added, "Wow, does he look slightly less perfect than he usually does today?"

"I have no idea," said Carlos dryly, and Kendall snorted. "He does look a little the worse for the wear, though. What's up, JD? Did Next Top Model end badly and make you cry yourself to sleep, huh?"

Carlos didn't say anything, cause really, what was there to say?

James gave Kendall a look and shook his head. "No, I just couldn't sleep. A lot on my mind."

Logan snorted, and after James gave him a glare, he glanced at Carlos. "Hey."

God, this was weird and awkward and James had never felt awkward in any situation before. This was just… too much for him to process, even though it should be really easy. Because even now, looking at Carlos, he wanted to go back to the previous night and kiss him again.

"Hey," said Carlos just as evenly, and for a moment, he was glad to be blind cause he didn't have to pretend he wasn't looking at him – he really wasn't.

Kendall looked between the two of them, and then at Logan. This was a little weird.

"So how's practice going, Los? I'm asking you, cause you've been there, while Prince Charming has been home," he coughed, " _sick_ , so…"

James sighed. "Yes, yes, I've been sick, and I'm sorry for missing practice. Won't happen again."

"Don't tell me, tell the Coach, dude. He's the one having the shit fit." Kendall raised a brow.

James shrugged and risked another glance at Carlos. He wasn't even looking at him, and while technically, he couldn't _actually_ look at anything, he usually did tend to look in his general direction when he talked to him. Which could only mean that Carlos was mad at him. 

James bit his lip and looked down, and was grateful when the bell rang before he had to pretend he had any idea what to say. He made his way into the class and flopped down in his seat, wishing life was as easy as it had been before Carlos had shown up here.

Carlos and Sydney entered the classroom, moving past him to the back of the room, Sydney giving him a brief nudge as she padded by.

Carlos got into his seat and mechanically started to set up his stuff, while Kendall watched him. "Seriously, Carlos, are you all right? You seem off. Don't wanna bug you, I'm just worried."

Carlos sighed. "Yeah, I just… I don't know. Tell you at lunch and you tell me if I'm just out of my fucking mind, okay?"

Kendall had not yet heard Carlos say "fucking" and it made him smile, like when Logan occasionally ranted and it slipped out. He was odd that way. "Okay, dude, we'll talk when you wanna, okay?"

Class started and Carlos leaned back, resting his hand on Sydney, always comforting.

James wasn't paying attention in class, which, okay, he often didn't, but usually, he still had a vague idea of what was being talked about. Today, he had none. He doodled for a while, then gave up on that and just stared at his book until his eyes drifted closed and he fell asleep. 

When he literally put his head on his desk, Logan noticed and raised a brow, nudging Kendall.

"Mr. Diamond, am I boring you that much?" The teacher's voice was sharper than it might have been for a better student, and he stood beside James' desk. "If you're that exhausted, maybe you better head home where snoring and drooling is acceptable."

Carlos lifted his head and looked in James' direction, while the ever-helpful Kendall interjected. "To be fair, Mr. Miller, James doesn't snore. I can't speak for the drooling, but…"

"Thank you, Mr. Knight." The teacher tapped James' shoulder. "James."

James flinched and sat up, looking around in confusion; then he jumped again when he realised the teacher was standing right next to him. "Oh. Uh. Fuck." He winced inwardly; "fuck" wasn't going to make anything better. "I'm sorry, I… must've… dozed off."

Still sleepy, he had no better excuse.

Miller raised a brow while the class snickered. "I'll let the f-bomb go as a startled reaction, but make your choice now. Either go to the nurse or stay awake, because next time, it will be detention."

James kind of wanted to leave but since he'd already missed three days of classes, it was probably better to suck it up and stay. "I'll stay awake," he murmured, then added, "Or I'll try," in a low voice when Miller had walked back to the front of the room; he was the most boring teacher they had.

Carlos, listening to this, sighed and rubbed his face.

"Do you have a comment, Mr. Garcia?" Miller was in fine form, and Carlos shook his head. 

"Not a one. Since I can't see the situation, I can't comment on it – that would just be ignorant, wouldn't it?"

For a moment, the teacher looked ashamed. "You make a valid point. My apologies. Have you any comment on the discussion?"

"No – I'm a little behind in the reading, sorry. Speed Braille wasn't my top subject at IFB, but I'll step it up for this fine institution."

Kendall raised a brow and almost laughed, but succeeded in just looking down instead. Snappy Carlos!

James turned a little when he heard Carlos' voice and then his sarcasm, which was pretty impressive. He smiled a little to himself, then rubbed his face again and sighed.

Class resumed and Carlos leaned back again, wishing he had something to distract himself with. He couldn't even go outside and do anything bad – the chance that he'd set the world, and possibly himself and the school – on fire was pretty high and he imagined that would not go over well with anyone. So much for vices.

He drummed his fingers on his thigh, trying to understand why this was affecting him so much.

Class was not over soon enough, and Kendall waited outside while Miller, in a fit of feeling bad, apologized again, to which Carlos replied that he expected people to be clueless about his situation. And that was all he said.

He was not in the mood. He was in A Mood, but not _the_ mood.

Sydney stopped by James to say hello, Carlos standing behind him. "Get a move on, Syd, James needs to get to lunch."

James smiled when Sydney said hi and petted her, then stroked her nose. He should start bringing treats for her maybe. He looked up at Carlos and wished he knew what to say. He wanted to tell Carlos that he wanted to talk – because he _did_ , sort of, but until he actually knew what was going on inside his head and, well, heart, he couldn't do anything. 

"Go ahead, Sydney," James said softly. "I'll see you later, all right?"

He rubbed her chin gently, then smiled as he watched her follow Carlos.

Carlos just stood there for a moment – James could say hello to the dog, and not to him?

Well then. He guessed he had all his answers right there and didn't have to lose any more sleep over it. He'd been a curiosity snog, nothing more or less. Okay. He could live with that. He'd have to, wouldn't he?

He moved past James without saying anything, while behind him, Kendall and Logan exchanged looks.

James looked after Carlos and opened his mouth, then sighed, wondering what Carlos wanted him to do. He'd said hi to him earlier and gotten a response, but Carlos had barely looked at him, and now he seemed pissed because he hadn't talked to him?

This was all too complicated. He ignored Kendall and Logan and got up as well and left the room, and had lunch with his friends, stifling a yawn every now and then. He was so tired, but if the fact that he couldn't seem to stop thinking about the Carlos situation was anything to go by, he wouldn't get much more sleep tonight. Ugh. 

His last class was uneventful and he went home as soon as it was over. Not bothering with homework or anything else, he went straight to bed and was relieved when he fell asleep right away.

 

Carlos forced himself to be conversational during lunch, though he didn't feel much like it, and he had a feeling Kendall could tell. When their table was emptied except for himself and the two other boys, he just said that James had babysat, they'd gotten along, thought they'd be okay as friends and then to be really brushed off today? Bothered him.

Kendall was busy doing things with straws that might qualify as modern art in some futuristic society, and when Carlos was done, he gave the structure to him to check out, and then looked at him. "So in amidst all this Diamond drama, who've you been making out with?"

"Huh?"

"Your lips, dude. And you have a hickey on your neck, right there," said Kendall, putting his finger on it. "Not huge, but yeah, there. And your bottom lip's all swollen like it's been bitten and sucked on. So unless an amorous vampire snuck into your room last night, you've been kissing. Who? I'm nosy."

Carlos flushed; he could feel it rising from his chest, all the way up his neck to his cheeks until they were burning.

Logan hadn't even noticed the hickey; Kendall was very observant. But that was to be expected; he tended to pay attention to details. He looked at Carlos, noticing the flush, and raised an eyebrow. 

Then his eyes widened and he leaned forward. "Was it James?" 

Carlos groaned. "Yes," he said and buried his red face in his hands. "It was and I… it just happened, you know? Out of nowhere. We'd had a few beers, he was over for Game Day yesterday and went up to my room to just chill and before I know it, we're making out. And it felt really, really _good_ and now today he's not even speaking to me? Sydney, yeah, but not me."

Kendall looked over at Logan, giving him the brow, and having an entire conversation with him in a matter of ten or fifteen seconds.

"Well, far as I know, James doesn't go around kissing boys, so you'd be his first, so he's probably confused about which team he's batting for these days – was it a pinch hit? A visiting team situation, or is he looking to switch entirely or…"

He stopped before he went on a truly irrelevant tangent, for which he was sure Carlos would be grateful; he could tell Logan was. 

"I get that," mumbled Carlos, and Kendall reached to gently tug his hands away from his face.

"Don't have your supersonic hearing, dude. So you get that?"

"I do. I just didn't expect to be ignored."

Kendall leaned back. "I'm searching for viable advice… meanwhile, may I present Logan, He Who Knows Everything? He must have something good to say."

He kicked Logan under the table and proceeded to think.

Logan gave Kendall a look and thought for a moment. "If you really are the first boy James has ever kissed – and I assume you are because I've never seen him with a guy before – he's obviously confused. Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't – I can't really tell what's going on in James' mind. Probably not much, to be honest, but…"

He took a breath and focused. "If he does like you, he's probably very confused. I know I would be, and I'm not as popular as James is. Apart from his personal confusion because he just kissed a boy he's only known for a little while and is probably trying to figure out how much he likes you, he's probably also worried about his reputation; what people will think when he suddenly goes from dating a different girl every week to dating a boy. He probably ignored you because he doesn't know what to say to you just yet or how to act around you because he hasn't decided whether he wants to pursue whatever he feels for you or just keep being friends. And he doesn't know how _you_ feel about the whole thing either, so maybe, as soon as you know, you should tell him. James isn't the best thinker, as you may have noticed, so maybe knowing whether you're interested in him or not will help hurry up his thinking process and make him decide what to do."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Just give him a few days, Carlos. I'm sure he'll come around, sooner or later, either as a friend or more."

"That said," he continued, and leaned forward again. " _Are_ you interested in him?"

Logan was much better at this sort of thing than he was, thought Kendall, mentally approving the message. He tended to be all emotional, whereas Logan was logic incarnate.

Carlos let out a breath. "I… I think I do. I mean, it's hard cause I've never "liked" a sighted person before, so there's the fact that he has things going on in his head that I can't understand, and he's dealing with impulses I don't have. I think I really could like him, that it could be a thing, but… who am I kidding, seriously?"

He rubbed his face. "I'm not lacking self-confidence, so it's not that. I guess I'm okay-looking enough – no one has complained so far – so it's not that. It's not that I'm not smart or don't have any talents. It might be as basic as I have a situation he can't handle, or doesn't want to. It might be cute that I wander around in a helmet and have a great dog, and that I don't run into walls, but it's another thing to be involved with someone who can't see what you see, even with all the Braille in the world. I think…"

Carlos paused. "I think I expected too much out of him. Out of everyone, maybe. I have to remember that now, I'm the odd one. Never was before."

Kendall, listening to this, just wanted to hug Carlos – so he did, taking the other boy by surprise, but Carlos responded a moment later, understanding the gesture for what it was.

When Kendall let go, he kept his hand on Carlos' shoulder. "It's tough, dude – I can't even imagine, really, though I have been trying. Between James having literally no idea what to do, there is probably this feeling of "Could I handle this?". I suspect Diamond is smarter – a little – than he looks and maybe he's thinking deep thoughts about all this."

Logan nodded. "Exactly. Maybe we don't give him enough credit. If he was as shallow as we think he is, he probably wouldn't have hung out with you in the first place, you know? Just give him time, Carlos. Wait a few days, see what happens. If nothing does happen, you can think about your next step and whether you want to confront him or not."

"I don't want to confront anyone – I just don't want things to be fucking awkward as hell. But I guess at least I don't have to see his face and try and read that."

The bell sounded and Carlos stood up, suddenly tired. "Don't you guys have hockey tonight?"

"Yeah, we do," Logan said. "Do you want us to talk to him? Not like, ask about you or anything; just… ask why he's behaving weird?"

"If you want to," said Carlos. "Don't get into a big thing about it – I don't want to make trouble, I just want to… sleep, really, right now. But that is not to be, apparently, cause I still have classes."

He rubbed his neck and took hold of Sydney. "Okay, babe, History. Chop chop."

They all went to class then, and when that was over, walked Carlos home – and stayed there a little because Carlos' mom had leftovers from the day before and they were too good to say no to. With a full belly, Kendall and Logan finally said goodbye, went home, did their homework (in Logan's case anyway), and then had practice in the evening.

James woke up on his own in the early evening, surprised that he hadn't slept till the next morning. He remembered hockey practice and grimaced, but still managed to drag his ass out of bed, pack his stuff and go to the rink. He didn't feel like it at all – but maybe hockey would help him process his Carlos Situation, or distract him, at the very least. 

Kendall was scrimmaging with Dalton out on the ice when James showed up, and after beating his teammate's ass soundly, he skated over to him and leaned against the boards. "Whut up, Diamond? Decided to bless us with your shiny presence?"

Kendall always talked to James this way, it meant nothing. "Get some sleep, or will I be pushing your ass along with the puck halfway through this thing?" 

James sighed heavily. "Is it really impossible for you to just shut up for once, Knight? I'm just curious."

He sat down and laced his skates, then put on his helmet and slid onto the ice. "I did get some sleep yes, so be ready."

"Pretty much, yes," said Kendall, watching James lace up and put on his helmet. "But before I'm ready, can I have a word with you? I mean, I will anyway, but I'd like you to be aware and listening, savvy?"

James sighed and gave him a look. "Fine. Since I can't stop you. What is it?"

Kendall dragged him over to the far side of the rink. "Look. I'm gonna preface this by saying it's none of my business and I'm butting in. I was not asked or solicited to have this little convo, so keep that in mind before you get pissy, or _if_ you get pissy. Save it."

He leaned on his stick. "Whatever happened with you and Garcia? Take it easy on him, okay? You might be confused and stuff about whatever you're feeling, but so is he, so just… be kind with each other, all right?" 

James felt his cheeks grow hot and he stared down at the floor. "You're right; it is none of your business," he said softly. "And I wasn't mean to him. I said hello and he didn't even look at me."

He took a breath. "I just… need some space to process this, all right?" 

"I didn't hear you say hello, and if he did, he would have said it back, so you must've been quieter than you thought. And acknowledging the dog and not him? Seriously, James. And fine, take space and all that, but just remember, it's not just you in this so at least be… nice, all right? I know you have it in you to be. You were always so polite in Cub Scouts."

"I would have acknowledged him if he had acknowledged me! He didn't really look at me either, did he? It's not just me. And I'm always fucking nice; I just don't know what to say to him right now."

"I didn't say it was just you,” sighed Kendall. He straightened up and patted his shoulder. "Whatever happens, just talk. You're a good guy, I know this. Now, my being nice time is over cause I'm gonna whip your ass."

Kendall smiled sweetly, squeezed his shoulder and skated off.

James glared and watched him, getting ready to kick Kendall's ass. Kendall skated over to Logan in the goal, shaking his head. "He's pissy," he informed Logan, putting on his helmet. "So beware."

Logan looked at him, then at James, and gulped. James and Kendall tented to be brutal sometimes, and he'd had countless bruises over the years to prove it. 

And he was right. It _was_ brutal. 

The scrimmage commenced, with both lines fighting for goals and James and Kendall got into it more than once on the boards, with the resulting last five minutes of the practice spent in the penalty box.

Logan was grateful; he could barely move. 

When they were sent off, James took off his helmet and sighed, running a hand through his hair. 

Meanwhile, Kendall was bouncing – he wanted more. He could smell blood. Mostly because it was running down his face from a cut on his temple and he didn't even care.

When he and James were let out, they faced off one more time and wound up in a tangle at center ice, both panting.

"Fuck, Diamond… if you kill me, who will protect your pretty face next week? Jesus Christ on an oyster cracker."

"I'm not planning on killing you," James muttered, pushing his hair back again and glaring weakly. "Your face just makes me really angry sometimes."

He leaned back and sighed heavily, then had to laugh. "I'm sorry." 

Kendall looked at James, then cracked up – he couldn't help it. He just snorted, then rolled off him, still laughing. 

"My face makes you angry," he managed. "Good to know, good to know."

He laid there and giggled, brushing off the sorry till he finally calmed down and managed to stop laughing long enough to get on his feet.

"Your face makes me want to take up sculpture so I can immortalize it in marble," he told James. "Or make a picture out of macaroni . Something like that."

James raised a brow and grinned. "That's a compliment, right? Thanks."

He grabbed Kendall's hand and let him pull him up. He sighed, then glanced over at Logan. "He looks like he's in intense pain. I guess we should apologize, huh?"

"Logie is a hurting unit, dude. We need to be really, really nice to him, take him out for pizza or something."

"We can do that, sure. I'm starving," James said. He was silent for a moment, nibbling his lip. "So, uh, did Carlos say anything else?"

Kendall shoved his wet hair back and rubbed his neck. "He said it was unexpected, you two had had beer, but that it felt really, really good and he just didn't expect to be ignored today. And that maybe it was just too much to expect a sighted person to like a blind person, or be willing to deal with it. Also? You gave him a hickey."

James looked up. "I did?"

He couldn't suppress a little smile at that.

"Yeah, you did. A little one, but its there. He had no idea, but he didn't seem to mind," Kendall said, watching him. 

James sighed and scratched the ice with the tip of his skate. "I just… I tried to avoid him, not ignore him. I just… it's just…"

He waved his hand, not sure how to describe what he was going through right now. "You know?"

Kendall looked at him. "Avoid, ignore – it feels like the same thing, gotta say. From his point of view, you two made out, parted amicably enough, and then today, he doesn't exist to you."

Kendall shrugged, pulling off his gloves. "I kind of know, yeah, but at the same time, I'm trying to look out for him too. Carlos doesn't need anyone to look out for him, no, but I just feel like I should."

James nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yes," he said softly. "And I'm glad you're looking out for him. I just… I'm not the enemy, okay? I just need a little time, and I don't…" He sighed. "I'm not good at this. But I'll talk to him when I'm ready, okay? That's as much as I can promise right now."

He had no idea how he was going to do this, but he'd try.

"I didn't say you were the enemy," Kendall said. "I don't think you are. I think you both did something spontaneously that was fun and felt good, but that you maybe didn't know what to do afterwards. I usually plan long and hard to snog someone, so I generally have an idea of where it's all going, but… I didn't know he liked boys. Not that it matters, cause fuck, to each their own. I was more surprised that I didn't know _you_ liked boys."

"I don't," James said immediately, shifting uncomfortably. "I don't like boys. I like girls. I just… I guess I just really enjoyed kissing Carlos." He sighed. "I don't even know."

He decided to change the subject. "Right, so, pizza?"

"Yes, pizza," Kendall said, dropping it; clearly seeing that James needed to figure this out and that he'd said what he'd been meaning to say. "LOGAN! Get into the shower, we're buying you pizza! Well, James is!"

Logan looked up. "He is? Excellent!"

James rolled his eyes and followed the other two into the showers. When they were clean and dry, he bought both Kendall and Logan the pizza they wanted, and they spent the rest of the evening discussing things that weren't Carlos. He was grateful for that; he didn't think he could handle being interrogated by Logan was well as Kendall. One of them was bad enough, both together? Too much.

When James got home later, he considered calling Carlos but he still wasn't sure what to say, and he didn't know if Carlos might maybe be asleep already. So he went to bed, thinking about his situation some more and not coming to any conclusions. Maybe he'd talk to Carlos the next day. He would try, at least.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day, however, he still didn't know what to say to him. But he knew he couldn't avoid it any longer. He spotted Carlos when he entered the building, and took a breath before walking over to him. "Hey Carlos," he said softly, touching his shoulder. Then he pulled his hand back, not sure if that was welcome or not. 

Kendall had called him last night, when they all got home and told him he'd talked to James and that it was just a case of not really knowing how to feel, nothing weirder than that, and just told him to take it easy on James cause he was confused.

He figured that was all he could do at the moment.

After the call, Carlos had laid on his bed in the dark, listening to music – not Coldplay though – and thought, deciding to just pretend it hadn't happened and act like he had before.

So when he sensed his step, then smelled his cologne, Carlos took a breath and didn't flinch. "Hey James," he said casually. "How's it going?"

His voice sounded very normal to him, which was a relief. 

"I'm all right," James said softly. "Finally got some sleep, so I won't fall asleep in class again."

He smiled a little. "How are you?"

This already went a lot better than he'd expected. 

"Good – it's hell to wake up in class like that, so glad to hear it. You could probably do without the sarcasm too."

His fingertips moved over his books, reading the titles so he knew which ones to pull out, and slid them out.

"I'm all right," he said quietly. "Yourself?"

"I'm okay," James said softly, biting his lip. "Hey, Carlos?"

He stepped a little closer and said softly, "I didn't mean to ignore you yesterday. I really didn't and I'm sorry if it felt like I was ignoring you. I just… I've got some thinking to do and I'm not the fastest thinker, so it might take a while, you know? I just want you to know that I'm still thinking a lot about Sunday."

Carlos had been looking mostly down, but at James' words, he turned his eyes up to where James' face would be; he listened, then nibbled his lip.

"Okay," he murmured, not knowing what else to say. "You don't have to, you know, worry about it. I know it was just something new to you, something to try. I know it didn't mean anything to you, so no worries."

"Maybe it wasn't," James said insistently. "I don't know yet, Carlos. I have to figure out how… well, how I feel about it. But it did mean a lot to me, I… I really enjoyed it, I'm just… figuring things out, you know?"

"James, I know about you, a little; I've listened to people talk at rehearsal and stuff. You have so many girls you don't know what to do with them, that's your thing. Maybe you just felt sorry for the blind kid, who spilled his secret to you. Maybe it just seemed a safe way to try something new. But I don't know. I just know I don't want to feel something weird between us, cause I really could use a friend, but if it's all too big a pain in the ass, I get that too."

Sydney was restless, and Carlos put his hand on her head to calm her. "So figure it out and then you'll know stuff about yourself, right?"

James' face fell a little when Carlos said he'd heard things about him. As usual, his reputation preceded him. He looked down and nodded. "Okay. I will," he said softly. "I… have to go to class but I'll talk to you later, all right?"

He bit his lip, then bent down and stroked Sydney. "Bye Syd."

He touched Carlos' shoulder gently, then walked to his locker and then his first class, sitting down and frowning at his desk when he got there. Carlos had listened to what other people had said about him. And now didn't believe there was a chance that James could possibly like him back – or be in a relationship with him. And maybe he couldn't. James didn't have much faith in his own romantic abilities either, but the fact that Carlos now clearly thought he was a shallow, casual dater who was incapable of love or any other deep feelings bothered him more than he cared to admit.

Because if Carlos thought James was an asshole when it came to dating, _and_ couldn't fall for his exterior, then how was there any chance of Carlos liking him that way? Completely discouraged, James slid down in his chair and swallowed hard, wondering why that hurt so much.

 

Carlos had heard the change in James' voice, a different note enter it; he actually sounded a little hurt. Disappointed even, maybe. 

Fuck. 

He didn't have the same class as James, no, and his grades were gonna suck if he didn't improve his listening, get some discipline. So he did his best to listen, pay attention, understand what was going on. He tried to put James out of his mind.

Until rehearsal, when his life began to give him more indications that he should have stayed home.

He knew his lines, most of them – they weren't into the second part of the play yet, and that was fine. He knew his songs down cold, and always sounded good.

What he didn't understand was the blocking, mostly cause it was always changing, and with the acoustics of the auditorium, he couldn't count on footsteps or other subtle aural cues to mark where he should be, who he should be standing near.

So he was wrong. A lot.

James watched Carlos a lot during the next few rehearsal sessions. He didn't have anything else to do, considering he didn't have to focus on playing a character of import himself – and while it was kind of tiring to see Carlos repeat the same thing over and over again, when James noticed other people talking about how much Carlos sucked, he didn't like it at all. 

He felt oddly protective of Carlos all of a sudden, and almost snapped at them – when something else occurred to him that could benefit him as well and maybe help him decide about this whole Carlos situation, which had been on his mind ever since their snogging session that Sunday. They had been friendly ever since; talking during class breaks but not really hanging out together outside of school. Kendall and Logan were often with them, so they didn't get a chance to talk about their feelings or anything like that, and James was grateful to have some time to figure out his feelings. 

And while he still wasn't entirely sure if he wanted Carlos – or if Carlos still wanted _him_ , after that comment he'd made the other day – he was beginning to realize that he did have feelings for Carlos. Feelings that weren't going away. 

Wilson soon decided that a break was in order, and James made his way over to him and talked to him a few minutes, explaining his idea. When the teacher seemed to like it, James was pleased and made his way back to his spot. 

Carlos was all too aware of the whispers – he was blind, not fucking deaf – and he tried to not react, but it was hard. He didn't know if he should try and explain what he was encountering or shut up and try harder, or maybe just leave the play altogether. James could have his part. He was tall, he was handsome… he could see.

Carlos sat down after the last run through, lacing his fingers together tightly. He didn't know where James was, and it wasn't like they were allies, anyhow. Just casual friends that never hung out together anymore.

He looked down and took a deep breath, while Sydney grumbled beside him. 

James watched Carlos, and after a while, he got up and walked over to him, sitting down next to him. "Ignore them," he said softly. "I know it's hard, but you're not that bad. They're exaggerating and they're impatient assholes, so just ignore them and keep doing your thing. You're great."

He leaned down and stroked Sydney gently, giving her a smile when she licked his hand.

Carlos hadn't thought James would even come near him – he tended to keep his distance during rehearsals – but he looked up when he heard his voice. "I'm trying, but it's hard when they're right. This is… this is really different from IFB and maybe I was just an idiot to even try and do this here."

He tried a little smile. "Thank you – you're being nice."

He took another breath and nibbled the inside of his lip.

James looked at him. "Do you want me to beat them up for you? Cause I can."

Carlos had to smile at that. "No, but thanks for the offer, dude."

Before James could do anything, the teacher cleared his throat. "Listen up. It has come to my attention that some of you are complaining because Carlos needs a little longer to figure out where to stand. I hope you know you're being incredibly rude, especially considering you have no idea how difficult it is for him. Which is why you're all going to find out."

He paused and everyone looked confused; everyone, except James. 

"For the rest of today's rehearsal, you are going to wear blindfolds and try to do as well as you did before. I'm sure you will all soon be much more patient with Carlos." 

Carlos raised his head to listen, and his brows shot up at the teacher's words – then he couldn't help smiling. Not because he wanted to be sadistic, but just because. The teacher distributed the blindfolds, and Carlos actually ventured to tie James' on. "Okay? Can you see anything, is it too tight or anything?"

James shook his head. "No, it's perfect. All dark now."

He smiled a little, then stood up and realised he had no idea how far away the stage was or if he would even walk in the right direction if he took a step forward now. 

"Right," he said. "Okay. Um… Sydney? Help a guy out, will you? You love me."

Sydney barked as if to say "You gotta be kidding me," but Carlos pushed her butt in the right direction. "Go with James," he said, "then come back to me."

She did, and pushed James to the stairs, and waited while he tried to climb them, finally barking and literally pushing him up, and then to the center of the stage, before coming back for Carlos.

"Ow, dude, don't be so rough," James said to Sydney, then sighed. "Thanks."

Carlos petted Sydney; around him there were murmurs, mutters, lots of "fucks," and "shit, it's fucking _dark_ ", and he smiled, cause hey, no one could see him, right? 

James held up both hands as he walked to what he hoped was the back of the stage. He bumped into two people on his way there; ended up grabbing a girl's boob by accident – but she didn't seem to mind, to be honest – and then finally found his place near the back of the stage. He hoped. 

He was kind of glad right now, that he didn't have a major part in this musical, because this turned out to be a lot harder than he thought.

Carlos just made his way to his spot and listened, amused, as no one could find their spots and kept bumping into each other. Heedless of their confusion, the teacher started the second run through, from the top (sans songs) and watched as every single person failed to hit their mark, even when counting steps, or beats, anything.

Finally, he shouted for them to calm down and for Carlos to try and teach them the cues, which Carlos did. He tried, anyway, and Sydney finally gave up and went and laid on Carlos' backpack, giving up on these stupid humans.

James was satisfied that most people were completely lost, and hoped that they wouldn't keep talking about Carlos after this. James didn't have to do a lot but still, for the first time, he could actually imagine how difficult it was for Carlos. 

When rehearsal ended, he took off the blindfold and blinked at the bright lights, and realised he was standing in a completely different spot than he'd initially thought. Huh. 

He walked over to Carlos and smiled a little. "That was adventurous," he said, then glanced at Sydney and laughed. "She's 100% done with everyone here."

Carlos was scratching under her chin, and smiled. "She is, very much so. She can only take so much and then she's like "fuck it, you idiots are on your own." Except with me. She is endlessly patient with my sorry ass."

Some of the kids came by and told him they were sorry for complaining, while others admitted that that was harder than they thought, while another boy who was usually with Carlos' character, asked what he could do so that Carlos would know it was him, and therefore, where he needed to be. And almost all of them said they didn't know how he did it.

Carlos was gracious – cause what else could you do? – and thanked the teacher, who was satisfied that progress had been made.

"Good idea, James," he said, gathering his stuff up. "Nice way to foster some compassion and understanding – thank you."

He left then, and Carlos tilted his head. "This was your idea?"

James flushed. "Um. Yeah. I just… heard them talking and thought it might be a good idea. For me too, you know? I just wanted to know what it's like, as much as possible."

Carlos was oddly touched. "Thank you," he said softly. "I mean, for taking up for me, first of all, but second, for doing something to understand how it is for me. That was really kind, James. Honestly, thank you."

He paused. "How did it feel for you? I'm curious."

James shrugged it off. "I was just curious," he said softly. "And it's not okay for them to just blame you for everything when they have no clue how much harder it is for you, so…"

He trailed off, then pondered. "I had no orientation at all," he admitted. "I didn't know which way I was facing, and I realised I had no idea how many steps actually lead up to the stage. You have to memorize all that stuff, which must be hard. And when people were talking, I had no idea how close they were. Sometimes I thought someone was standing right next to me but then they turned out to be quite a bit away from me. And when I took off the scarf, I was much more to the left than I thought. It was interesting."

Carlos listened, feeding Sydney a treat. "The thing in this place here," he said, "for me, is the acoustics. In a theater for blind kids there are certain accommodations, and some of the acoustics are different. This is huge here, and it echoes, so the way I would normally judge distance and other spatial issues is fucked up. I think someone is close, and they are, but not as close as I thought. Footsteps take longer to die down. And the girls are hard to recognize cause they never wear the same perfume twice, so… yeah. So I guess you see it's a little odd for me here sometimes."

James nodded. "Makes sense, yeah. I can imagine it better now."

He was silent for a moment and looked around; everyone else had already left. "Is there anything I can do to help or make it easier for you? Like… show you around, lead you to the right spots and let you count steps and stuff? Or maybe we could ask the teacher if Sydney can be in the play. Marius could totally have a dog."

"Well," said Carlos, thinking, "If you could just stand by so I could walk the stage both ways, find my mark from different spots, just let me kind of absorb this place when it's not packed? That would really be a huge help, James. I'd really appreciate it."

Unexpectedly, he reached up and touched James' cheek. "I thought you were smiling – I was right."

"Sure, definitely, I can do that." James blinked when he was touched but then his smile widened. "Yeah? How can you tell?"

"Your voice," Carlos said simply.

James smiled, then said, "Come on," and grabbed Carlos' hand, pulling him up onto the stage. Carlos let himself be tugged, his hand closing around James'

Together, they counted out how many steps across the whole stage, then from the back, and the front of the stage, how many to his mark. Carlos touched the curtains, the light switches, memorizing what was where, then made James quiz him until he could enter from either side and hit his main mark.

Pleased, he finally sat down in the middle of the stage. "I could do this, James," he said, almost to himself. "I could. I can."

James sat down across from him and smiled. "You can, and you will," he said softly. "This was great, honestly. I'm sure you'll feel a lot more comfortable next time."

Carlos smiled for him. "I feel more confident, and that will help. Seriously, this was a huge help – thanks for doing this with me, even though I made you feel weird the other day."

They were alone. "I didn't mean to, I really didn't. I… don't go around kissing random boys. I don't know why I told you about me, except that I guess I felt comfortable with you, and I… I guess I read more into our encounter than was there. I'm sorry."

"You didn't," James said, shaking his head. "I just…"

He trailed off and looked down. "That day was amazing," he said softly. "I enjoyed every second of it, and I didn't want to hurt you by ignoring you. I was just still processing the whole thing and didn't know how to act around you. I'm not very good at this whole thing."

"I understand that; I'm not that experienced at this, myself. You're actually the first boy I've ever kissed. I've wanted to kiss a couple – some very much – but you're the first I ever have, so… I liked it too. I liked it a lot, on every level. You could tell, m'sure."

He flushed a little. "I just don't want you to think this _has_ to be anything, you know? It could just be something we did and liked. Doesn't have to be all complicated."

_Unless you wanted it to be._

James watched him, then sighed heavily. "I don't know what I want," he groaned, and flopped down on the floor. He blinked, then closed his eyes when Sydney came over and started licking his face; it tickled and James let out a giggle. "Hey, stop that."

"Well, that makes two of us then," said Carlos, rubbing his face, then smiling when Sydney started lapping.

"She likes you – she wouldn't go help anyone else like she did for you, even if I told her to. So if nothing else, you've got her admiration."

He had a headache, and reached for his bag where the Advil was – it was in a special bottle so he could tell by the shape – and popped two out, feeling around for his bottle of water. He took the pills and sighed. "If you don't mind, think I'm gonna head home. Didn't sleep much last night, have a raging headache now." 

"Yeah, I haven't been able to get much sleep either for the past few days. I end up sleeping all afternoon, so I'm a little, well, jet-lagged, almost."

"Yeah, you seemed whipped. Tired whipped, not sex-whipped."

James smiled, then hesitated. "Do you want me to walk you home?"

Carlos got to his feet and yawned. "That would be cool, if you want to. You don't have to, but it would be nice. I'll call Mom and tell her I have a bodyguard so she won't worry."

He called Sylvia, told her he was on his way home, James was with him and all was good. Carlos got his stuff together then and waited for James to do the same.

James shouldered his bag and nodded. "Sure, I don't mind. It's the same direction I have to go anyway, so…"

They left the auditorium, then the school, walking in silence.

Carlos, oddly wanted to ask James if he wanted to take a nap with _him_ , but figured that given the situation, that would be unwise, at best. Even though he'd really like to feel that warm, solid body beside him, even if he kept his lips to himself.

He was an idiot, he knew this.

Sydney padded along between Carlos and the curb, and neither of the boys said anything till they reached the house. Shouting and giggles could be heard from the backyard, and Carlos smiled. "Dad must have put up the trampoline, finally. They've only been bugging him nonstop for two days to do it."

James smiled. "Great. They must love that," he said with a smile. "I used to have one when I was little. Still do, actually, I just haven't been on it for years."

"It wears them out, which I think is the big allure, frankly," said Carlos. "I mean, I like that about it. And it has the fence so no one falls on their head, even Joey, so yeah, they're occupado and I might actually be able to sleep a little."

He smiled. "Kid stuff is fun sometimes… brings back memories and all that good stuff."

James smiled. "True. Maybe I'll go on it again at some point then."

He looked down at him and bit his lip, not wanting to leave just yet but unable to think of an excuse to stay either. 

Carlos didn't want James to go either, but wasn't sure what to say; finally, he just sighed. "Look, I'm tired, I know you still are, so wanna come up to my room and sack out with me? Nothing weird, nothing… intimate. Just stay with me, then maybe we could do some homework, play a video game? Just simple, easy friend stuff. Okay?" 

James looked up and smiled that suggestion. "That sounds good," he said softly. "I'd like that."

He followed Carlos inside and up the stairs; the rest of his family was outside, so he would say hi to Carlos' parents later. In Carlos' room, he flushed a little, remembering that Sunday night. 

The door closed, Carlos pulled off his hoodie and felt the t-shirt underneath. "Sauce. I got caught between a Kendall and Logan ravioli war, and my shirt got the worst of it."

James grinned. "Yeah, they're famous for their food wars."

Carlos absently pulled it off and tossed it into the hamper, a good shot from there, and then pulled off his jeans. "Not getting naked," he said over his shoulder. "Just comfortable."

James' eyes had widened a little when Carlos stripped; he looked really _good_. James had never been attracted to a guy before but Carlos' body was… it was just really beautiful. His skin looked incrediby soft and James wanted to reach out and touch it. He blinked; that probably wasn't a good idea.

A clean t-shirt and sweats later, Carlos got into the bed and fluffed the other pillow. "You can get under with me or lay on top, whatever floats your boat."

James thought for a moment, then took off his jacket and shoes and slid under the covers with Carlos. He missed being close to him and honestly didn't care anymore if this was a good or bad idea. He just wanted to be close. "Right here," he murmured. "If that's okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine," murmured Carlos, already sleepy. He idly reached for his phone and texted his mom that he was sleeping, and he'd be down in a while, then set the phone aside.

The sun was still up, and thin slats of light were slicing across the blankets. Carlos rested his fingers on them. "Still warm," he said, then, "Is the sun amazing? I always imagine that it is. And is the moon just as bright sometimes?" 

James looked at him and without thinking much about it, slid his hand over Carlos', covering it with his own entirely. "It is," he said softly, a little sad when he realised how many beautiful things Carlos couldn't see. "It's just this big ball of light. And the moon isn't quite as bright but it's also really beautiful."

He paused. "Can you see it?" he asked softly. "I mean, when I close my eyes and my face is turned up to the sun, I still see it, sort of. The light, I mean. Do you see that? Or is it just… blackness? Or some other colour maybe."

Carlos turned his palm up and laced their fingers, cause it seemed like the thing to do, and listened.

At James' question, he shook his head. "No. I can feel the warmth, but I can only see what I guess is black. It's nothing. What I can actually 'see' is what my brain projects and that's just from sensory input I can feel or hear. You can't hear colors, but… sometimes I can feel them. That sounds weird, I know."

James nodded, listening curiously. He brushed his thumb over the back of Carlos' hand and squeezed his hand gently. "Yeah, that makes sense," he said softly. 

He bit his lip. "Does it ever make you sad? That you can't see?"

Carlos thought a little bit about that. "Yeah," he said finally. "I'm always like, "You can't miss what you never had," but I do. I can imagine a lot of things, but they're still imagination. I can't see my little brother's faces at Christmas. I can't see my mom and dad when they're proud of me. I can feel it, but it's not the same. I can feel the sun, or the wet dew in the mornings, but I can't see it. Or the moon when it's just brilliant."

He sighed. "I can feel, well, you. I know everyone says you're gorgeous. I can tell that you are stereotypically good-looking by touching your face. But I can't see your eyes, or your expressions, or your smile, or all the things that probably turn a pretty boy into a dazzling one. So yeah. It does make me sad sometimes." 

James looked at Carlos and actually felt his eyes prickling with tears a little, sad for him. He wanted to show Carlos the world, but there was nothing he could do. He felt kind of helpless and hated it. 

Wanting to do something, he tightened his fingers around Carlos' hand, then tilted his chin up with the other one and brushed his lips over Carlos'.

Carlos squeezed back lightly, and then felt soft fingertips on his skin, then James' lips again.

He didn't resist, didn't want to; he was tired, a little emo from all this, still confused, but he kissed James back immediately and closed his eyes again.

James wrapped an arm around Carlos and kept the other hand wrapped around Carlos' fingers. He deepened the kiss slowly, tilting his head and kissing him slowly and gently, trying to make up with that kiss for everything Carlos couldn't see. He stroked the back of Carlos' head gently, then pulled back and rubbed their noses together in an eskimo kiss. 

He'd never felt anything like this before, and it scared him more than anything ever had, but at the same time, he didn't want to let go of Carlos right now – or ever. He just wanted to hold him and be close to him.

Carlos relaxed into the gentle touches, realizing that James was trying to see him in the same way Carlos had to see him, and the little nose rub made him smile. He drew his fingers down James' cheek, tracing the cheekbone and jaw, his ear, learning him. His heart was beating fast, and he just felt this mass of want and like, and confusion and it was unlike anything he'd ever known before.

James' stomach hadn't stopped fluttering since he'd gotten into Carlos' bed. He looked at Carlos, smiling when he traced his face. Then he closed his eyes and touched Carlos' face as well, touching his cheeks and jaw and chin, then his eyebrows while he pressed a gentle kiss to his nose. 

He brushed his fingers over the back of Carlos' slightly sweaty neck and down his back slowly; the only sound in the room their slightly heavy breathing.

Carlos' lips curved into a smile when he felt what James was doing – he was the first person Carlos had ever met who really seemed to be trying to understand what it was like to be him beyond a surface level, and that alone meant more to him than he could have ever expressed.

He did shiver when James' fingers were on the back of his neck, then down his back – he slid his fingers into James' hair, which he loved touching, and stroked, moving closer to the other boy. 

James stroked Carlos' back slowly and brushed a few gentle kisses over his chin and jaw, then nuzzled his neck, breathing him in. He hesitated for a second, then slid his hand under Carlos' shirt and trailed his fingertips up Carlos' spine, his touch feather-light. He let out a breath and brushed the tip of his nose against Carlos' ear. 

Carlos let out a little sound, half-whimper, half-sigh as James' fingers moved on his skin. He'd made out with girls, touched them under their shirts, but never with a guy. And the girl's touches hadn't felt like this.  
James traced the dimples in Carlos' lower back, then trailed kisses from his ear to his mouth before kissing him fully, pulling him flush against him. He pressed his palm against Carlos' lower back, then slowly slid it up, touching every inch of skin he could reach. He made a soft sound into the kiss and slid his tongue into Carlos' mouth, his heart pounding in his chest. 

Carlos slid his hand up James' side, still on top of his shirt, and opened his mouth for James, letting him slip his tongue in and explore, then wrapped his arm around him, holding him tight. His heart was still beating really, really fast and he kissed James more intently, like he was trying to crawl into him. 

James' eyes fluttered and he let out a breath through his nose, kissing Carlos back just as intently. He slid his hand down his back again, then slid it up Carlos' side, making a low sound in his throat; everything about Carlos felt so sexy. His skin was incredibly soft and hot and slightly sweaty, and his kisses were doing things to James that he'd never experienced before. 

Carlos finally moved a little, pulling James half on top of him like the other night, because he loved feeling that solid weight on top of him – he felt kind of claimed that way, even though James didn't want him like that.

He could pretend. Carlos was awesome at pretending.

He stroked James' back with one hand, keeping the other hand tangled in silky-soft strands of hair. 

James moved with Carlos and moaned softly into the kiss. He sighed at the feel of Carlos' fingers on his back, and kept moving one of his hands up and down Carlos' side, never breaking the kiss. 

That little moan could have made Carlos come right there and then, but honestly, he wasn't paying attention down there. He was focusing on above the belt, as it were. He finally slid both hands up to cup James' face and break the kiss for a moment, cause he needed to breathe and collect himself. 

James was grateful for the brief break because he needed to breathe as well. He opened his eyes and looked down at Carlos, his breath hitching when he took in Carlos' flushed cheeks and swollen red lips. He'd never seen anything sexier than Carlos right at this moment. 

He touched his cheek lightly, then closed his eyes again and pressed his forehead against Carlos'. 

Carlos took a deep, slightly shaky breath and moved his hand off James, just for a moment, then smoothed his shirt where it was wrinkled.

"You're all warm," he whispered. "Sweaty, even." 

James smiled a little. "So are you," he whispered back, but he didn't mind one bit. Carlos felt perfect to him, sweaty or not, and his scent was intoxicating. 

"I'd suggest taking off our shirts, but that's probably not smart," Carlos murmured, even though he really, really wanted to touch James' back, his skin, his arm and chest muscles. He wanted to touch, stroke, learn as much as he could. 

James opened his eyes. "Hmm," he murmured, then sat up a little and tugged his t-shirt off. After a moment, he reached down and helped Carlos out of his as well. He swallowed hard when he lowered himself back on top of him, their bare chests pressed together as he touched Carlos' shoulder and arm gently. 

Carlos smiled. "Guess we're not going the smart way," he murmured. "That's okay with me." He let himself touch James ' skin and pressed his face into his shoulder. 

"I rarely do the smart thing," James said with a smile and kissed Carlos' chin. He closed his eyes and stroked Carlos' sides gently, brushing kisses over his neck and collarbone. 

"Something to be said for that," said Carlos, kissing James' shoulder, feeling the skin under his lips, so warm and damp, and he closed his eyes, letting his fingers explore all of James that he could touch, taking his time before capturing James' mouth in another long, slow kiss. 

James answered the kiss slowly and sighed softly at the feel of Carlos' fingers on his body. No one had ever touched him like this before, so gently and curiously. 

Carlos _was_ curious – touching himself was fine, but it wasn't anything like exploring someone else's body, feeling their skin, and heat, the texture, little bumps and moles. James had a little raised birthmark on his shoulder blade and Carlos rubbed it lightly.

He let himself wrap his fingers around James' muscles on his arms – those were hard and intense and Carlos couldn't help wondering how they would feel tight around him if they were…

He let out a breath and swallowed. 

James broke the kiss and kissed Carlos' jaw and ear lightly, sucking on his earlobe. "You okay?" he whispered, nuzzling him. He couldn't stop touching and kissing Carlos. 

"Okay?" Carlos had to think about it. "I'm sweaty, turned on, and pretty damn content, so yeah, I'm okay. You?"

He smoothed James' hair back and traced his lips with a forefinger. 

James raised a brow and smiled. "That does sound pretty okay," he said, then nodded. "I am. I'm more than okay." He tilted Carlos' face up to his and looked down at him, then kissed him again, slowly, gently, deeply. 

Carlos smiled back, feeling the corner of James' lips turn up, and knew he was being looked at – he hoped James liked what he saw, but he must have cause that next kiss…

He wrapped his arms around James' neck and kissed him back, just as deeply, intently, losing himself in that kiss. If this was the last kiss he ever got in his life, it would be enough. 

James hoped this wouldn't be their last kiss; he was so addicted to Carlos' kisses already that he couldn't imagine ever giving them up. Which might be a bit of a problem, but he'd worry about that later. He sucked on Carlos' bottom lip, slid a hand between their bodies, stroking Carlos' chest and stomach, feeling the soft skin over his muscles. God, he even _felt_ sexy. 

When air once again became a necessity, Carlos pulled back a little and shivered as James stroked his stomach. God, he was turned on. And it was evident. And a little achey by now. His balls were no longer blue, he thought. They must be navy in color by now. Whatever navy was.

"James," he finally managed. "I thought we were both confused," he whispered. "This doesn't feel confusing. it feels fucking amazing." 

"It does," James whispered. "But I'm confused because it feels so amazing. I never…"

He bit his lip and sighed. "I've never been interested in a boy before but I haven't been able to stop thinking about how kissing you feels and how brilliant it all was. And that I don't wanna have to give this up." 

Carlos was fairly sure this was a simpler decision for him than for James, but he had to ask. "Why do you have to?" he whispered. "I like you. I'm attracted to you, obviously, I love kissing you, touching you… I'd like to see where this goes."

He paused. "But I guess that's not as easy for you to say as it is for me to, huh?" 

James looked down at him and bit his lip, then shook his head. "No, it's not," he whispered. "It's not that I can't see myself falling for you. It's more the other way around."

He swallowed hard and rolled off Carlos suddenly, sitting up and pulling his knees up. He looked down and bit his lip. "I'm a pretty face and good voice, nothing more. I'm not very funny or smart, and don't have much depth. I just don't know how you could possibly end up liking me more than you do right now because I just, I don't have much to offer you. And I suck at being a boyfriend, as proven by my many short-lived relationships, as you mentioned earlier."

He sighed and rubbed his face. "And I just don't want to hurt you, Carlos." 

Carlos managed to sit up too and rubbed his face, reaching to put his hand on James' hand, or his arm, something.

He listened and felt a little… or a big… tug on his heart, and bit his own lip.

"James," he said after a moment or two of silence. "I don't want to be hurt either. I don't want _you_ to get hurt. But I happen to think you are a _lot_ more than a pretty face or voice. I don't need or really want to date a comedian, or a Harvard-bound scholar. All I want is a kind, caring, sensitive person, someone who likes my family and whom they like, someone who can find me attractive despite the situation, someone who can _deal_ with me being blind. That's a huge, huge thing."

He took a breath. "I see all those things in you, all except the last part, and that would have to be something you decided. But I know you're an amazing person, and you keep proving that to me." 

James looked at him. "You think that?" he asked softly, nibbling his lip. "I still… What if I do hurt you? I'd hate that, or what if I end up realising I _can't_ deal with it? I think I can; I mean, from what I've seen so far, it works for me, but what if I can't? I just don't want to risk hurting you. But I do want you." 

Carlos tilted his head and looked down. "If you do, you do. There isn't anything I can do about that, is there, except hope you don't wind up hurting me. I think that's all anyone can hope for. I would never want to hurt you, either."

He reached for James' hand. "Look. I like you, the inside you that you show me. I know you're handsome, but it means nothing to me. I only know what you say and do, and that's what appeals to me, or ticks me off, or whatever. And I want you, too. I really do, James." 

James looked at him and his stomach fluttered. He doubted anyone had ever been interested in _him_ before. In his looks and popularity and confidence, maybe, but not _him_. And Carlos couldn't see him; he wouldn't care if he looked like a potato. He just _liked_ him. And that meant so much to James that he couldn't even express it.

He swallowed hard, then leaned over, cupped Carlos' cheek and kissed him gently, a kiss full of emotion. 

Carlos covered James' hand with his own, then kissed him back, just as gently, feeling the push behind it, knowing that for James, having someone like him for him was a huge thing. As much as he wished he could actually _see_ James, in a way, he thought he did. Maybe more clearly than most people, in the end. 

"Okay," James whispered finally when he drew back. The tips of their noses brushed and he nodded. "Okay, let's try this."

He swallowed hard, a nervous fluttering in his stomach. 

"Really?"

Carlos put his hand on James' face to sense his expression. "Seriously, you really want to? So does that mean we're, you know, dating? Publicly and all?"

His heart was beating fast and he took a deep breath. 

James looked at him and hesitated. "Can we just keep it a secret for a while? Because it's still new and maybe we can just… take it one step at a time, yeah? If that's okay with you? I don't wanna hide you or make you my dirty little secret or anything, but this is all new for me and I need a little more time to process, you know?"

He touched his cheek gently. "But we are dating, yes," he whispered. 

Carlos nibbled the inside of his lip; he really hoped he _wasn't_ James' dirty little secret because… well, because, who would want to be that? It took probably too long for him to nod, then murmur, "Okay, I understand. And this makes me happy, James. It really does."

He touched his cheek and then his lips. "Are you happy?" 

James watched Carlos' face. "Not for long," he promised. "Just a few weeks. I want to process this first before we tell everyone. It'll be hard not to touch you at school, though. But soon."

He smiled a little then. "I'll be happy if you kiss me again." He smiled and leaned in to smooch Carlos, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him back down on the bed with him again, half on top of him. 

Carlos felt the smile, and smiled back, banishing the small, nagging doubts at the back of his mind long enough to kiss James back wholeheartedly, sliding his arms around him too and holding on.

Now that Carlos was on top, James slid his hands down his back, stroking gently. He kissed his bottom lip and nose, then bit it teasingly and smiled against Carlos' lips. He was silent for another moment, then added, "We can tell Logan and Kendall, though. I mean, they're your friends, and my sort-of friends. And your family, of course." 

Carlos smiled too. "They'd probably figure it out, the two guys, that is, and my family will be happy. A little worried, at least the parents, cause… well, they're parents. But it should be okay with them, and it's more than okay with me."

"Good," James said, sighing. "I like your parents, I wouldn't want them to start hating me for dating their son."

Carlos smiled and stroked James' hair gently. "What color is it?" 

James tilted his head. "My hair? Brown, sort of. It looks lighter and sometimes even a little reddish, depending on the light but… brown, yeah."

Carlos smiled. "It's soft. I like messing it up for some reason, I have no idea why. I get the image of you getting scowly when I do. Maybe that's why I like to."

He smoothed gently. "It's easier for me to not be flowy cause otherwise I'd always be a mess." 

James smiled. "I do get a little scowly, but it's fine. I like it when you do it."

He rested his head on Carlos' shoulder and stroked his hair. "I think you'd look cute with a big, messy mop on your head," he laughed. "But I do have to say that I like this. It feels really nice and it's very sexy." 

Carlos laughed. "I knew it. And God, really? I'd look like a little sheepdog, which I guess would be a look, but… no, I like this too. I never have to worry about what it looks like, which is a help. And it's fuzzy."

James smiled. "True, it is pretty low maintenance."

Carlos snuggled into James and nuzzled him. "I'm kind of in shock," he admitted. "This is huge for me." 

James kissed his nose. "It's big for both of us," he whispered, nuzzling him. "More for you than me, sure, but it's big for me too. I can't believe you like me just the way I am. I don't think that's ever happened before." 

"I'm kind of surprised that you like a guy, considering you just broke up with a girl a few weeks ago," said Carlos. "I mean, either I look pretty fem, which I kind of doubt, or you've just gone a whole other way with me."

He touched the hollow at the base of James' throat. "I've just never been in love before and I think… I mean, I could fall in love with you."

Then Carlos paused. "Sorry, sorry. _Wayyy_ too soon to say anything like that. Shut me up and kiss me." 

"You don't," James laughed. "You look very manly. I just - I think you're just my exception. Because I have no interest in any other boys, and I've actually – and obviously – also never been very interested in the girls I've dated. Maybe you're just special."

He kissed his nose. "I've never been in love before and yeah, I could fall for you too. And isn't that the whole point of dating? You pick someone you think you could fall for."

He paused. "But I won't say no to more kissing."

"My mom says I'm special, but I think she's meaning it in an entirely different way," said Carlos, and smiled. "But hey, life is about figuring out what you want, so… experiment."

James smiled. "I'm looking forward to that experimentation."

"Me too," whispered Carlos, who had lots of ideas about things he'd like to experiment with. He traced a circle on James' back as they kissed until there was a knock at the door. 

"Boys, are you coming down to dinner? It's ready in five!"

Sylvia had an idea what was going on – napping, her ass – and she just hoped they were both being careful with what they were doing. No one wanted to see their own baby's heart broken, but she genuinely liked James and didn't want him to hurt either. 

"I could eat," James said thoughtfully. "What about you?" 

"Yeah, me too," Carlos sighed.

He got up on one arm. "Okay, down in five, thanks!"

Sydney put her nose up and sniffed, and Carlos rolled his eyes. "I'm sure there's a plate for you too, spoiled girl."

He rubbed his face. "Okay, how obvious do I look?"

James looked at him and raised a brow. "You look shagged," he said simply. "Maybe splash some water into your face and… yeah, I think just that and getting dressed is the only thing we can do. I probably don't look much better."

He grinned and got off the bed, walking over to the mirror. He snorted. "Yep. Shagged too." 

"If we look shagged just making out, what would we look like if we actually, you know, _did_?" Carlos couldn't help thinking about that, he really couldn't.

James pondered. "Probably the same, just… worse? I don't know. I suppose we'll find out someday." 

He blushed. 

James' words went straight to Carlos' groin and he groaned, glad he had on baggy sweats. James just turned him on, and he couldn't help it; couldn't help imagining what it might be like to have someone else touch him the way he touched himself. It had given him some sleepless moments already and he didn't think it would get better anytime soon.

He went into the bathroom then, and did as James suggested, rubbing his wet hand over his hair and smoothing anything that might be sticking out, then dried and dressed again. James washed his face as well and combed his hair, then fluffed it up with his fingers. 

He turned his head in James' direction. "I bet you're ten times more gorgeous when you look all flushed and stuff." 

James pulled on his shirt and smiled a litle. "Maybe. I don't know," he said, and reached for Carlos' hand. "Let's go."

Carlos felt safe with James' hand, and Sydney waited for him to open the door before padding down in front of him, then stopping and nosing a ball, sending it down the hall towards the twins' room and continuing on.

James led Carlos downstairs, making sure not to let him bump into anything. They went into the kitchen a moment later, still holding hands. "Hi," James said, smiling. "Mmmh, something smells amazing."

"Only my mother can make meatloaf smell amazing. Its all the spices," said Carlos, and then felt Sylvia's eyes on him. "Hi!"

She smiled. "Hi. So. Am I to assume that you and James are being ... friendly, or is he just giving Sydney a break with the guiding?"  
James smiled and blushed a little, then nodded. "Well, both. We are, and we are giving Sydney a bit of a break."

He squeezed Carlos' hand and pulled him over to the two free chairs. 

That was pretty smooth, thought Carlos, and could still feel his mother's eyes on him, assessing the situation. "Mom, I'm a big boy. Sort of. I know what I want and James is what I want."

Well, that was straightforward, thought Sylvia. "I wasn't going to give you a hard time, honey. Just…"

"Be careful. I know. I really do know."

James nodded. "We will be," he said softly. "We're taking things slowly."

"Okay then," she said, dropping it and giving James a smile as the rest of the group came trooping in from various parts of the house. 

James squeezed Carlos' hand under the table, and when everyone was seated, they started eating and James sighed. "If I keep having dinner here, I'm gonna have to double my jogging time in the morning. It's so good; I literally cannot stop eating."

Ben eyed him. "Do you lift weights to look that way?" he wanted to know. "Cause you have big muscles. And are you holding Los' hand cause you're being nice or are you two making out now?"

"Making out," said Alle, licking ketchup off his fingers. "I listened at the door and heard sucky sounds."

Joey sighed. "Tongue?"

"I dunno. Los, Jamie? Tongue?"

Carlos groaned. "Stop. And I will station Syd outside my door with orders to chase your little butts outside if I have to. And she will." 

"You heard sucky sounds?" James died – both amused and mortified. He flushed a little but nodded. "Yeah, we're dating now."

He took a breath and nodded. "I do lift weights sometimes, yeah. I also play hockey and go for a run every morning." 

Danny looked between Carlos and James, but said nothing, figuring Sylvia had already covered that terrain, but hid a smile at the 'sucky sounds.' "Well, congratulations,' he said. "Be happy together."

"We will be," said Carlos positively, and Danny smiled before turning to his brothers. "And no lurking outside your brother's door."

"How we s'posed to learn stuff then?" complained Alle. "No one tells us anything."

"You're little kids!"

"So? And are not."

James grinned. "I don't have any siblings," he told the kids. "So I had to figure everything out on my own, and it worked well. I'm sure you'll be fine."

Carlos had to agree that everything James knew at the moment was working for him, so he wasn't gonna say different.

Ben rolled his eyes. "You play hockey? Cool! Are you any good?" 

James looked at him. "Yep. I'm great. Wanna come to one of our games sometime? Or practice?"

Carlos just smiled as James told everyone he was awesome; he didn't doubt it. 

"Yeah, that would be so cool! Can I Dad?"

Danny nodded. "Sure – you just got invited, and Champlin has one of the best teams in the state."

Ben bounced, the others wanted to come too, and Carlos listened to the babble around him, glad that his family was being this accepting.

James smiled and reached for Carlos' hand under the table again, lacing their fingers and squeezing while he kept eating and looked around at Carlos' family. He liked them; he felt at home here. 

Carlos wasn't used to eating one-handed, but he managed pretty well. He was sure his brothers were exchanging glances and such, but he just ignored it and concentrating on the feeling of James so close to him, touching him and that the other boy actually liked him. 

When he was done eating, James leaned back and smiled, blushing a little because yes, they were all looking at them curiously. James just smiled and looked down, lacing his fingers with Carlos' and looking over at him fondly. 

"We're getting looks," sighed Carlos. "Mom, Dad, we're fine, just getting to know each other and we'll be careful. Ben, you can make up whatever theories about life and love you want and explain 'em to me later. Al, Joe, no listening at my door. Yes, we are kissing. And yes, with tongue. Someday you'll understand. The rest of… well, anything, is none of your business, so seriously, I will set Syd on you."

Alle scoffed. "Syd can be had for a cookie," he said, and Sydney padded over to him and nuzzled him. "She's a softie. She can spy."

"She can't talk, however, so you are _still_ out of luck. Seriously, some privacy. Jamie and I are dating, okay? End of story."

Except it wasn't. "How can you see to touch stuff? " said Joey. "I mean, do you have to just grope around or does James grab your hand, and put it on his…"

"Joey, that's enough," said Sylvia, sighing. "Your brother's relationship is his and James' business."

"He doesn't have boobies," said Alle thoughtfully. "I thought Carlos liked boobies."

Carlos sighed. "Can you just stop?" 

James listened to the others and blushed even more, then looked down and tried not to laugh; those kids were adorable. "We'll manage," he said when he looked up again. "We'll figure it all out."

He leaned over and kissed Carlos' cheek, then wrapped his arm around him and drank some water. 

Carlos lifted his other hand and touched James' cheek; it was as hot as his own. "We will, and quit trying to embarrass us, all right?"

More questions were effectively shut down by Danny, who engaged James in conversation about hockey, how he trained, their record this year, other sports stuff, while Carlos finished eating and listened in. His mind was working things over, but he couldn't help smiling, cause James' arm was still heavy and warm on his shoulder. 

James loved talking about hockey and relaxed as he did, stroking the back of Carlos' neck absentmindedly as he answered his dad's questions. His own mom never really asked him about hockey, so he didn't get much chance to talk about it. 

Carlos listened intently, deciding he was going to the next game, practice, whatever. He'd have to get someone to describe it to him, though, since Kendall, Logan and James would all be out on the ice. Maybe one of the theater geeks were secret hockey fans and would help a brotha out.

When they were done eating, James helped Carlos' mom clean up. Sylvia was won over by someone voluntarily helping her clean up – usually a small battle was waged over same – and then watched the boys go upstairs.

She looked at Danny. "They will be okay, won't they?" she said softly. "I just worry about him so much."

Danny shrugged. "All we can do is wait and see. Carlos has to figure some things out on his own; we can't always be there to look out for him. And James seems nice enough. I'm sure they'll be fine."

Upstairs in Carlos' room, James sat down on the bed and pulled Carlos into his lap, kissing his lips. "Hi," he whispered. "Missed you."

Carlos laughed. "How could you miss me? I was right there."

He stroked James' hair – he really couldn't get enough of that – and leaned against him. 

"Yeah, but you weren't in my arms, and I couldn't do this." James leaned in and kissed him for a long moment. 

"Mmm, true," admitted Carlos and kissed James back wholeheartedly, cause James' kisses were addicting and he loved them already.

"Sorry about the conversation," he said when he drew back. "My brothers are obnoxious little souls, but they mean well. Mostly." 

"It's okay. I get it, they're kids, they're curious. They can ask questions." James smiled and kissed his nose, not bothered by their dinner conversation; it had been pretty entertaining.

Carlos kept his arms wrapped around him and nuzzled him. "I guess maybe it's a good thing I can't see you," he said softly. "I'd never take my eyes off you, or want to stop touching you, even in school. I guess maybe this way I can keep a little distance, even if I don't want to."

James smiled. "You're sweet," he murmured. "Maybe you wouldn't even find me attractive, you know? Some people say I'm too pretty. Maybe I wouldn't be your type at all."

"How could anyone be _too_ pretty?" Carlos wanted to know. "Are you so model-like that people are like, afraid to come up to you? Cause maybe then I would think you're totally out of my league and hide in my locker." 

"Some people _are_ afraid to come up to me," James said, realising that it might sound a bit arrogant when he called himself gorgeous but… he kind of _was_. "But you're not out of my league. You're pretty damn gorgeous yourself, so…"

Carlos nibbled his lip. "I wish I could see you, but at the same time, I'd be afraid to. It's a weird feeling. I don't care _what_ you look like – I like the inside you – but again, I hear that you really are phenomenal-looking. And you don't have to be nice, James. I think I probably look okay, but have no real idea." 

"I'm not being nice, Carlos. You're gorgeous. I mean it. Have you ever felt your own face the way you did mine? Because if you did, you'd know how beautiful you are." 

"I feel it when I wash my face, but no, I guess I haven't – not in a long time. I just do basic maintenance. I wash my face, brush my teeth, shave when I need to – electric razor so I don't slit my throat by mistake. When my hair starts feeling all sticking out or to a certain point of fuzzy, I know it's time to get it cut and yell for Dad."

He pondered. "Other than that…"

"Whatever you're doing, it's working for you," James whispered. "You're gorgeous."

He kissed Carlos' lips and smiled against them, then traced Carlos' perfect little bow lips with a finger. 

Carlos smiled back, his own fingers on James' lips, and felt him trace them lightly, then kissed that wandering finger before wrapping his arms around him and pressing his lips to James' hair. 

James closed his eyes and wrapped his own arms around Carlos. He buried his face in his neck and nuzzled him, stroking his back gently.

Carlos held James, feeling him breathe against his neck, and letting his fingers roam over James, touching his back again, his arms, his shoulders, learning the curve of his muscles and strength just under the surface.

He tried to imagine how fast James must be on the ice – he had long legs – and how he must look, tall and imposing when he went after the puck.

He finally rested his cheek against James' hair and sighed. 

James pressed a gentle kiss to Carlos' forehead and stroked his back and hair, nuzzling him. After a long moment, he sighed. "I should probably head home at some point. I just don't want to let go of you."

He nuzzled him again and drew back, pressing a light kiss to his lips. 

Carlos smiled into the kiss, and touched his cheek. "I hate for you _to_ let go, but yeah, I guess it's probably that time. I've got homework, and… fuck, I really _do_ have homework… and you have whatever. Hockey practice tomorrow though, right?"

James nodded. "Yeah, hockey tomorrow so I'm gonna have to focus on homework in the afternoon; do you want to come over to my place tomorrow, maybe? We could do homework together, then do whatever, and, well, you could come to practice too, if you wanted to."

He looked at him, stroking his back gently.

"I would eye you speculatively if I could," sighed Carlos. "What does doing "whatever" entail? Cause I can see that seriously cutting into homework time. But I'd like to come to practice, if you want me to."

James smiled and leaned in. "Well… probably some of this," he murmured, kissing Carlos' collarbone, "and some of this," he kissed his neck, trailing his tongue up to Carlos' ear, "and lots of this," he finished, giving Carlos a long, deep, passionate kiss. 

Carlos moaned and leaned back into the kiss, feeling his temperature rise and it was a moment before he could pull back. Not that he wanted to.

James drew back and tilted his head. "But yeah, if you think it'll be too hard to focus on homework when we're together, then you can just come to practice later."

He leaned back and waited for Carlos to decide, smiling.

"Hmmm? What? Homework? Fuck _that_."

Carlos sighed. "You have this sadistic streak, don't you? But no, I think I'm strong enough to resist your charms if you don't act all sexy and stuff."

James grinned. "I think I can try to focus on not being evil for about an hour, which should give us enough time to finish our homework. So you'll come then?"

He kissed the corner of his mouth.

Carlos refrained from answering that question as he could, then smiled. "I will be there, sure. Although if you keep being sexy and all lovey, I'm not gonna be able to let you go at all."

He wrapped his arms around James and hugged him. "I'm still a little in shock, so bear with me, okay?"

"So am I," James murmured into his neck. "And I don't wanna leave either but I really should."

He sighed softly and pressed a sweet kiss to Carlos' ear. "I'll see you soon, okay?" he whispered. He closed his eyes and breathed Carlos in, then reluctantly stood up with him.

"Ugh," sighed Carlos and nuzzled him. "Okay," he managed and slid off James' lap so he could stand up.

He took hold of James' shirt in both hands. "Don't change your mind, okay? Don't get home, start thinking and decide you can't do this, please, cause I'm really attached to you already, James."

He swallowed. "I shouldn't be, I know, but I am."

James looked down at him, touched. He cupped Carlos' cheeks and tilted his face up to his, kissing his lips. "I won't. I'm sure now. Okay?"

And he was. He was falling hard for Carlos and wasn't going to deny it anymore. He wouldn't change his mind about this; he just needed a little longer to come out in public. Come out. Wow. 

He blinked, then kissed Carlos' lips again and nuzzled him. "I'll see you tomorrow, all right?"

"Okay," whispered Carlos, needing to believe him, and finally letting him go after one more kiss. "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. In a manner of speaking."

He touched James's face. "Get home safe, all right?"

He paused and then put his hands on James' shoulders and stood on his toes to kiss his nose. "Night, James."

The fact that Carlos had to get up on his toes to kiss him was the cutest thing James had ever seen and he smiled, kissing Carlos' nose back. "I will. Night, Carlos."

He touched his face for another moment, then finally made himself step back. He rubbed Sydney's chin to say goodbye, then left the room, went downstairs and then home. He missed Carlos already and wondered when exactly his feelings for Carlos had changed so much.


	5. Chapter 5

James and Carlos spent all of their spare time together during the next week. They did manage to get their homework done sometimes; other times, they just snuggled and kissed. Sometimes, it grew pretty heated but they took things as slowly as they could. 

James no longer had any doubts about his feelings for Carlos; he already had a serious crush on him and every little thing Carlos did seemed to make him fall more in love with him. In school, however, they were friends. James wasn't quite there yet; not ready to announce that he had a boyfriend. But he knew sooner or later, he would be ready. 

For now, this worked well for both of them, James thought. 

Near the end of his last class that day, James was getting impatient and literally jumped up when the bell rang. He packed his stuff and made his way to Carlos' classroom, leaning against the doorway when most students were out already, but Carlos, Kendall and Logan were still there.

Carlos hadn't exactly _told_ Kendall or Logan that he and James were dating, but since they'd first spied the hickey, and noted that often, Carlos' lips were swollen and he looked, frankly, snogged, they'd figured it out. What they didn't quite get – or got, and didn't like – was that for all intents and purposes, James was not acting like he had a boyfriend. 

At all.

And although Carlos didn't say anything – obviously – Kendall was _not_ blind and had seen the look on Carlos' face when James would just casually saunter off after lunch or rehearsal or whatever.

And he thought it was bullshit. Total, utter and complete bullshit. If you liked someone, you liked them, and if you were ashamed of them, then get the fuck away from them and stay that way.

Carlos sensed James was there and looked up, giving him a little smile.

James smiled back and made his way over to them. "Ready to go?" he asked, nodding to Kendall and Logan, who were looking between Carlos and James.

Carlos nodded. "Yeah, almost," he murmured, and reached out to touch James' side, getting his front instead and leaving his hand there for a moment.

Kendall looked over at Logan, and then at Carlos' hand, firmly planted on James' shirt.

James blinked when Carlos' reached for him, but they were alone except for Kendall and Logan, so it was okay. He reached down and wrapped his fingers around Carlos' for a moment.

Logan raised a brow, watching this with extreme curiosity.

Carlos' fingers slid into James' and he squeezed, his smile lighting up his face. "Hi babe," he said happily. "I missed you."

Babe? Well then. Kendall sat back and watched James for some sign that he actually _was_ a real boyfriend.

James couldn't help smiling back when Carlos' face lit up that way; his smile was the most adorable thing in the world. "I missed you too," he said softly, ignoring Kendall and Logan who, he knew, were staring at him – or them. "That last class just wouldn't end, would it?" 

He sat down on the chair in front of Carlos, then kissed his hands lightly. 

Logan nudged Kendall and nodded at the door; they shouldn't stare and probably give them some privacy. 

"No, God, it took fucking forever," murmured Carlos, then brought James' hands to his face, rubbing his cheek against him, while Kendall nodded and clapped Carlos on the shoulder. "See you in the morning, dude, Jamie. Later."

"Bye," James said, glancing up briefly, then back at Carlos.

Kendall and Logan left, and Kendall closed the door after them and leaned against a locker. "Dude. Babe. Missed you."

"Yup," Logan said. "They're dating. That's great, though, isn't it?"

Kendall sighed. "It _is_ , except you'd never know it unless you saw them like that. In public, James doesn't act like Carlos is anything to him and I don't like that. Not that it's any of my business."

He sighed. "I just feel over-protective of Los, I guess. But James is there with him now, so I guess we should shove off."

Logan shrugged. "Give it time, Kendall. They can't have been seeing each other for more than a couple of weeks. Maybe they just wanna take things slow and focus on them first before they let the world know. I'm sure they both know what they're doing."

He shouldered his bag and headed with Logan down the hall, while inside the room, Carlos smooched James lightly. 

"Let's get out of here, all right?" James asked. "I'd rather kiss you in my bed than here on these uncomfortable chairs.” Sydney woofed, apparently approving, and James smiled as he touched Carlos' cheek, then stood up, shouldered his bag and leaned down to pet Sydney. "Hey you," he said, rubbing her chin. "Ready to get out of here too, huh?"

"I'd rather kiss you on your bed too," Carlos replied, still smiling. It was hard not to when James said stuff like that to him.

James smiled. "Good. Then let's get going, so I can kiss you lots."

When Carlos was ready, James put a hand on his back and led him out. The building was pretty much deserted, the way it always was when school had ended, so James kept his hand on Carlos' back as they walked first out of the school, then made their way home to James'.

Sydney knew the way to James' by now, and also, where he had the dog treats, and went immediately to that drawer in his room, waiting patiently. She could open it herself – and had – but was being polite and waiting for James.

Carlos pulled off his shoes and pants – yeah, pants – and flopped down on James' bed. "Come here, I need you."

James watched Carlos in amusement, then nodded. "One sec," he said, and made his way to the drawer to give Sydney not one but three treats before leaving her and moving over to the bed. He kicked off his shoes, then flopped down next to Carlos, kissing his shoulder. 

"Hi!" he said, wrapped his arm around Carlos' waist and rolling him onto his side to face him.

Carlos laughed. "You're spoiling her rotten, you know that," he said, and then let James pull him in and wrap himself around him.

"I do, but she's a good girl and deserves it."

"She is, but…"

Carlos snuggled in. "Mmm, Jamie," he whispered. He knew he was in love with James now – he was sure. He just hadn't told him yet, didn't know exactly how or when to, or if he even should.

James smiled and kissed his lips, tightening his arms around Carlos and pulling him close. "I really did miss you," he whispered, nuzzling him.

Carlos smiled back, tilting his head to kiss James, nuzzling him back. "Did you, yeah? I hate the classes I have without you. I just _know_ you're not there, and it just feels wrong."

"Me too," James sighed. "But fortunately, we only have a few of those. But yeah, it does feel wrong."

He kissed Carlos' nose, then his lips, looking into his eyes.

Carlos wondered what James saw when he actually did look into his eyes; he knew he was lucky in the sense that his eyes didn't look odd – he didn't wear sunglasses to hide them or anything. They looked, apparently, normal, except that… well, yeah.

He brushed his lips over James' and snuggled into him. "I feel like I wait all day for this," he whispered. "Just to feel you wrapped around me like this." 

"So do I," James said softly. "I do wait all day for this."

He kissed him gently a few times, stroking his hair. "How was school? Well, the classes we don't share, that is."

"It was all right… a couple of the teachers need to speak a little more clearly or put their stuff online cause some of the lectures are like, incomplete, but most of them have figured they can't mumble too much. And I'm finally pretty happy with Marius' songs – I took study hall and went and practiced with a couple of the other kids and it was okay. But I think way too much about the time we spend together."

Carlos rubbed James' neck and tugged on a strand of hair. 

"That sounds good," James said. "And I wanna hear you sing it soon, okay? As soon as you think you're ready." He kissed his nose. "I just really, really love your voice, so whenever you wanna sing to me – I'll take it."

He breathed him in. "Me too. I think about you all the time." 

"Whenever you want me to sing for you, I will," said Carlos, screwing up some courage. For some reason, singing in front of a ton of other people didn't faze him, but the thought of singing for James alone made him nervous. 

Maybe because he cared more about what James thought of him than anything else, really; he was in love with him.

He hadn't told him that yet. He wasn't sure how. And he kind of wanted to see if James would say it first.  
"Hmmm, later then," James murmured. He tilted Carlos' chin up and kissed him, deepening the kiss slowly and sighing softly; he'd been waiting for this since last night. 

Carlos swallowed. "Okay," he murmured, and slid his hands up James' body underneath his shirt, feeling the muscles flex when he did. He didn't know if James did that just for him or if it was instinct, but it always made him sigh.

He closed his eyes, kissing James back more intently, with more need now that they were alone, wrapped up in each other. 

James threw his leg over Carlos' and pulled him even closer, deepening the kiss, sliding his tongue along Carlos'. His heart was beating fast, the way it always did when he was with Carlos, and he brushed a light kiss over his nose when he drew back. He rubbed their noses together and sucked on his bottom lip. 

Carlos tangled his fingers in James' hair and slid his leg in between James', rubbing against him. Being with James just seemed to automatically turn him on, like he had no control over his body anymore. It just did what it did.

"Jamie," he murmured into his ear. "You feel so good." 

"You feel better," James whispered, smiling against his ear and nipping lightly on his earlobe as he pressed against him, rubbing as well. He swallowed hard and moaned into his ear, then tightened his arms around him as he kissed him again. 

Carlos smiled against his skin, and wondered when he and James might do more. So far they'd touched a lot, and come a few times, but nothing more and Carlos wasn't sure what else James wanted to do. Maybe nothing. Maybe this was enough.  
James wanted to do a lot more; he wanted to do everything, but he also didn't want to hurry into something he wasn't sure he was ready for. He'd had a lot of girlfriends and had done some things with them, but never gone all the way. And this was still new and exciting and he didn't want to rush things and wanted to actually take his time and get to know Carlos' body and figure out what he liked. They had time. 

He slid his hands under Carlos' t-shirt and felt his smile, and kissed his cheek. He nuzzled him and drew back, kissing his closed eyelids. 

Carlos loved it when James kissed his eyelids, loved just how soft and affectionate the touch was. He was still trying to place this James against the one that had been described to him on the ice by his father. Out there, his sweet boy was apparently one tough son of a bitch, and not a very nice person.

It had been kind of hard to reconcile, but apparently, it was so. 

James finally drew back and stroked Carlos' hair. "Did you tell Kendall and Logan about us?" he asked after a moment. Their looks hadn't escaped him and he was curious. 

Carlos looked up, out of habit and shook his head. "No," he said truthfully. "I haven't. You don't want anyone to know, so I didn't tell them. I don't know what they think, but I didn't tell them. I know I'm a secret."

James looked at him curiously. "I did say we could tell them," he reminded him softly. "Them and your family – for now. The rest later. And yeah, you are my perfect little secret that I'm not ready to share with anyone just yet."

He rubbed their noses together. "I think they suspect something anyway, though," he added. "They kind of had that look on their faces today. So we can tell them officially tomorrow, if you want, okay?" 

Carlos looked down. "Okay. They'll want to know why you're ashamed of me, though, so they might ask you that. So just be ready. You know how Kendall is."

He'd kind of like to know the answer to that too, although he was sure he wasn't gonna like it. 

James stared at him. "Carlos," he said softly. "I'm not ashamed of you. This isn't about being ashamed of anything at all. I only just recently figured out that I like boys – well, _a_ boy, and I'm just not ready for the whole world to know. I mean, this is a big thing, you know? It doesn't have anything to do with you personally. It's just something I need to be ready for." 

"Okay, so you're ready when you're ready."

Carlos touched his chest. "I guess when I like someone, I want everyone to know. I want them to be happy with me, I don't pretend everything is one way, when it's totally another way. I guess I don't see why admitting you like a boy is a big deal, unless you're trying to keep your options with girls open. I guess I can understand that, but I'd also know we're just fun for you. Not anything more."

He took a breath. "Guess it's the difference between someone who's okay with his sexuality and one who's not." 

James had a feeling, he wasn't going to be able to convince Carlos how much he meant to him and he hated that. Didn't Carlos feel how much he liked him when he kissed him? 

"I wouldn't spend all my time with someone who didn't mean a lot to me," he said quietly. "Carlos, I like you, and if you think this is just fun, then you haven't been paying much attention to the way I kiss and touch you. I…" He paused. "Maybe I'm not okay with my sexuality just yet. I just, I never even considered being with a boy before, you know? You've had a little more time to come to terms with this while before you, I've never even looked at another boy before. It's just, I just need a little more time. I want to share how much you mean to me with the world too, just not yet. I mean, screw everyone else. Shouldn't the fact that we like each other be the most important thing here?" 

"You're the one who asked if I'd told anyone, and I told you no, and why. That's all!"

Carlos took a breath. "I just need to know that this time is for you, for us, not because you're not sure, and not because you're ashamed. If you are, then tell me. _Tell_ me. I can take it. You can think I'm wonderful and amazing in private, and still not want the world to know you're dating the blind kid. Maybe you don't wanna deal with the fallout."

He shrugged. "I can tell that you care. I'm not stupid. I just hope someday you can care beyond four walls and a door that locks."

Carlos took a breath. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," he said quietly. "It makes me sad and I don't want to be sad." 

"It's not because I'm not sure or because I'm ashamed," James said firmly. "It isn't. I promise. I just need more time, Carlos. It's only been a week. And it doesn't have anything to do with you being blind. I would need time too, if you weren't."

He swallowed hard and touched his hip. "Can we just enjoy this and not argue? I don't want to make you sad."

He tilted his chin up and kissed his lips. "I want to make you happy and I'm working hard on getting to the point where I _can_ make you happy, all the time. Okay? I promise, I'm not gonna make you wait forever." 

"You do make me happy. I just… forget it. Let's just, yeah, enjoy this. It's only been a week."

James looked at Carlos and touched his face gently, wishing there was some way he could show Carlos that this was just going to take a little while; that it really wouldn't be forever. He couldn't believe Carlos actually thought he would want to hide him. He really didn't. All he needed was some more time to come to terms with the fact that he was dating a boy now, that was all. 

He finally kissed him, and Carlos took a breath and returned the kiss then, slowly, gently, pressing close to James again, trying to push everything else out of his mind. 

James pulled him close, losing himself in that deep, passionate kiss, and spent the next few hours showing Carlos that he meant _so_ much to him and that things were going to be all right. He felt that by the end of the night, Carlos finally believed him.

• • •

A month later, they were still a secret. In public, they were friends, nothing more, and in private, they still hadn't gone any further than the night they'd talked about Carlos being a secret.

At the end of that night, Carlos had been convinced that this was pretty temporary, been okay with waiting, wanting things to be right for James. He had understood needing to get used to a new aspect of yourself, and since he had James' affection whenever they were alone – or with family – he'd been okay.

He _had_ told Kendall and Logan – Kendall, for his part, had been a little skeptical about James' intentions, but had kept it to himself; but as the weeks passed with no change, he started to get a little pissed on Carlos's part, until finally, he didn't say much more to James than he actually had to, mostly on the ice.

He told Logan in private that if James _was_ dicking around with Carlos' feelings, he was gonna rearrange Pretty Boy's face and all the Diamond Cosmetics in the world weren't gonna help after that.

Kendall was hanging with Carlos at rehearsal; Carlos' scenes were over for the day, and Kendall had just heard Carlos sing, and was still knocked out. They were waiting for James now, and when the scene was over, James came towards them with a bunch of people in his wake. 

James flopped down next to Carlos and Kendall and smiled. "You were pretty amazing today," he said to Carlos, smiling, then nodded at Kendall who had been pretty much ignoring him for a couple of weeks. He wasn't entirely sure why, but didn't think much of it.

He looked up at the group who'd joined them, talking and laughing with them. When they left, he sighed heavily. "Is it bad that I still wish Matt's gonna break a leg and let me take over the main part? It is, isn't it?"

He sighed, then turned to Carlos. "Wanna go home? You're done too, right?" 

Kendall had been watching; couples that had met during the play and were dating had been touching each other, holding hands or arms around shoulders, but James had dropped down next to Carlos like he had just met him.

And he could tell Carlos was aware; that boy might not be able to see out of those two irises, but man, there was not much that he missed. When the group moved on, after making plans to go out tomorrow night after practice, Kendall looked at James, shaking his head.

Carlos looked down at his hands. "Yeah, I'm done."

He picked at his fingernails, and Kendall nibbled his lip. "I'm gonna go hang out outside," he said diplomatically. "Los, if you need a walk home, you know where I always am."

He slid down off the stage and looked at James before slinging his backpack over his shoulder and leaving. 

James watched Kendall leave with a frown, then looked at Carlos and touched his thigh lightly. "What was that all about?" he asked, puzzled by Kendall's behavior lately. 

Carlos was quiet for a moment, then rubbed his nose. "I guess Kendall wants to make sure I get home okay. Considering that there are still people around, people who might actually notice that we were together outside of school and he knows you can't have that."

He looked up. "I mean, hell, it's been five, almost six weeks, and no one can know yet, so…" He shrugged, then reached for his backpack. "He's there to protect your heterosexual image. God forbid you walk me home and hold my hand or anything. Someone might see."

Carlos slid off the stage, beside Sydney who had come to his side, nosing him. 

James watched Carlos and sighed inwardly. He knew he needed a little more time than he'd initially expected but it wasn't like he wasn't trying. He just wasn't ready yet. 

He slid off the stage and followed Carlos. "Baby," he said softly, touching his arm. "I've walked you home countless times, it's no big deal. And I know I said I'd be ready soon but I will be. Soon. I promise."

He bit his lip and had a feeling that he needed to come up with better explanations for his hesitation to tell everyone he was with Carlos. He couldn't even explain it to himself. Maybe part of him was worried that his mother wouldn't approve; she knew he and Carlos were friends but he hadn't found the right time to tell her about them being in a relationship (which was more her fault than his, really, since she was never around) and another part was worried about his popularity. Which was a shallow thing to be worried about, he knew, but he couldn't help it. 

His biggest problem, however, was that he was simply scared. He was afraid of telling everyone he liked a boy. He knew how people often reacted to same-sex couples and he wasn't naive enough to believe that everything would be easy. And while part of it was that he was protecting himself – he was also protecting Carlos. He didn't really get much shit from other people because of his blindness but there were still some people who were being assholes from time to time and James didn't want him to have to deal with that on top of everything else. 

He squeezed Carlos' arm gently. "Carlos…" 

Carlos stood there. "I wish I could believe that," he said softly. "I have tried to look at it all different ways. I've listened to your reasons, I've thought about them, and for a while, it was enough. But the weeks drag on, and if you're not ready now, you're just not gonna be."

He looked up to where he knew James' face was. "I think you're just not ready to not be who you've always been. I think your image of yourself, and what you think others think of you trumps anything you might feel for me. I think I am your secret, but not a good one anymore. Now I'm just a dirty kind of secret. And I'm not willing to be that."

Carlos swallowed. "I'm not gonna give you an ultimatum. I'm not gonna say it's you tell people, or me. I'm just gonna walk away now and save you the trouble of accepting yourself as you are. I… I care about you so much, but you still care about yourself and your image more than you do about me. So take care, James. Dana has her eye on you – she's beautiful and talented and she'd make a great girlfriend, so you'll have someone to kiss at the afterparty, too." 

James' face fell and he stared at Carlos. "Are… are you breaking up with me?" he asked, shocked. This was the point where he would normally start shrieking and telling the person who was breaking up with him that they would hate themselves later, but right now, he was just shocked and felt an odd kind of panic wash over him at the thought of not having Carlos anymore. 

"But Carlos, _please_ ," he said, unable to believe that they could just go from this to nothing. 

"No," said Carlos, his voice dropping, becoming a little shaky. "I can't break up with someone who was never really with me, can I? It's easy to love someone in their room, on their bed, when no one's around. It's another thing to love them when the lights are up. And you never said you loved me anyway, so I guess we're spared that. You don't love me, so this shouldn't be so hard."

He was biting his lip now, hard, trying not to cry. "I guess now is when I should say break a leg, James," he whispered. "Maybe in two weeks, I'll hear your voice in the lead… to the front, and four steps to the left."

He tugged on Sydney then, on her harness and she whined and turned, pulling him away, down the aisle. 

James opened his mouth, then closed it, still too much in shock to say what he should be saying right now – that he did love Carlos, that he couldn't lose him, that he would tell people – or anything else for that matter. When Carlos walked away, he swallowed hard. "Carlos!" he called but Carlos didn't turn around and left the room without another word or look back. 

James swallowed hard and stared at the closed door, feeling empty. 

He wasn't sure how long he stood there but when he finally snapped out of his trance and left, it was already dark outside and Carlos was long gone. 

James took a deep breath and rubbed his face, feeling lost. What was he supposed to do now? The only thing he'd been able to really count on for the past weeks was Carlos, but now he'd lost him and despite the fact that he'd been aware of how much Carlos meant to him; that he loved him, even, he was still surprised that losing him was hitting him this hard. 

Maybe he deserved this. Maybe he really had been a shitty boyfriend, though James still couldn't quite see what was so bad about wanting to take things slowly. In some way, he did see Carlos' point. Maybe it did look like he was hiding him – but he wasn't! Not on purpose anyway. 

And now it was too late. He'd lost him. Carlos had said this wasn't an ultimatum. Nothing he could do right now would change the fact that he'd hurt Carlos; that he'd disappointed him, just like James had initially feared he would. He'd done the one thing he'd wanted to avoid. And Carlos wasn't going to take him back, no matter how much he begged. Carlos had made that perfectly clear. 

Maybe he'd never deserved Carlos in the first place. Carlos deserved someone so much better than him, so maybe it was all for the better. But it still hurt so fucking much. 

Carlos had heard James call his name and just wanted to turn around and run back down the now well-known aisle and throw himself on James, but he couldn't. He knew this was the right thing to do, and knew finally, exactly what his father meant by 'the right thing isn't the easy or fun thing to do.'

Cause this _sucked_.

Carlos had cried silently all the way home; Kendall had wrapped his arm around him and walked him home, got him inside and hugged him for a while, till Carlos wanted to be alone, and then left, wanting to kill James at first, then sighing and thinking that Diamond was probably not doing too well right now either.

He thought of stopping by, but finally just called, never sure of what he'd find.

He dialed James' number and waited, sitting outside McDonald's, where he was sucking down a huge milkshake. 

James reached for his phone and picked up without even looking at the display, assuming it was Carlos. 

"Hello?" he asked, his voice sounding a little rough. 

"Hey, James," said Kendall softly. "Look, I was just checking in on you, not trying to tie up your line or anything, but I figure you're hurting and I'm just sorry, is all." 

"Oh," James said, sounding a little disappointed when it was Kendall, not Carlos. "Why are you sorry? Weren't you waiting for this to happen?"

He rubbed his face and leaned back; he was in bed, even though it was barely 7. 

"No," said Kendall, accepting the disappointment. "I wasn't waiting, I was expecting, but not waiting. I wouldn't wait for people I care about to feel like shit."

He paused. "Look James, I was pissed that you kept Carlos a secret, but I kind of got it… for a while. But it went on too long, James. It started to really get to him. I'm sorry this happened, but no one wants to feel like the other person is too worried or ashamed to be seen with him. It was starting to affect his confidence, and that's what pissed me off. Didn't you see that? Or did you only see yourself, Jamie?"

He sounded a little sad. "Do you ever see anyone but yourself?" 

"Of course I see him. And I know it was bothering him for a while but he didn't say anything, and I just figured he understood and was giving me the time I needed," James said. "And I wasn't trying to hide him or keep him a secret, I just needed _time_. Why does no one seem to get that?"

He swallowed hard. "I fucking love him, okay? I've just never been in an actual relationship before, especially not with a boy, and I clearly suck at it, and I just didn't want to tell everyone we're together and then do something stupid, the way I always seem to, and scare him off. I just…"

He swallowed hard a couple of times and rubbed his eyes. 

"How much time were you going to need? You two were together all the time, were all over each other when it was kind of private, but in public, nothing. He didn't want you to not have time, James. He wondered how long it was gonna take. And I guess maybe it took too long, so… you don't suck, James. You didn't scare him."

Kendall sighed. "All he wanted was for you to be with him James, all the time. He wanted you to accept him publicly. He wanted you to love him the way he loves you." 

James swallowed hard. "This isn't helping," he said. "It's too late now, so it's not like everything can be magically fixed, so if you only called to list all the things I did wrong – thanks, but I don't need that. I know I fucked up, so I don't need you to tell me the same things I've been thinking about ever since he dumped me. And I don't know how much time I would've needed; that isn't exactly the kind of thing you can plan in advance. So just drop it, Kendall, there's no point. I fucked up and it's over now, so I have to accept that."  
"I didn't call to tell you you fucked up. I just… I'm sorry it happened. That's all. And it might not be over. I don't know. He loves you. But whatever, I'm hanging up now and I'll leave you alone."

Kendall hung up and leaned against cold brick, then picked himself up and went home. He had told Carlos to call him if he needed to, but didn't expect to hear from him tonight. And he didn't. 

James cried a lot that night. He'd never cried over a girl before but he'd never really cared about any of the girls he'd dated either. He did care about Carlos, though, and losing him felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest.

He spent the next week moping. He was in a mood and people seemed to pick up on that pretty quickly and stayed away from him, which he was grateful for. He saw Carlos in class and in the hall but he tried to avoid looking at him because it hurt, or getting too close to him because he didn't want Carlos to smell him and… well, hurt. 

He missed him, though, horribly. Whenever he spotted him from afar, he longed to be close to him again, but he knew that wasn't going to happen. 

Eventually, he realised that he needed to stop thinking about Carlos, at least until after the hockey game that weekend. It was an important game and he needed to focus; there was no time for boy drama.


	6. Chapter 6

"Dad, I don't want to go." 

This, for the twelfth time since yesterday. "The last thing I want to do is to go to a game that my ex is playing in."

Carlos couldn't say James' name – it was bad enough that he had to listen to his brothers say it, ask him about it, talk about it as though he wasn't right there. 

"This isn't about him – Kendall and Logan are playing, they both wanted you to be there, and you said you would be. And your brothers won't go without you, and they deserve to be able to go."

Danny took his shoulders. "He won't… it won't be an issue. Come on, Los. Keep your promise."

So that's how Carlos came to be at arena on a Saturday night, a week before the play opened, praying that James wouldn't be so awesome that he had to hear his name every other play.

Kendall spotted him in the stands and made his way up before the game to say hey and thank him for coming, and assured him Logan was waving from goal. Carlos summoned a smile for him, wished him good luck, gave him a sportsman-like hug.

But he missed James palpably. That hug was the first time he'd touched anyone in almost ten days – even his brothers had been told to leave him alone, and had.

He'd gone from hours of cuddling every day to nothing. And for what? So James was closeted. Maybe it was too much to expect him to just come out like it was nothing. And so what if they didn't hold hands in the hall? He had Sydney and his bags and who needed one more thing to keep track of?

He sat there and wrapped his scarf around him cause it was fucking cold, and then realized it was James' scarf, and it still smelled like him. 

James had been training pretty much non-stop, even skipping musical practice on Tuesday, where he wasn't really needed in the first place, considering he was just in the background and no one heard him. 

Okay, that wasn't entirely true cause his voice was about ten times louder than anyone else's, but still. Hockey was more important right now, so he'd focused on that for the past week. 

The game was about to start and James was already on the ice, getting ready to kick some ass. His mood hadn't really improved at all and the other team should beware cause he wasn't going to hold back tonight. 

Kendall took his place on James' left side in the circle and tapped his stick against his, nodding to him from under his visor.

"Fuck them up," he mouthed at James. 

James gave him a smirk and nodded; he was planning on it. 

Kendall looked up to where Carlos was sitting, and then back down, seeing James' eyes follow his to the stands. James' smile faltered when he saw him. 

What was he doing here? Hockey wasn't really his thing, so why had he come here?

James then noticed the rest of Carlos' family and thought that the kids must've probably insisted on seeing the game and the parents didn't want to leave Carlos at home. Or he was here for Kendall and Logan. What other reason could there be?

He blinked, then looked down and took a breath, trying to focus on the game when it started a second later. This wasn't the time to let Carlos distract him – or hope that he had come to see _him_. Because he most definitely hadn't. 

From the first moments, the game was fierce, intense, and every goal was fought for. Carlos didn't get his wish to not hear the name though, cause James was on fire, and he and Kendall were either making goals or assisting, and Carlos could only listen to the screaming, the slapping of sticks against ice, and the horns when a goal was scored.

He sat there during intermission – Sydney was home and he didn't feel like moving anyway – while his brothers went down to where the players would come out and hung over the rail, waiting for James. 

James spotted the boys and smiled, skating over to them and taking off his helmet. "Hey guys! Having fun?"

He got off the ice and moved away from the exit, smiling down at them.

"Jamie!" Alle patted his head. "Wet. Hi! You're awesome!"

Joey ducked in under his brother. "Are you gonna get in another fight? Kendall gets in fights. He keeps getting penalties and power plays so you can get goals!"

He beamed at him, and then looked up. "Los wouldn't come down. Sydney's at home, she don't like crowds, so he decided to stay there. We told him what was happenin', though, so he knows you're all awesome."

Alle butted in. "Are you gonna come back and be his friend? He's lonely. He don't talk to anyone, really, and he's sad. He wasn't sad when you were there, Jamie. You should come back, okay? Will you?"

Both twins looked at him hopefully, and Danny sighed, wrapping his arms around them before giving James a 'sorry, you know how they are' kind of look. 

It hurt to hear that Carlos wasn't doing well, but at the same time, it also gave James some hope. If Carlos missed him that much, maybe there was a chance…

But no, there probably wasn't. He shouldn't get his hopes up.

He bit his lip. "It's not that easy," he told the twins after glancing at Danny briefly. "It's a grown-up thing, you know? But…" He hesitated. "Tell him I said hi, all right?"

He ruffled their hair. "Gotta go get ready for the game now, but I'll talk to you guys soon, maybe after the game, okay? And maybe I can come babysit you again at some point."

The twins just looked at him, then said "Okay," in little voices before Danny pulled them back and said "Good luck, James – you guys are killing it out there," and took the twins off to buy souvenirs.

James gave them a smile, then nodded at Danny before he disappeared to drink some water and prepare for the rest of the game. Before he did, he glanced to where Carlos was sitting briefly, then told himself to focus. He was doing well; he couldn't stop focusing on the game now. 

Carlos was sliding the cashmere fringe of the scarf through his fingers and trying to concentrate on the sensation of the fabric, not who had worn it last, but he finally couldn't help burying his face in it.

The second half of the game was as hard-fought as the first, but in the end – overtime – Champlin pulled it out, with James with the final, winning goal, Kendall with the assist, 5-4. The boys were jumping around and screaming, and Carlos briefly wished he were deaf too, or deaf instead, but then felt bad and hugged them cause they were excited.

When the crowd had thinned a little, he got up with his dad and let him take the twins down first, stepping carefully, hoping he didn't fall down the steps, when he was bumped into – rather roughly – by someone big.

Danny and the twins were fairly far ahead of them now and Carlos held onto the railing. 

"Watch where the fuck you're going, little man," came a voice from somewhere above and to the right of him. "You ran right the hell into me."

"Sorry, sorry. You go, sorry."

"Sorry? You're sorry for nearly knocking me down? What are you, blind? Lots of blind people around, like the fucking ref, that dickwad, and…"

"Ah." Carlos knew he should just shut up, but he felt pissy, angry, emotional. "Our ref isn't blind – your team just sucked. And I do happen to be blind, but even I knew you guys bit."

"What did you just say?" the guy asked, apparently choosing to ignore the part about Carlos being blind and stepping closer to him, staring at him threateningly. Sensing a scene, other people stopped walking out and gathered around; some from their school, some from the other one. 

After the game, James had gone inside to change into his regular clothes; he would shower later and now came out because he'd promised the kids he'd see them later, so he just wanted to say hi again. 

When he came out, he noticed a crowd and frowned as he approached it. 

Carlos took a breath; he kind of hoped the guy would take a swing at him, cause if Carlos connected, the other guy would feel it. He might be little, but he wasn't weak.

"I said," he said slowly. "That you guys sucked. You were outplayed and had no game. Your goalie doesn't know his ass from his elbow and with all the high stick calls, it's no wonder; all your fucking sense has been knocked out of you. You got your asses handed to you. Fucking deal with it."

Danny was trying to get back up the stairs, and the twins were pushing past people to see what was gonna happen.

The guy was a lovely shade of purple – it would later be described as eggplant in nature – and he started out with "You little fucker, I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Come on then," said Carlos, who no longer cared. "Hit the blind kid, that's classy."

The guy didn't seem to care, and pulled off his jacket, drawing his arm back to throw a punch. 

James' eyes widened when he heard Carlos' voice – what was he _doing_ , was he _trying_ to get punched? Either way, Carlos' voice made him move faster; he pushed through the crowd angrily, managing to push people out of the way. "Hey!"

The guy didn't hear him him and was just about ready to punch Carlos. 

"Hey!" he yelled when he reached the center of the crowd and stepped in front of Carlos, holding an arm in front of him protectively and glaring at the guy. "What do you think you're doing?"

Carlos stumbled back a little when there was suddenly a body in front of him, and even before James opened his mouth, he knew who it was. 

He knew his sweat, even.

The guy snapped, "He's asking for it, did you fucking hear him?"

"That doesn't give you the fucking right to punch him – especially considering he was right," James shot back, his voice nearly a growl.

The guy looked like he was going to hit James instead now, and James just narrowed his eyes at him. "Go ahead. I dare you."

He smiled, and must've looked somewhat intimidating because the guy seemed to change his mind and lowered his arm. 

James smiled sweetly. "Didn't think so. Now get the fuck away from my boyfriend and get the hell out of here."

He reached for Carlos' arm. "Come on," he said softly, and guided him down the stairs; people seemed stunned and moved aside to let them pass. When they'd reached the bottom of the stairs, James let out a breath and turned to Carlos, hands on his arms. "Are you okay?" 

Only the thought of James maybe getting hurt had initially kept Carlos from opening his mouth again, but then James said the word.

The Word. The word he wanted to hear had just came out of the mouth of the only person he wanted to hear it _from_.

There were some murmurs around them, but all Carlos could feel was James' hand on his arm and his voice still in his ears.

At the bottom, off to the side, Carlos swallowed. "Yes," he whispered, then added. "I… you forgot your scarf at my house."

His mind was spinning and he leaned against the wall.

James only just noticed the scarf and shook his head. "That's fine," he said softly. "You can keep it."

He swallowed hard, hands still on Carlos' arms. "Are you sure you're okay? He didn't hurt you, did he? Cause I swear I'm gonna go fuck up his face if he did." 

"I'm okay. I should be part of the concrete right now, but no, I'm fine."

Carlos swallowed hard. "You called me your boyfriend," he whispered. "You said I was, in front of a shit ton of people, James. Do you… are you?"

His voice was heartbreakingly hopeful and Danny, who had finally gotten over to them, sized up the situation and pulled the twins back, telling them to give the older boys a moment.

"Jamie. Are you my boyfriend?" 

James hadn't even realised he'd said that; he'd just done it instinctively, but now he remembered and he was close to Carlos again, and what did it matter what anyone else thought anyway? If anyone was going to give them shit for it, James could defend himself and Carlos both. Suddenly, nothing he'd been worried about before seemed to matter. 

He glanced down for a moment and shrugged. "I don't know," he said softly. "Am I? You broke up with me."

He tightened his hands around Carlos' a little. "But if you're asking me whether I'd like to be, then… yes. Yes, I would." 

"I didn't want to," Carlos whispered. "I just wanted you to love me all the time, but then I realized you did and I was… I'm sorry. I miss you. I want you, Jamie. I want to be yours and I want you to be mine. Even if it's just between us, I want you back."

His voice quavered a little. "I love you." 

James' breath hitched and he slid his hands up Carlos' arms and shoulders to cup the sides of his neck. "I'm sorry I was such an asshole," he said softly. "I was really inconsiderate and only thought about myself, Kendall was right. I thought I needed time but I didn't, really. All I wanted was to be with you, and when I lost you…"

He trailed off and tilted Carlos' chin up. "I don't want to hide you, not anymore. I never really did. Keeping this a secret was never about you, or me being ashamed of you, just about my own stupid little insecurities."

He leaned in and closed his eyes as he brushed a kiss over Carlos' lips. "I love you too," he whispered against his lips. "And I miss you, and being without you hurts. So if you'll take me back then - I'd like that." 

Carlos listened to all this, feeling James' hands on him, and sliding his own hands up to cover his, touching his fingers again, stroking them, and then closing his eyes as he was kissed.

"I want you back," he whispered. "I miss you, and all I do is think about you, and I just wanna love you. I don't give a damn about anything else – just come home with me, get in the shower, in my bed and let me hold you, please."

He reached up to touch James' face. "Tell me you love me again?" 

James nodded. "Okay," he murmured. He didn't feel like partying; even if this hadn't happened, James probably would've gone home rather than to a party, but now he had better plans. Way better. 

At Carlos' request, he smiled. He kissed his cheek and ear, then whispered, "I love you, and I'm not gonna let you go again."

He hugged him and held him for a long moment, then reluctantly drew back. "I'm just gonna go grab my stuff, all right? Your dad and the kids are right there, so just give me a moment."

He kissed his lips briefly, then left to get his things. 

Carlos nodded, and wiped his eyes clumsily, even though his smile could have lit the entire arena, and as James kissed him, then left, Kendall nudged Logan from the other side and smiled. This was what he wanted to see.

He made his way over to Carlos and took his shoulder. "See? He does love you," he murmured, then gave him a brief hug and moved on to mess with the twins for a moment, who were getting a little bored with all the mush.

Carlos managed to get himself together by the time James came back and reached for his hand. 

James wrapped his fingers around Carlos' and smiled a little. "Ready to go?" he asked, ignoring everyone's stares. "Do you want to come back to my place? We'd be alone, so…"

He trailed off, not sure what exactly he was insinuating. He didn't mind going to Carlos' house; he missed his family and didn't mind being around the kids at all, but some time alone with Carlos also sounded nice to him. 

Carlos couldn't deny that his heart flipped over when James said they could be alone. He wasn't entirely sure what it meant, either, but all he wanted to do was to be held; he had to touch James again, learn him all over again.

"That would be good," he said, finally. "Dad?"

"I don't mind," said Danny softly. "James will take good care of you. Call if you need a ride, otherwise I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay Dad, thank you."

He reached for his father to give him a hug and was piled on by two brothers who had decided the siege was over and they wanted attention too.

James watched Carlos and smiled, then accepted hugs from the kids as well, nuzzling them. "I'll see you soon, all right? Now I'll definitely come over again."

He smiled at them, then waited for Carlos to say goodbye and reached for his hand. His stomach fluttered a little when they walked to the parking lot where his car stood, ignoring people's curious looks. That would take some getting used to. But hey, he'd wanted to be the center of attention, and now he was. 

He opened the door for Carlos and made sure he got in safely, then walked to the other side and got in as well. When the door was closed, he took a breath and looked over at Carlos, reaching over to touch the back of his neck lightly. He didn't say anything because he was a little overwhelmed but hoped that Carlos could finally feel how much he loved him and how happy he was to have him back.

Carlos felt a mix of different emotions rolling off James and he understood – he felt the same way. He smiled at the light touch on the neck, and closed his fingers around James' as they set off for home.

He knew they'd gotten looks – and whispers – and that word would spread. He didn't care who knew about him – he wasn't ashamed. He was far prouder that James had publicly called him his boyfriend, then told him he loved him.

 _That_ made him shiver just to think about.

At James' house, it was silent, which it never was at his own house, and he could feel James' every move acutely in the quiet. 

James kept his hand wrapped around Carlos' as he led him into the house. When they were inside, he dropped his bag and led Carlos into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and drank about half of it before setting it down and pulling Carlos towards him. 

He touched his cheeks and looked at him before wrapping his arms around him and pulling Carlos against him, holding him close. He buried his face in his neck and breathed him in, closing his eyes. "I missed you so much." 

Carlos slid his arms around James too, and pressed his face into his shoulder, closing his eyes. "I missed you too," he whispered. "So, so much and I'm sorry I pushed you. I should have just left it alone, cause being without you was really, really hard and sad." 

"It was," James whispered. "But maybe it was what I needed to finally be ready, you know?"

He touched Carlos' cheeks and tilted his chin up. He leaned in to kiss him, then stopped himself, knowing that once he started, he wouldn't be able to stop. "I should take a quick shower. I probably smell rather strongly, and do you wanna eat something?" 

"Maybe," Carlos admitted, then smiled. "You stink, but it's kind of hot in its own way. Manly sweat, you know? But maybe a shower; no cologne though, okay? I just wanna smell you."

He paused. "Food, yeah... I don't think I've eaten much of anything this week, so yeah, I am a little hungry. Order pizza or something?" 

James grinned. "All right, I can do that."

He kissed his forehead. "And pizza sounds great."

He grabbed the phone off the counter, ordered pizza, then took Carlos' hand. "Wanna come with me or stay in my room while I shower?" 

"I definitely want to come in with you, but if I do, I will jump you and no one will get any pizza," said Carlos, nodding. "So I should probably just stay in your room, safe from temptation. After pizza though? I make no promises."

He paused. "Like I said, I missed you." 

James laughed and kissed his temple as he took him upstairs. "I would be severely disappointed if you didn't jump me," he murmured. He cupped Carlos' cheeks and kissed him gently, then drew back. "All right, get comfortable and I'll be with you in ten."

Carlos had been in his room before, and the first time, James had shown him everything; let him touch stuff, so he could figure out where everything was, so James knew Carlos would find the bed without a problem. 

He watched him for a moment, then went into the bathroom for his shower. 

Carlos could find James' bed in a mattress store, just by scent alone; he couldn't explain it to a sighted person, but James was just embedded in him that way, and nothing could deter that. He toed off his shoes and pulled off his coat, unwinding the scarf and leaving them both on the desk chair, and was briefly glad he'd showered, if not shaved.

He lay back on James' bed, closing his eyes as he took deep breaths to calm the butterflies in his stomach. 

After his shower, James dried his hair quickly and pulled on sweatpants and a t-shirt, and was about to go into his room when the doorbell rang, announcing the arrival of their pizza. He sighed. "Be right back."

He ran downstairs, got the pizza, paid and tipped the delivery guy, then made his way back into his room, closing the door before he sat down on the bed next to Carlos. 

Carlos smiled for him and then sniffed. "Oh God yes," he sighed and reached for a slice. "My passion for you is greater, but this pizza smells pretty damn good."

He grabbed a napkin and moved his leg over to press against James', just needing that contact. 

James smiled. "Good to know I'm still better than pizza."

He kissed his cheek, then wrapped an arm around Carlos and leaned back with him as he reached for a slice too and started eating. He couldn't keep his eyes off Carlos. 

"Much better, but if I wasn't so in love, this pizza might give you a run for your money," said Carlos, then leaned back, safe in James' arm. "Pardon my werewolfiness," he added. "Didn't know I'd be saved by a knight on skates tonight or I might have shaved."

He rested his head on James' shoulder, breathing him in. 

James smiled, then leaned in and rubbed his cheek against Carlos' slightly scruffy chin. "I like it. You look great."

Carlos smiled and flushed a little at the compliment – he had to take James' word for it, but he sounded sincere.

And hot. And loving.

James stroked the back of Carlos' head as they ate their pizza in silence; the TV was on but the volume low. 

When they were done, James set the empty pizza box aside, then rolled onto his side and pulled Carlos into his arms, looking at him. "Hi." 

Carlos wiped his hands and face, and crawled into James' arms, taking a deep breath before nestling in. "Hi," he whispered back, stroking his cheek. "Hi, my pretty boy."

James smiled and leaned in, brushing his lips over Carlos'. He closed his eyes and sighed softly, feeling literally relieved to have Carlos in his arms again. He tilted his head and deepened the kiss slowly, reconnecting, his arms tightening around Carlos. 

Carlos slid his hand down to the small of James' back and pressed him against him, kissing him back just as slowly, letting their bodies take their time, needing this.

The first night he'd gotten into bed with no hugs or kisses, he'd been okay. You know, stuff happened. He was fine.

The second night? Slightly less fine. Okay, but yeah.

By the third night, he'd literally felt withdrawal and his eyes had been red and sore the next morning from the tears, and after that? It had been all over. He hadn't been tear-free for more than a few hours since, and this, being here again, just felt like coming home. 

After a moment, James drew back to take a breath, then tugged gently on Carlos' t-shirt until the other boy lifted his arms and let him take it off. He brushed his fingers over Carlos' ribs and stroked his stomach gently before reaching for his own shirt and pulling it off as well. Then he wrapped his arm around Carlos' waist and kissed him again, his hand gently stroking Carlos' back as he slid his tongue into his mouth, deepening the kiss and making a soft sound in his throat at the feel of Carlos' half-naked body pressed against his. 

How he'd survived without this for over a week, he'd never know. 

Mmm, half-naked James was a wonderful thing, thought Carlos, and pressed against him, sliding his hand into James' hair – he'd missed that hugely – and kissing him back, losing himself in the feelings James caused in him. 

James kissed him a little harder, his hand still gently moving up and down Carlos' back. After a moment, he slid it down to Carlos' ass and squeezed it lightly, pulling him flush against him. 

He brushed his tongue against Carlos' teasingly as he pressed their hips together, and could feel Carlos' erection through his pants. He was hard too; of course he was, since he was this close to Carlos again for the first time after such a long separation. 

It was hard to be around James without being hard to be honest; Carlos only managed that sometimes and right now was not one of those times. He thrust a little against James, unable to help himself. It felt too good.

James pressed kisses to Carlos' neck and collarbone, sucking lightly on it and dipping his tongue into the hollow between them. He licked a stripe up his throat, sucking on his Adam's apple teasingly before rolling fully on top of Carlos, their bodies pressed together. 

A soft moan escaped him when he kissed him again, hips grinding against Carlos'. It had been too long, and he couldn't hold back anymore. 

Carlos moaned and gripped James tighter, savoring the feel of his tongue on hot skin, and he pushed back, his groin filled with heat.

"Baby," whispered Carlos against James' hair. "God, I really, really want you. I've been thinking about it, and I just… I do. I want all of you." 

James' breath caught in his throat and he swallowed hard, rubbing his cheek against Carlos' slightly scruffy one. "Are you sure?" he whispered. He wanted more too; of course he did. He'd been thinking about it a lot too. 

"I am," whispered Carlos back. "I want my first time to be with someone I love, and I can't imagine loving anyone else the way I love you."

He kissed James' ear. "If you want me, that is." 

James smiled and pressed his hips against Carlos. "Does this feel like I don't want you?"

He sucked on his earlobe, then drew back and took off his pants. He opened Carlos', making sure to brush his cock when he pulled his down as well. Then he slid back on top of him, kissing his neck and jaw and running his hands down Carlos' sides, touching as much of him as he could reach; their bare chests pressed together. 

"No," admitted Carlos. "Feels like you could come any second, actually. But don't… not yet."

He sighed when James brushed against him and then wrapped an arm around him, reaching for the waistband of James' boxers and tugging at the fabric. 

James smiled. "Impatient?"

"No, what makes you think that?" Carlos was breathing heavily as he fumbled against the fabric, only to have his fingers brush hot skin as James stripped himself, then him. 

James swallowed hard, staring down at Carlos, taking all of him in and sighing in admiration. He was beyond beautiful and James' heart was racing when he realised that Carlos was his again; that he'd get to touch him whenever he wanted. He leaned in and kissed Carlos' stomach and chest gently as he came back up and captured his lips in a heated kiss. "Mmhh…" 

Carlos closed his eyes and slid his hand down to wrap around James, shivering despite the heat when James' lips drifted over his skin, then closed over his own.

James moaned into the kiss when Carlos touched him; nothing had ever felt this great before. He slid his tongue into Carlos' mouth, the kiss hot and wet, as he trailed his fingers down Carlos' chest and stomach, brushing his thighs gently before wrapping them around his cock and stroking him firmly. 

Carlos slid his leg over James' hip and deepened the kiss till he felt like he was inside James, surrounded by him. Everything else faded away when they kissed like this, although never before had it felt this intense.

James kept moving his hand on Carlos' cock, listening to his little gasps and moans as he tightened his fingers around it and brushed his thumb over the already-leaking head. He nuzzled Carlos and sucked on his earlobe, then let out a breath as he let go of Carlos' cock and reached into his bedside table, taking out a condom and lube. 

His hands were shaking a little because he couldn't quite believe this was actually happening, finally – and neither could Carlos, but he was so excited, so aroused that he found that his hands were literally shaking too, and he had to take a deep breath and then let it out slowly.

He sighed when James took his hand off his cock, and felt James' breath again.

"You okay?" he whispered, licking his jaw. 

"Yeah," James whispered. "Just… first time and all, you know? A little bit nervous."

He kissed Carlos' cheek and his chin. "Do you want to… I mean, how do you want… to do this?" he whispered against his lips. 

"Me too," whispered Carlos back. "We can be nervous together, and if you want to be in me, I can bottom. It might be easier since I'm used to the idea, and have played around a bit in that area."

He flushed and buried his face in James' shoulder. "You choose, babe. Whatever you want, I just want you." 

"I want to try both," James whispered. "But for now, sure, that works. And wait, you've played around? Wow." He blinked. "If you wanted to make me imagine that and even harder than before, well, you've reached your goal."

Carlos smiled, even though he was blushing. "Hey, I had to do something entertaining at night all these years, so I have toys. Now you know."

James raised a brow. "Gotta show me those at some point," he murmured, then smiled a little and kissed Carlos' temple, nodding. "Okay, love," he whispered. "Then just relax and if anything feels wrong, tell me."

Carlos nuzzled James and took a breath. "I will, but it's gonna feel so good, Jamie."

James kissed the corner of Carlos' mouth, then reached for the lube and slicked his fingers. They were shaking a little when he reached between Carlos' legs, brushed his fingers over his balls and then his crack. He swallowed hard, then hesitantly pressed a finger against his opening, slowly sliding it inside. He didn't meet much resistance and was relieved when Carlos seemed relaxed and not in any pain. 

Carlos felt James shaking and reached down to slide his hand over James, guiding him, then making a soft sound when James pressed inside him. He was ready – he'd dreamed about this for weeks now, and he sighed, sliding his hand around the back of James' neck and pulling him down. 

James kissed him again, and slid his finger all the way in. He moved it back and forth tentatively, feeling Carlos' warmth and how tight he was. He let out a moan as he added a second finger when he considered Carlos stretched enough, and swallowed hard when he moved them both together. His own cock was already leaking and he couldn't stop himself from rubbing it against Carlos' thigh a little as he stretched him, scissoring his fingers carefully.

Carlos closed his eyes and concentrated on this new sensation; James' fingers felt very different than anything else he'd tried, plus the emotional impact – it was overwhelming. He just tried to breathe, and concentrated on how James was as close to him as he'd ever been, and how exciting that alone was. 

James finally pulled his fingers out, not sure if Carlos was even stretched enough for his cock but hoping it would be okay. He reached for the condom and pulled it on, then slicked his cock and pulled Carlos' legs up a little as he positioned himself. 

He brushed kisses over his chin and neck, then kissed his lips. "Okay?" 

Carlos took a breath, then let it out slowly. "Okay," he whispered. "I'm ready, babe."

He couldn't believe this was happening, in a way, but at the same time, he was so excited he was almost shaking. 

James kissed his cheek, then lifted Carlos' legs up a little and reached down between his legs, and carefully pushed in. He bit his lip hard, focusing on pushing and not hurting Carlos, watching his face anxiously. 

Carlos closed his eyes and concentrated on how James' hands on him felt, and then bit his lip as James started to push in; it was tight, and hurt a little, but Carlos just took another deep breath and relaxed his muscles.

He reached up to touch James' face. "It's okay," he whispered. "Keep going." 

James nodded and pushed again, then moaned when he slid in all the way, buried balls-deep inside Carlos. "Oh my God," he breathed, pressing their foreheads together. "Fuck, Carlos…"

He dug his fingers into his hips and swallowed hard.

Carlos arched his hips up a little, getting used to James, adjusting till he felt full and not just painfully stretched, but when he did….

"Baby, you feel amazing," he whispered, sliding his hands up James' arms. "Nothing's been better than this."

"Carlos," James just whispered, sliding his arms under Carlos and holding him close, showering his face with gentle, light kisses and nuzzling him. He breathed him in, then started moving slowly, carefully, still giving Carlos some time to adjust but unable to _not_ move anymore.

Carlos buried his face in James' neck and moaned against his skin when James moved a little, awkwardly pushing back a little against him, then groaning at the sensation.

James reached for Carlo's hands and brought them up above his head, lacing his fingers with Carlos' when he pushed in again. "Okay?" he whispered against his skin; he didn't want to keep asking but he just wanted to make sure Carlos was all right and not hurting. 

He squeezed Carlos' hands and pushed his hips against Carlos', breathing into his neck. 

Carlos swallowed when James brought his hands up like that – it seemed like one of the most romantic things that James could do to him – and he just wished, more than ever before, to have his sight just for this one night.

"Okay," he whispered back. "Perfect, cause it's you."

He squeezed back, thrusting up, his body feeling shaky under the skin. 

James smiled a little and kissed Carlos' lips, looking down at him – Carlos had never been more beautiful. He started moving slowly, testing what felt good and right and watching Carlos' face. He let out a breath and moaned; Carlos was incredibly tight and felt so good beneath him. 

He held onto his hands for a moment, then let go, realising that Carlos needed his hands to "see". He slid his own fingers down Carlos' arms, feeling his muscles as he trailed them down his sides. 

Hearing James moan made Carlos shiver, and at the same time, feel proud that he was able to make this beautiful boy feel this good. He felt James let go, understanding that James knew that he needed to see this the only way he could, and the fact that James got that made Carlos feel this huge, almost overwhelming surge of love for him.

He moved a hand up to the side of James' face and the other hand to a bicep, moving with him. 

James reached up and covered Carlos' hand with his own, kissing first his palm, then his wrist gently. He slid his other arm under Carlos and held him close as he kissed him again, moving slowly in and out. It felt like they had all the time in the world; there was no need to hurry. 

Carlos hoped that somehow this would never end, cause James sliding in so deep, then nearly out was unreal and made him weak, shivery.

"Jamie," he whispered. "I love you, love this." 

"Mhm," James murmured into his neck, then brushed the tip of his nose against Carlos' ear. "Love you too," he whispered, smiling against his skin and thrusting a little harder; then slowly again. 

Carlos smiled and nuzzled James, then kept touching him as the rhythmic rocking continued, until the combination of that, kissing and touching started to crest inside him. He tightened his fingers on James and whispered. "Getting close, Jamie." 

James slowed down a little, wanting this to last as long as possible. He kissed Carlos' neck and collarbone, then reached down and pulled Carlos' legs around himself as he started thrusting a little faster and harder; Carlos seemed to enjoy it, so he didn't hold back. He panted into his neck, warm breath ghosting over Carlos' face as James found his lips again and kissed him deeply, closing his eyes. 

Carlos pushed back against James, and whispered. "Harder, baby, I want as hard as you can go."

He did, cause he just wanted to feel this in every cell of his being, and he closed his eyes too, soaking James in and kissing him back eagerly. 

James pressed his mouth to Carlos' for a long moment, then sucked on his bottom lip and drew back. He pushed himself up on his arms, then started moving fast and hard, his thrusts smooth and effective, finding the right angle instantly and slamming into Carlos' prostate repeatedly. 

Carlos gasped and let out a loud groan, then a yelp when James hit the prostate, his back arching up. "Oh fuck," he moaned and pushed back, hard, cupping James' face now, feeling his expression, his determination, tracing his lips. He was so close now. 

James bit his lip and pushed in as deep as he could, moaning softly when he felt his orgasm approaching; so close. He opened his eyes and stared down at Carlos, then kissed him again, muffling Carlos' moans when he fell over the edge. 

Carlos groaned when James thrust in practically to his other side, then gripped the other boy hard, pressed tight against him as he exploded between them, sticky and hot. The waves seemed to ripple over him for endless moments, and he sucked in a breath, making this last as long as he could. 

James came a moment later after he'd watched Carlos, and let out a low moan as he jerked forward, and finally collapsed on top of Carlos. He let out a shaky breath and panted against Carlos' neck, swallowing hard. 

Carlos was trying to catch his breath, but frankly, breathing didn't seem too important at the moment; he had just felt James come inside him, he had exploded from the spine outwards, and now he was sweaty and shaking underneath his boyfriend.

This was good. This was fucking spectacular.

He raised a hand to stroke James' hair and turned his face to brush his lips over James' jaw. 

James let out a breath and carefully slid out of Carlos, getting rid of the condom. Then he wrapped his arms around him and pulled Carlos close, nuzzling him. They lay in silence for a long moment, then James kissed his eyebrow. "You okay, love?" he whispered. "All okay, nothing hurts?" 

"Everything is just right," murmured Carlos. "Nothing hurts… a little sore, yeah, but I don't care."

He ran his fingers over James' arm. "That was amazing," he whispered. "I've heard good things about make-up sex and now I know they're all true."

James smiled and kissed his temple. "Does that count as make-up sex when we weren't technically fighting when we started?"

He stroked Carlos' hair. "But yeah. That was incredible." He found Carlos' lips again and kissed them gently for a moment before drawing back and rubbing their noses together. 

"Well… we had just gotten back together after a breakup, so maybe a fight was implied? I don't know, I'm just going with it." 

James smiled. "Good enough for me," he chuckled. 

Carlos rubbed his head against James' hand and sighed, then returned the kiss just as gently, and cupped his cheek. "I thought about you all the time, this past week. I wanted to talk to you a million times, but I didn't know what to say other than that I missed you." 

James looked at Carlos. "Me too," he said softly. "I wanted to fight for you but I just, I didn't think there was a chance of you taking me back, and I wasn't ready to handle that rejection. So I just waited, hoping I'd forget you but that's easier said than done considering I really am in love with you."

"You would have, for me?"

Carlos blinked. "I just didn't understand, at first. I never had to really come out to anyone, cause it was just a part of me, and my family was fine with it, and this school was new, so… I didn't think about how hard it would be for you to change everything. I thought you should just be able to say "I like him and fuck you if you don't like it". I thought it should be easy, and when it wasn't, I wasn't sympathetic, just selfish. I wanted what I wanted, which is you."

He touched James' chest. "I really am in love with you too, and I'm sorry I pushed you. That was wrong."

James shook his head. "And I didn't get why you didn't understand at first, but you were right. I made you wait a long time and I was probably ready all along. It's not something you really _can_ prepare for. Like tonight – I wasn't planning on it, I still thought I wouldn't be ready for it if you ever took me back. But then I just said it and nothing else matters. I guess I just needed to lose you to realise I never really had a problem with the whole thing in the first place."

He paused. "Well, I mean, I'm still a little nervous about going to school on Monday, I do have to admit that, but I'm not gonna change my mind about you. I love you, and if someone doesn't like it, well, that's their problem."

"It is their problem, but I bet a lot more people are on your side than you think. But I'm not going anywhere, if that helps – you have me."

"That does help a lot," James murmured. "And you have me, Carlos. Even if… if I seem hesitant in public at first – cause I don't know how nervous I'm gonna be on Monday – I do love you and I'm not going anywhere."

He bit his lip, touching Carlos' cheek. "I'm just glad I got you back. I think I just… you've made me a better person, Carlos, and I don't wanna go back to being that shallow idiot I was before. So thank you for that. For everything."

Carlos listened, touched. "I have? You honestly think that? Cause that's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me, Jamie."

James nodded. "Yeah, I'm serious. I mean, I guess I've always had it in me but I was too focused on looks to really care about anything else and… seeing the world through your eyes, so to speak, has helped me a lot."

He kissed Carlos' lips gently, then pulled him close. "Sleepy?" 

Carlos turned in James' arms and nodded. "I am. It's been kind of an emotional night but I wouldn't trade it for anything." 

James nuzzled him and nodded. "Okay," he whispered, pulling the sheets up to cover them both, and kissing Carlos' nose. "I wouldn't trade it either."

He smiled, fingers ghosting over Carlos' lips. "Night, love. Get some sleep, and I'll see you in the morning."

He paused, considering, and grinned. "Well, _you_ will probably _feel_ me, if you know what I mean, but…" 

Carlos laughed. "I can't wait to feel you, honestly," he said, then snuggled. "And if you wanna feel me, I won't mind that at all."

He leaned up to kiss James' lips lightly, then settled back into the crook of James' arm and shoulder, in his favorite spot, where he felt safe, where nothing seemed wrong or awkward. Where he felt he belonged.

Truly belonged.

~ The End ~


End file.
